


Too Blind To See

by Kittleskittle, mythicait, toxcatl



Series: Camboy Nil Cinematic Universe [3]
Category: Horizon: Zero Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Blood, Camboy Nil Cinematic Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Death, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Semi-Public Sex, Smoking, Smut, Threesome - F/M/M, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence, very very brief self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 44,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26857846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittleskittle/pseuds/Kittleskittle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythicait/pseuds/mythicait, https://archiveofourown.org/users/toxcatl/pseuds/toxcatl
Summary: Right when absolute happiness is within his grasp, an old phantom appears to bring all of the pain from Nil’s past roaring back. Terrified for the two people he loves most, he makes a decision that will rip through Avad and Aloy’s lives as well as his own and leave them all in the dark.Tags will be updated as chapters are added weekly!
Relationships: Aloy/Avad (Horizon: Zero Dawn), Aloy/Avad/Nil (Horizon: Zero Dawn), Aloy/Nil (Horizon: Zero Dawn), Avad/Nil (Horizon: Zero Dawn)
Series: Camboy Nil Cinematic Universe [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1710313
Comments: 116
Kudos: 22





	1. I'd Give You Everything

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read Eyes On Me, I'd suggest doing so! A lot of this fic will draw straight from that as well as some of the outtakes in Everything and More as well.
> 
> First chapter title is taken from Pearl of the Stars by Coheed and Cambria - one of my favorites. We'll be following the same title naming as with Eyes On Me, taking them from Coheed and Cambria lyrics because they're just too perfect.

They had been together long enough that Nil could tell when Avad was upset. Watching his boyfriend flit around their kitchen, he revised that thought - he could tell when Avad was nervous. The kind of nervous he got when something big was going to happen. 

His call to Kadaman last week had been longer than usual, and Avad had excused himself to talk on the patio out back for the duration of it. Nil and Aloy loved him and respected his boundaries so they hadn’t eavesdropped, but it had been a close thing. The longer he stayed outside, the more worried they got, one name above all others on their minds. _Jiran._

But when Avad had come back into the apartment to be met with their cautious questions, he hadn’t seemed upset at all. If anything, the gleam in his eye spoke more of excitement. 

And so the past couple weeks had gone, Nil trying to figure out what Avad was on edge about since he still refused to actually talk to them about it. In hushed little conversations, he and Aloy had it narrowed down to either a new gallery showing or some plot Kadaman had to dump Jiran in the wilderness somewhere. The former didn’t really merit Avad’s secretiveness and the latter was unfortunately unlikely, but the probing questions they tested him with didn’t help them gain any clarification. 

“It’s like he’s been taking politician-style deflection lessons from Marad,” Aloy muttered darkly next to him, her gaze following their boyfriend as well. 

Nil hummed softly. It had actually been a couple months since Avad had graduated and stopped working for Marad, though they still kept in touch. Instead, he’d been hired by the gallery that had often featured his own paintings and he had been blissfully happy geeking out about all of the art he was surrounded by every day. 

Before he could reply, Avad took a deep breath and turned towards them decisively. Nil straightened from where he’d been slouching on the couch and he felt Aloy tense beside him. 

“I know that you both know I’ve been hiding something from you,” he started off cautiously. Despite the almost hesitant tone, his voice was steady and the fidgeting he’d had only moments earlier was gone. Avad wasn’t wringing his hands together and his deep brown gaze was steady and warm, only the barest of blushes on his cheeks. “And I hate worrying you, but I needed to sort some things out before I could talk to you.”

“So you’re ready to talk now?” Nil asked, his eyebrows raised.

“Ah, not quite.” Aloy huffed but Avad only gave her an apologetic look as he said, “I want to take you out tomorrow night. I know you both have the night off and I want to make sure I do this right.” 

Now Nil had absolutely no clue what was going on. Aloy seemed to be in the same position, because she stood to cross her arms. “So you’re not going to tell us anything until then?” 

Smiling at her somewhat surly tone, Avad shook his head. With another huff, Aloy turned and plopped herself down at her crafting desk. “Just tell me what time to be ready tomorrow.” With that, she dragged her latest project out and started tinkering away at it. 

Biting back a fond smile at their fiery girlfriend, Nil reached out to grab Avad’s hand and tug until he sank down to take her place on the couch. “You’ve been driving us insane, Avad. Can you at least tell me if you’re okay?” 

Avad melted against his side as Nil brushed his lips over his forehead, a satisfied sigh escaping him before he replied, “I’m more than okay, I promise.” 

Despite her apparent concentration, Nil knew Aloy had been paying more attention to them because he saw her shoulders relax by a fraction at his assurance. 

Deciding there had been enough seriousness for the night, Nil slipped his hand down to pinch Avad’s waist. “So is there anything specific we should wear for this date tomorrow night, pretty boy?” 

*** 

The next night, Avad had a plan and he was sticking to it. So when the time to leave came close, he was hustling both his partners to get ready.

Though his request for the date was more formal than they usually planned things, he had told them to dress casually. When Nil and Aloy emerged from the bedroom, he was ready to go with a large basket already in hand. “Come on, we’re going to be late,” he admonished, before turning to grab Aloy’s keys and leading them out the door. 

“If we’re not going to a restaurant, I don’t see how we can be late, my dear,” Nil drawled, exchanging a fond glance with Aloy behind Avad’s back. 

“Yes, we can! Stop teasing me and _walk,_ you giant prick.” 

Unable to resist, Nil opened his mouth to respond back to that little comment, but Avad glared back at him and he shut it again. For all his assurance the night before, Avad was very nervous now and Nil wasn’t going to push him too far. Though he wasn’t going to let that comment go forever. 

There had been two reasons Avad made Aloy drive apparently; she wasn’t afraid to break the speed limit and they were going off road. Nil lounged in the passenger seat, arm slung behind Avad from where he was perched between him and Aloy, and watched as he gave directions out a piece at a time. Eventually, Aloy turned the truck into a little dirt parking lot in the midst of one of their favorite parks and they spilled out. 

Wasting no time, Avad went to grab the basket, but Nil snatched it away first. With a bow, he gestured Avad forward. “I’ll follow your lead, my prince.” 

Aloy smothered a laugh at Avad’s blush but she grabbed his hand to walk beside him as he did indeed lead the way. Long shadows patterned their path as the sun started to slip behind the trees and Nil realized why this was time sensitive. Ever the romantic, Avad wanted a sunset picnic. 

Which brought Nil back to the point of this entire date. He was fairly certain Aloy had figured it out, because the frustration she’d had last night had disappeared halfway through the day. Despite that, she had refused to tell him anything, saying she just had her suspicions. He’d been tempted to seduce the truth out of her, but she’d run away to meet up with Petra for the afternoon and he lost his chance. 

Pulling on the reservoir of patience he had built up over the years, he sped up a little to catch Avad’s free hand. The three of them made their way along the trail until they crested a hill covered in bluebells, the setting sun starting to paint the horizon in soft pinks. As one, they stopped to take in the view, Aloy’s little sigh the only sound other than the heartbeat of the forest around them. 

“Good reason to rush,” Nil murmured, squeezing Avad’s hand. 

“You should listen to me more often.” 

Laughing, Nil pulled away to snag the blanket Aloy had been carrying. Between the two of them, they managed to spread it out in one of the areas less covered in flowers so they could avoid crushing the delicate blossoms. Settling in, Avad pulled dish after covered dish out of a basket that seemed to have almost unnatural storage space. Nerves forgot for the moment in the face of their partner’s amazing food and the beautiful scene that surrounded them, Nil passed the next hour teasing Avad and trying to surreptitiously weave bluebells into Aloy’s hair. 

After they finished cleaning up most of their mess, Avad cleared his throat and shifted to face them. Despite the absolutely blissful evening, Nil still tensed a bit at the seriousness on Avad’s face. 

“Aloy. Sahad,” he started gravely. Unable to help himself, Nil reached out to twine his fingers with Aloy’s so he could grip her hand hard. Seeing that, Avad’s expression softened. “I love the both of you dearly, and I truly hope you know just how much I mean that.”

Nil went to answer, but Aloy shook her head. To his surprise, there were tears in his fierce girl’s eyes and the shock of that was what stunned him silent. A dawning realization that he had been pushing so far down threatened to overwhelm him and he looked at Avad to find him biting back a radiant smile. 

“Each of you have brought so much light and joy to my life and I honestly don’t know what I would do without you. Meeting you, Aloy, was a kind of fate I will never stop being grateful for.” Reaching forward, he brushed his fingers over her cheek and she leaned into his touch. “You were everything I had never even dreamed I could have and you’ve taught me so much over the years I’ve been blessed to have you by my side.” 

Aloy covered his hand with her own as she pressed a kiss to his palm. When Avad’s gaze shifted to him, Nil’s heart skipped a beat. As if sensing the panic rising within him, Avad reached out to place his other hand over his heart and Nil wondered distantly if he could feel how fast it began to race. 

“I know it took us a while to figure everything out, but when you burst into our lives, we felt _whole,_ Sahad,” he murmured. “As if a part of us we didn’t even know was missing had come home. I wouldn’t change a single second of my life because it brought us here, brought me the two of you. I can’t imagine what I did to deserve this life, but I will gladly spend the rest of mine making sure that you two are treasured and loved as much as you both deserve.” 

“Those sound like vows, pretty boy,” Nil said weakly. 

Avad choked out a laugh through the tears now streaming down his own face. “They are, Sahad. They are.” Inhaling sharply, Avad pressed closer to both of them. “You’re the loves of my life. Will you marry me?”

The words echoed in Nil’s head and heart and shattered every grasping attempt at calm. While he struggled to breath, Aloy flung herself into Avad’s arms, kissing him over and over again, each press of her lips followed by her answer. The same answer that beat inside of him too. 

Peace that had once been unimaginable to him took root in his heart and Nil reached up to cover the hand still pressed to his chest. Smiling at his partners, he waited for Aloy to take a moment to breathe. When she finally pulled back, the both of them were breathless and flushed and they turned as one to him. 

“Sahad?” Avad asked.

Nil shrugged slightly. “I would die for the both of you. To be given the chance to live for you is more than I had ever hoped. Yes,” he said softly, a tear slipping down his cheek. “Yes. A thousand times yes.” 

Wiping his tears away, Avad brushed a soft kiss over his lips and Nil sighed in utter contentment. When he pulled back, he brought Avad’s hand up to kiss it as well. “I do think we’re forgetting something though.”

He watched his boyfriend’s - _fiancé’s_ \- eyebrows draw tight with confusion and he laughed. Turning to the woman now pressed against his side, he reached up to tug on one of Aloy’s long auburn braids. “What do you say, huntress? Want to marry me?” 

She crinkled her nose at him. “Well, that was romantic.” 

“How am I supposed to compete with all of this?” Nil gestured helplessly at the picnic and the sunset and, well, just at Avad. 

“It’s a good thing I love you,” she muttered. 

“So that’s a yes?” 

Her mock irritation fled and Aloy shifted to her knees so she could cradle his face between her hands. “Yes, I will.” She kissed him quick and hard, before pulling back to drag Avad in so the three of them were pressed as close to each other as they could be. 

They shared soft, sweet kisses and the next few moments were bliss until Avad said quietly, “Oh damn it all, I can’t believe I forgot.” 

He pulled back from them to reach across the blanket, cursing under his breath. 

Nil and Aloy exchanged a confused glance before they saw him reach into the basket to grab two little velvet boxes. Despite already having been asked and saying yes, both of them gasped quietly at the sight. A deep, embarrassed blush had spread across Avad’s face by the time he turned back to them with boxes in hand. 

“I had this all planned out so well and I forgot the rings,” he muttered. 

“Avad, if you don’t open that and let me see my ring, I may strangle you,” Aloy threatened. Her eyes were glued to those little black boxes and Nil couldn’t blame her since he could barely take his eyes off of them either. 

Setting one down gently, Avad cracked the other and Nil knew immediately that this one was meant for their huntress. Simple and perfect, Avad explained that the band was made of antler bone, offset by the bright blue opal strip that ran through it. “It’ll be hard to catch on any of your tools, but I got you a chain so you can wear it around your neck when you want,” he said quietly, his eyes glued on Aloy. 

“Will you-” Aloy reached her left hand to him, wiggling her fingers until Avad caught on. Clasping her hand in one of his, he slid the ring on her third finger, brushing his thumb over the band when it was settled in place. “It fits perfectly,” she whispered before sniffing once. 

“I double checked both of your ring sizes,” Avad said shyly, gaining a laugh from both of them. 

Kissing the ring where it would now stay for the rest of their lives, Avad reached for the other. Nil’s gaze snapped to the box he now knew was intended for him and he couldn’t help the sharp exhale that escaped him when he saw his ring. 

More traditional than Aloy’s, his silver band was inlaid with a round onyx gem flanked by two moonstones that shone in the dying light of the sun. Tiny diamonds framed the stones, their glittering facets making the onyx and moonstones gleam that much brighter, and Nil didn’t think he had ever seen anything more beautiful. When he looked up to meet Avad’s gaze, he reconsidered. He’d seen one or two things more beautiful. 

“Would you like to do the honors?” he drawled. 

Just as he had done with Aloy, Avad slipped the ring on his finger, sized perfectly for him despite most likely being intended for a woman with much smaller hands. He finished by brushing his lips over the ring before Nil dragged him in for a fierce kiss of his own. 

“I love it,” he said when he finally broke away. By then, the three of them were sprawled half over each other again, pressed close as if none of them could bear to be any further away. Nil buried his face against Avad’s neck, overwhelmed and needing a moment to breathe in this unbelievable reality. 

Cupping the back of his neck so he could run his fingers through Nil’s hair, Avad pressed his lips to his temple and Nil could feel his smile. “I’m glad you like them, I wanted to get it right.” 

“You did perfect, Avad.” Aloy’s voice was choked and Nil pulled back as both of them tugged her in so that she was cuddled between them. She wiped her face on Nil’s shirt before muttering, “Don’t tell anyone I cried when you proposed.” 

Avad valiantly stifled his laugh but Nil couldn’t contain the bright laughter that spilled out of him. “Oh, I’ll be telling everyone, little huntress.” Aloy huffed, but she also pressed a little closer to him and he rubbed her back in silent comfort. 

“I, ah, added an engraving to the rings as well,” Avad said quietly, a blush rising to color his cheeks. 

Unwilling to take off his ring to check, Nil just cocked his head in question. 

_“My heart is yours.”_

Affection burst through him for his absolutely sappy, romantic partner and Nil smiled at him as the blush only got worse. 

“Do you like it?” 

He kissed him in answer, softly and sweetly. “It’s perfect.” 

“And you have ours too,” Aloy murmured before stealing her own kiss. 

With them already in his arms, it was an easy thing for Nil to fall back, dragging his lovers with him, until they were sprawled over the blanket and tangled in each others’ arms. Aloy only squeaked a little at the abrupt move, but she settled down fast, crossing her arms over his chest as she draped herself over him. 

Nil let his eyes close in contentment as the warm day lingered even as the sun fell behind the horizon, but he could feel her eyes on him and Avad, the latter cuddled against his other side. “Did you need something, kitten?” 

“I’m wondering if we’d get caught if we had sex right now.”

Ignoring a long suffering groan from Avad, Nil slitted his eyes open to meet her mischievous gaze. “Is that a serious musing or are you just teasing us, sweetheart?” 

Aloy shifted to slip one of her legs between his, pressing her thigh up against him. His eyes fluttered closed as he let out a quiet curse, hips rocking against her just a little as she ground against him. “I want… I need to be close to you both right now.” 

Belying her sure movements, Aloy’s voice was quiet and intense and Nil felt an echoing need as well. Turning to Avad, he brushed a few stray curls off his forehead. “What do you say, my dear fiancé? Do you want to do this right now? If not, we can go home and pick this up there.” 

“I don’t think I can wait either,” he said hoarsely, love and lust roiling in his dark gaze that made Nil’s heart skip a beat. 

“Okay then,” he said softly before capturing his lips in a kiss harder than any of the ones that had come earlier. Avad responded in kind, pressing close enough that Nil could feel his hardening cock against his thigh and he let out a little moan. 

Not one to stay on the sidelines, Aloy slid her hands under Nil’s shirt, her clever fingers tracing the planes of his stomach and chest as she pushed the fabric up his body. Her lips followed soon after, taking her time tasting his skin as he arched up against her. When Avad’s hand joined hers, Nil decided he’d had enough. 

Pulling back, Nil sat up so he could drag Aloy onto his lap and smother her face with kisses. “You’re a minx, you know that, right?”

“A minx you’re going to marry,” she said smugly, before her mouth was otherwise occupied. 

Nil felt Avad sit up beside them so that he could kneel behind Aloy, his lips finding her neck and leaving a trail of kisses pressed against her skin. His hands caressed down her sides to settle over Nil’s on her hips, only to push her down hard against Nil’s cock. Aloy gasped at the movement, hand reaching up to tangle in Avad’s hair as she threw her head back against his shoulder. She moved with the pace he set, grinding down on Nil’s lap even as he rocked up into her. 

Flipping her skirt up, Nil stroked the soft skin of her stomach right above her panties before he slipped his hand down inside them. Aloy gasped against his mouth, his teeth catching her bottom lip as he stroked his fingers through her wet heat. 

The stuttering rhythm of her hips only got worse as he felt Avad’s hands go the other direction, sliding up between them over her stomach much the same way she had done to Nil only minutes ago. He broke their kiss long enough for Avad to drag her shirt up and off, returning to lick and bite at her neck as she held onto his shoulders for support. Instead of taking her bra off, Avad just shoved it up, baring her breasts to his hands as he lavished them with attention. 

Caught between them, Aloy writhed at the attention. Her own hands wandered over Nil to tug at his belt and, too impatient himself, Nil didn’t stop her. However, her efforts slowed as he slipped a finger inside her tight pussy, palm pressing hard against her clit. “There we go, sweetheart,” he murmured, kissing her ear, “ride my hand just like that.” 

Aloy whimpered but she did as she was told, rocking against him even harder than before as he brought her close to the edge. Familiar with her sensitive responses, Nil and Avad shared a hot look and his lover nodded. Avad’s touches roughened just a little, pinching at her nipples until she cried out, brushing soft kisses along her shoulder in sharp contrast. Right when he felt her tightening around him from the added sensations, Nil added another finger and she shattered at their touch. 

Muffling her cry with a kiss, Nil let his movements gentle, bringing her down sweet and slow like they had all the time in the world. “Not too loud, huntress, we don’t want to have to cut this short.” Aloy gave a distracted nod, her eyes shut tight as she tried to catch her breath. 

When their touches were more soothing than arousing, she turned her attention back to her earlier goal, hands settling on Nil’s belt to tug it open. He moaned as she found what she wanted and her fingers wrapped around his cock. Shoving his pants down as much as she could, Aloy pulled his hard length free and started pumping it slow and steady enough that he couldn’t help the little thrust of his hips into her grasp. 

A strangled moan caught his attention and Nil opened his eyes to find Avad and Aloy both focused on the way she was teasing him. Even through the haze of pleasure, he preened a little at the attention and tensed his stomach to thrust against her hand harder. Aloy brushed her thumb over the little beads of liquid at the tip, slicking him with it as she kept stroking him. 

“Aloy?” Avad asked, hands tightening on her waist.

Neither of them had to ask what he meant, they’d been together long enough that she just nodded. “I need you both inside of me, Avad,” she answered somewhat breathlessly, her words hitching. Nil suspected her sudden distraction had to do with Avad pulling her hips back against his own and his gaze darkened as he watched her press back against him. 

Nil tugged her hand off of his cock so he could urge her up, Avad keeping a tight grip on her as he slipped her panties down her legs and tucked them into his pocket. Avad caught the movement and Nil winked at him, making his partner roll his eyes even as they settled Aloy between them again. 

Fisting his cock, Nil stroked himself a couple times. “Ready, kitten?” he asked, letting his voice go deeper, turning into the seductive rasp he knew both of his lovers liked. 

At Aloy’s frantic nod, he pushed forward to stroke his cock through her folds. The evidence from her first orgasm coated his length and Nil groaned at the feeling. He would never tire of this, of being so close to her, to Avad, of sinking into her tight, wet heat and hearing the needy noises that spilled from her throat. 

The flash of the new ring on his finger reminded him that he’d get to do this for the rest of their lives and he had to freeze before he came on the spot. With his eyes closed, he didn’t see her move, but he could feel Aloy shift as she wrapped her arms around his neck. The new angle made him slide just a little deeper inside her and he gasped, fingers tightening on her hips.

Aloy brushed a soft kiss over his lips, sliding her hands into his hair so gently. “I’m yours,” she whispered. “I’m yours forever.” 

“If you say something like that again, this really will be over too fast, Aloy.” 

She laughed quietly, but cut herself off with a moan as he rocked out of her to thrust back in. They moved perfectly together, their bodies so familiar to the other that it almost didn’t matter where they touched. 

Dimly, Nil registered the sound of Avad’s zipper and then he was back with them, pressed against Aloy’s back and hands briefly covering his own. Avad kissed her neck before leaning forward to capture Nil’s lips in a hot, open-mouthed kiss that left him wanting more when he pulled back. 

Avad’s hands wandered lower, brushing where they were joined before pulling back to slide a slicked finger into her tight hole. Arching against them, Aloy let out a broken moan as Avad let her get used to him. Nil held her still, pausing his thrusts so they wouldn’t overwhelm their fiancée too much as Avad began to pump his finger inside her. 

It wasn’t long before she reached back to grasp at Avad’s shoulder, pussy tightening around Nil’s cock, her impatience winning out as she tried to urge them on. “Avad, please just- I need you-”

“Alright, love, I’ve got you.” Avad slipped out of her to guide his cock instead and Nil watched as her eyes shut tight at the feeling of him pressing into her. He murmured reassurances to her the whole time their lover slowly sheathed himself inside her, giving her time to adjust to having both of them filling her up. 

Avad’s arms wrapped around her waist, one hand wandering down to brush over her curls before his fingers pressed against the little bundle of nerves that had her rocking against them. Taking that as his cue, Nil picked up his thrusts again, fucking into her at a steady pace that felt even more intense now. Avad moved with him, rocking into her as the need burning inside all of them urged them to go faster and harder. 

Aloy was the first to go, crying out as the combination of both of them inside her and Avad’s attention to her clit drove her over the edge and she clenched around them. The feeling of her spasming around him was what made Nil fall apart, slamming deep inside her and letting go of the control he’d tried to keep in check. Just before he lost himself, he dragged Avad closer with a hand hooked around the back of his neck for a rough kiss. 

“I love you,” he managed to gasp out and Avad moaned against his lips, tensing as he joined them in oblivion. 

Their heavy breathing filled the quiet of their little clearing for several long minutes as their racing hearts calmed. Ever so reluctantly, Nil pulled out of his lover and grabbed the napkins Avad had so thoughtfully packed to clean them up. Half asleep and languidly content to rest back on Avad, Aloy caught his hand as he shifted to throw their trash in a bag and tugged him close again.

She kissed him sweetly, a satisfied little smile on her red lips. “Thank you, Sahad.” 

Nil hummed before kissing her again. “Let’s go home.” 

***

Later that night, Nil stared up at his hand, illuminated by the moon’s soft glow as it fell through their open curtains. Aloy and Avad were next to him, cuddled up and peacefully asleep after their emotional evening. 

As much as he longed to join them, he couldn’t just yet. Hope was still a new thing for Nil, new and fragile and now he had something wonderfully solid on his finger to remind him just how much he was loved. 

The moonstone on his ring caught its namesake’s light and the shine glinted through the dark room. Lowering his hand, Nil brought the ring to his lips as if in silent prayer. Warm now from his skin, it felt wholly perfect on his finger. Quietly, Nil murmured the same words Avad had engraved on both the rings and his soul. 

Letting his head fall to the side to take in the sight of his fiancés, both disheveled with Avad stealing the covers and Aloy snoring just a little bit, Nil felt a tear slip out and fall to the pillow below him. They were his home, fully and truly, and they wanted him there forever. Curling up against Aloy’s back, he pressed closer to their warmth and whispered those words again as he let himself drift off to sleep. 

“My heart is yours.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank your lucky stars  
> That we can call this ours  
> We've had some bad ideas yet  
> We're still here in  
> This life worth dreaming of  
> I can be your heart, be your soul  
> Just don't let me off easy, don't you let me go  
> Thank your lucky stars  
> That we can call this ours  
> (Lucky Stars, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> This AU is set in a fantastic universe where polyam marriages are legal and wonderful so there is no drama around this. I like my fictional modern AUs to have the things I wish were real irl.
> 
> Buckle up buttercups! This one will be shorter than Eyes On Me, but chock full of angst. I hope you enjoy, feel free to come and scream on me on tumblr @mythicaitt. Otherwise, comments and kudos are always welcome - tell me what your favorite bit is! I love hearing from y'all.


	2. You Were Born To Run

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It only takes the span of one day - one day for Nil's world to come crashing down. 
> 
> Chapter title this week is from Queen of the Dark by Coheed and Cambria.
> 
> Tags: ptsd, panic attack, nightmare violence, angst

“Oh, how about this one?” 

Aloy tugged on Nil’s arm until he pulled away from the glass he was peering through to look at what she was pointing to. Propped up in the display case were dozens of rings, all shapes and sizes and all inlaid with shining, clear diamonds. 

The ring his fiancée was staring at was beautiful, a princess cut diamond surrounded by swirls of smaller gems spiraling outward. It was beautiful, but it felt lifeless to him so Nil was already shaking his head by the time Aloy looked his way. 

“Not good enough.”

She gave him a little smile, adoration evident in her green-gold eyes. “You haven’t thought any of them are good enough for him yet.” 

“Because none of them have been,” he said stubbornly. “Avad deserves something perfect.”

Looking down at the bright blue opal band on her own finger, Aloy sighed softly, that smile still curling her lips. “He does.” Seeming to catch herself daydreaming, she shook her head as if to clear her mind. Turning a hard stare on him, she said, “We do still need to find something though.”

Nil grinned at the scolding tone but they were interrupted before he could tease her about being just as pigheaded as him. 

“Are you looking for anything in particular?” 

The calm, warm voice pulled them away from each other as they turned to the impeccably dressed man behind the counter. A polished smile graced his lips but Nil saw the way his eyes softened as he took in the rings on their hands. _A romantic,_ he decided. The perfect kind of help. 

Aloy opened her mouth, probably to decline his offer, independent little huntress that she was, but Nil beat her to the punch. “Who are we to decline such a gracious offer? We would love to have your help.” 

He could practically feel his partner’s glower and he turned to grin at her, but the sunlight caught on her hair and an idea formed. Turning back to the jeweler, he asked, “Where do you keep the rings inset with rubies?”

As the man led them to the other side of the store, Aloy slipped her hand through his elbow to sidle close. “A ruby?” 

“Bright, vibrant. It’s often meant to represent nobility,” he murmured back, raising his eyebrows at her. “Suits him, doesn’t it?”

“A ruby for a princeling,” she mused. “That’s perfect.” 

When they reached a display filled with gleaming red gems, the jeweler was already pulling out a couple of the trays. “We can typically substitute rubies or any other gems for the diamonds inlaid in most of our displayed rings, but these are specifically well suited for them. Would you like a moment to look through them?”

They nodded and he backed away to give them some space as they perused the selection before them. Silently, Nil and Aloy examined each of the rings, speaking in hushed tones as they considered each one. None of them in particular caught their eyes so Nil motioned to the man - Kudiv, he saw on his nametag - again. 

“We’re looking for something fit for royalty,” he confided in her. “A ring befitting a king. Would you happen to have anything more suited to that?” 

Despite Aloy’s little snort that she tried to cover up with a cough, the jeweler smiled at him and held up his finger. Before long, he brought out one of the trays from the counter next to them and before he even settled it down, Nil knew. 

Sunlight glinted off a giant ruby, blinding him for just a moment before his breath caught. Reaching to cover Aloy’s hand with his, he squeezed her fingers tight. “Aloy, that’s the one.” 

He knew the moment she saw which one he meant because her breath left her in a little _“oh.”_

The singular large ruby was surrounded by gold roses, several shapes and sizes framing and accentuating the gem and littered with little diamonds. Elaborate and beautiful, it was still elegant enough not to be gaudy and the whole thing caught the sun again and it glittered as if to confirm its importance. 

“Yeah,” Aloy said faintly, “that one’s perfect.” 

Reaching out to it, Nil hesitated a whisper away from the ring to flick his eyes up to the attendant. “Can I?”

At his nod, he pulled the ring out gently, treating it with the utmost care. Nil waited for the awe to fade, for some flaw to be seen, but he only loved it more as they spent several minutes examining every facet of every gem. Meeting Aloy’s eyes, he didn’t even have to ask before she was nodding. 

Turning to the jeweler, he held the ring out. “We’d like to get this one.”

As much as it pained him, Nil had to let the ring go. They didn’t have Avad’s size on hand so they’d have to wait a few weeks while it was resized before they could come pick it up. As they were signing the paperwork and giving their contact information, Aloy spoke up. “We’d like to get it engraved, as well. As close to ours as you can get it to look.” 

Nil pulled off his ring as she spoke, loathing to part with it just as much as he had when he gave Avad’s ring up. The jeweler examined the engraving closely, taking notes on the font and words, before handing it back to him. He slipped it back on, marveling at the fact that an engraved ring would soon grace Avad’s hand as well. 

“Thank you,” Nil said quietly. “For helping us find this.” 

Kudiv smiled at him kindly. “It’s always a pleasure helping people in love find the beauty that suits them. I’m sure he’ll love it.” 

Soon enough, the paperwork was done and the credit cards had been charged and he and Aloy were back outside in the hot afternoon light. The moment they stepped outside, she let out an excited little noise and buried her face in Nil’s shoulder. 

“We just did that,” she exclaimed, voice muffled by his leather jacket. “We just picked out an engagement ring for Avad.” 

Tangling his fingers in her wild hair, Nil pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “We did indeed, my huntress.” 

Giddy joy followed them all the way home, and the feeling of the wind rushing by them and Aloy’s arms tight around his waist as they rode made it all the better. 

When they burst through the door, Avad was waiting for them on the couch, book in hand and his glasses perched on his nose. He set his book down, but his eyes were all for them. Nil watched as he took in their brilliant smiles but saw his gaze dim as he noted that their arms were empty of any bags. 

“You didn’t find one, then?” Disappointment threaded through his voice. Avad had wanted to come with them, but they’d fought back, wanting to pick his out as a surprise as he had done for them. Nil didn’t think he had ever seen Avad pout any harder than he did then. 

They both grinned at him before deliberating ignoring his question to shed their jackets. When he turned back around, Avad was on his feet, nervous energy making him shift from foot to foot as he searched their faces. 

“You _did_ pick one,” he said accusingly. 

“Possibly,” Nil drawled. 

He and Aloy had decided earlier that Avad didn’t get to see what they picked out and they stuck to that. As much as he pestered them, they refused to give up any details other than to confirm that they had indeed found a ring for him. 

Crossing his arms with a huff, Avad said sullenly, “Fine, I guess I’ll just wait.”

Bracing herself on his arm, Aloy leaned up to kiss his cheek. “It’ll be here in a few weeks, so you can be patient.”

Avad grumbled something about patience not being his favorite virtue and Nil grinned. 

“Change will not come in a single sunrise,” he said sagely. His reward was Avad’s adorable little scowl as he parroted his own words back to him. Albeit, Avad had been speaking about his father when he’d said them, but the principle was the same. 

Reaching up to tug at one of his fiancé’s loose curls, Nil decided it would be best for him if he avoided that glare for a bit. “I’m going to head over to the other apartment for a bit, but I’ll be back for dinner.” 

“You don’t have a session planned for today, do you?” 

Nil raised his voice to reach Aloy where she was flitting around in the bedroom. “No, but my computer equipment was acting up yesterday so I want to make sure all my camming stuff is set up right for my next one.” 

Despite the grumpy frown he still wore, Avad let Nil kiss him goodbye before he left to go down the hall. When Nil had moved in with his partners, they had talked about what to do with his apartment. They had realized pretty quickly that having a second apartment would be the best idea for all of them - three people in a one bedroom apartment didn’t leave much room for storage or extra space. So Nil’s old apartment, now a mix of his grungy punk decorations and Aloy and Avad’s brighter things, was where they stored a lot of their shit. 

It was also where he did his camming. Nil had never had a setup like this, where his camming was separate from the rest of his home life, and he had ended up loving it. He never had to rearrange or take down his equipment, it was all just set up for him whenever he needed it. And the mix of that and all of their stuff that was neatly put away - at Avad’s insistence when the other two had just been stacking things haphazardly - made it feel a little bit more like home than it ever had when he had lived there alone. 

Making his way down the hall, Nil smiled wryly to himself. When he was younger, he never could have imagined having a space of his own, let alone having two full apartments. Not that they were his alone, but… sharing them was even better than it would have been by himself. If only teenage Sahad could see him now. 

That sense of contentment he felt while twisting his ring around his finger as he walked down the hall dissipated entirely when he saw the door to apartment thirteen. 

Every old instinct reared its head as his skin pricked with horrified unease. Unlike the way he had left it yesterday, the door was ajar, a sliver of light visible through the small opening. 

Nil backed away with a jerk, pressing his back to the wall opposite the open door. He gave a quick glance to either side, but no one came at him or rushed out of his apartment. After several long, terrifying minutes in which no one jumped out to grab him, Nil pushed off the wall and took several silent steps toward the light. 

Reaching out to brush his fingers over the door knob, he saw that someone had tried to pick the lock. When that hadn’t worked, they had presumably kicked it open, the cheap wood of the frame splitting easily and cleanly. _Fuck,_ he thought vehemently. _Fuck, fuck,_ fuck. 

Ready for a fight, Nil pushed the door the rest of the way open and slid to the side. When still nothing happened, he stepped back into the doorway cautiously. 

Only to have his breath knocked out of him again. 

They had destroyed everything. 

The apartment looked like a tornado had ripped through it, pieces and parts of everything that had been in there strewn about with cruel abandon. Posters and paintings had been torn from the wall, boxes were upended with their contents smashed. When a dazed Nil wandered to the back room, he found his camming equipment in an even worse state. 

The ring light he used was shattered, little pieces of glass sparkling in every corner of the room. His chair had been ripped into with a sharp knife, the jagged edges of the cuts forming a crude version of a symbol Nil knew by heart. And his computer - his computer had been torn in half by someone immensely strong. 

He had known, from the minute he had seen the open door, who this was. The sign of the Kestrels only confirmed it. 

Helis had found him. 

Sometime in the last twenty-four hours, Helis had come to get him. He had broken into an apartment listed under his fake name, mere steps away from where he might have been sleeping with his partners. Where Avad had been alone for most of the day. 

Pure, blinding fear drove through him and Nil barely made it to the toilet before he threw up. Acrid feelings burned through him as he kneeled there on the tile of the bathroom floor, each of the possible ways this could have turned out scorching his heart and mind. What if Helis had found out about them? What if he had seen Nil going to their normal apartment? 

What if-

By the time Nil stopped heaving, his mind had finally gone blissfully blank. Leaning against the edge of the tub, he caught several lungful's of air and each seemed to clear his head a little more. Numbly, he realized he wouldn’t have to worry about his equipment being set up for his cam session in a couple days. 

Burying his face in his hands, Nil tried to figure out what to do. He could call the police? No, they wouldn’t be able to stop Helis, not when they couldn’t do it years ago when his hold on the Kestrels had been looser than it was now. Now, Helis had complete control and he’d be able to talk his way out of anything. 

And since he knew Nil’s assumed name, he would come after him again. And again. Until he got what he wanted. 

Nil’s breath hitched. His old leader wouldn’t hesitate to hurt Aloy or Avad to get to him. In fact, if it would hurt him, Helis would go out of his way to harm them. And that, out of everything else swirling inside him, scared him the most. He had to figure out what to do to protect them. 

Rationality finally asserted itself over his racing thoughts. Though it had been years since he got out of the Kestrels, he knew the way they worked and he knew how Helis operated. Scare tactics were a favorite of his and this trap had been laid perfectly. There was a reason Helis hadn’t left any goons behind to drag him away when he found his apartment trashed; he wanted Nil scared. He wanted him to know that Helis had found him and that he had nowhere else to run. 

So he had a few days at least before Helis would make his next move. Enough time for him to think that maybe he would move on and forget about Nil and that’s when he would pounce. Whatever Nil could do before then, that’s what he needed to focus on. 

As he slowly got up to wash his mouth out at the sink, Nil tried to think of anything that could help with Helis. He could go to Uthid, but his old parole officer really didn’t have the kind of power to do anything. If anyone knew someone who could help, it was probably… Avad. 

Nil stalled at the door to the apartment, halfway through closing it so no one would see the mess inside while he cleaned it up. 

It would break his heart to tell them. The three of them had been so deliriously happy, since even before Avad had proposed. How the hell was he supposed to tell them that his past had come back to haunt him in a very violent way? That _they_ could be in danger because of him? 

Pressing his forehead to the door frame, Nil cursed every moment he had been in the Kestrels. He had to tell them. They deserved to know. But as Nil turned to look at the trashed room, little pieces of the life he had built in shreds, he took the coward’s way out. 

“I’ll tell them tomorrow,” he whispered to the empty shell of a home. Helis was a bastard for being the type to let the fear fester, but it gave him time to let the raw pieces of his heart harden before he had to tell the ones he loved about the mess he had gotten them into. He’d led them to believe - _Nil_ had believed - that Helis had stopped looking for him. That he would never find him. 

He couldn’t have been more wrong. 

***  
  
Nil didn’t end up cleaning the apartment at all. He could barely stand to look at it, let alone touch any of the things he treasured after they had been brutally destroyed. Doing his best to clean himself up, he had trudged back to his real apartment. 

Before he could open the door, he heard Aloy’s bright laughter and his fingers stilled on the doorknob. The lower rumble of Avad’s voice soon joined the sound of her voice and Nil cradled those sounds close to his heart. They were as familiar to him as breathing now and he never wanted to lose them. 

Swallowing down the fear and pain beating in his heart, Nil entered his home. 

Aloy was perched up on the kitchen counter, very obviously and annoyingly in Avad’s way as he tried to cook around her. As Nil paused in the entryway, he watched as she grabbed their fiancé by the shirt to drag him in for a quick kiss, earning herself a light smack on the leg with the spoon he was carrying. 

Summoning a smile, Nil teased, “If you don’t want the food to burn, you should probably let the man cook.” 

Aloy snorted. “And when has that ever stopped _you?”_

“Fair point,” he answered weakly as Avad escaped to stir whatever was on the stove. 

Nil turned to go to their bedroom, needing to change or brush his teeth, anything to get rid of the slimy feeling of dread all over him. 

A light hand on his shoulder stopped him and Aloy’s voice was soft as she asked, “Are you okay?” 

He gave her his best grin over his shoulder. “Worried about me, little huntress?” 

She gave a little hum, worry still creasing her eyebrows. 

Nil felt his smile soften despite himself. “No need, my love. I’m fine.” 

_Tomorrow I’ll let them worry,_ Nil rationalized as he pulled away from her to hide away in their bedroom. 

Nil stayed there as long as he could get away with it, cleaning himself up and listening to the sounds of his lovers talking and laughing. He soaked it in for as long as he could and when Aloy dragged him out for dinner, he put on a brave face and tried to act like everything was normal. He needed everything to be normal for as long as he could have it. 

***

Harsh eyes as cold as ice seared Sahad to the core before they were obscured by flashes of bright red feathers. But he was there, he was there waiting for him. Stalking him. 

The monster was hunting him. 

Sahad’s heart raced so fast that he thought his chest would explode, his hand pressed against it in hopes he could hold himself in. His bare chest. Head jerking up, Sahad found himself in a familiar room. Familiar, but wrong. The moonlight was sharp, cutting him. Deep reds suddenly soaking wet against the bed. 

And on the bed- 

On the bed-

Aloy. Avad.

Nil felt the moment crystallize around him, freezing him in place as his sight tunneled until the only thing he could see was them. His lovers. His partners and his fiancés. 

Cut and slashed and covered in blood. Two sets of eyes that he had wished to see for the rest of his life now blind to the world around them. With a strangled cry, Nil surged forward to fall on the bed. Frantically, he reached for them, hands trying to cover all their wounds at once but he wasn’t fast enough, he wasn’t enough, and they were already gone. 

Deep laughter sounded through the room, echoing and filling him as he looked up to find a pair of gleaming, hauntingly familiar eyes staring at him from the shadows swathing the room. A cruel smile curled the figure’s lips. 

“I’m coming for you, little traitor.” 

_I’m coming for them._

Nil woke with that laughter still caught in his ears. Surging upright, cold sweat pouring from him and he buried his face in his hands. The image of his dead lovers filled his vision, blocking out anything else. 

Fear kept him from looking, but paranoia made him. At the sight of Aloy and Avad, still fast asleep but alive and well, Nil slapped a hand over his mouth to muffle his cry. They were here and they were okay. Helis hadn’t touched them. 

Yet. 

If he stayed, he’d be putting them in danger. Nil knew how Helis worked, knew that he would go after his family if he knew about them. And if he had found _him,_ it was only a matter of days before he found the people closest to him. And after the way he’d left the Kestrels, how he’d betrayed Helis, the psychopath wouldn’t be easily slowed. 

Try as he might, Nil couldn’t think of any way to stop him. His mind just kept going in circles, ever since he stumbled through the wreckage of his other apartment the day before, Nil’s mind hadn’t stopped moving. It had taken hours to fall asleep and the only thing that let him was them being close by, safe and sound. 

But if he stayed with them, they wouldn’t be that way for much longer. 

_All you do is destroy._

Nil had fought it for so long, the insidious creep of his father’s voice. It turned out he was right. On the cusp of happiness, of a lifelong bond that would have given him everything he ever wanted and needed, Nil would bring about their destruction. He couldn’t let that happen. 

An ache settled into his heart as he slipped out of bed subtly enough so as not to wake his partners. Quietly, Nil grabbed a bag and started throwing clothes in it, sparing only a moment to grab a couple toiletries. He felt himself break a little more with every move. He wished things could have been different, but they weren’t.

Setting the full bag down by the door, he moved back over to the bed. Ever so lightly, Nil leaned down to kiss both Aloy and Avad, one last time. Aloy stirred, but he stilled until she dropped back into a deeper sleep. _Déjà vu_ pulled at him as he remembered a night long ago. Just like then, he pulled out a little notepad and put pen to paper. 

Only this time, he couldn’t help the tears that fell, soaking into the paper. He ignored them, unable to do more than write. Only a handful of words. Left it with a key to the ruins of his life. 

And then he did the hardest thing he had ever done in his life. He slipped off the ring that Avad had given him and walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only, (oh where have you been, oh where have you been, oh where have you been if it hurts you'll be forgiven)  
> I cry all all alone with your taste on tongue  
> Should we try things again with hope  
> Hope isn't lost, give up the ghost  
> Or should I die all alone as I knew I would  
> (The Suffering, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> And so it begins - feel free to yell at me in the comments or on tumblr @mythicaitt


	3. Please Don’t Leave Me Here, My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they wake up the next morning, Avad and Aloy find what was left.
> 
> Chapter title this week is from Unheavenly Creatures by Coheed and Cambria.
> 
> Updating a little early this week because I prefer to post on weekends - you'll be seeing Sunday updates from here on out!

Avad knew something was wrong as soon as he woke up. 

Normally, he was the first to wake, rising with the sun while his lovers slept on. Since he was always the coldest, Avad typically slept between them, but this morning the space at his back was cold and still. 

Only half awake, he turned on his side to reach for Nil and came up empty. The place he normally lay was like ice, abandoned for a long time. Anxiety took root in Avad’s heart and he was wide awake in an instant. Both he and Aloy had seen the shift in Nil’s mood yesterday, but they had decided together to give him the space he usually needed to work through it before talking about it. Maybe that had been the wrong choice.

It had been a long time since Nil had left in the middle of the night. Not since the beginning of their relationship. 

Avad’s mind raced to figure out what could be bothering him enough that he left their bed instead of waking them. Had he been overwhelmed by picking out his ring? Ever since he’d proposed, Nil had seemed over the moon, not a single bit of apprehension or conflict, but maybe some of his old insecurities had been coming back up…

As he tried to work out what might be going on, Avad slipped out of bed and pulled one of Nil’s soft t-shirts over his head. No matter how much he thought about it, he wouldn’t know for sure until he found Nil and asked him. He was getting ready to head out when his other partner stirred. 

“Avad?” came the sleepily confused mumble. 

Moving over to her side, Avad brushed her wild red hair out of her face so he could bend to kiss her cheek. “Nil slipped out in the middle of the night,” he whispered. “He’s probably just on the couch or in the other apartment but I’m going to go check on him.” 

Her beautiful gold-green eyes opened then and she peered up at him with the same worry he felt deep in his bones. “It’s that bad?”

Avad shook his head. “I don’t know, sweetheart, but I’m going to find out.” 

She settled down a little at that, but he knew it was only a matter of time before she followed him. Aloy had never been good at letting others take care of anything she felt responsible for, and she especially never sat on the sidelines when she thought she was needed. 

His eyes fell on the empty couch as soon as he opened the door to the living room and Avad’s heart sank. If he was in the other apartment, it meant it was one of his  _ bad  _ nightmares. Unable to wait, Avad was on his way to the front door when something gleamed out of the corner of his eye. 

When he looked, only to find Nil’s ring sitting on the counter, Avad’s heart dropped to his stomach. 

For a moment, all he could do was stare at it.  _ Nil refused to take that ring off even in the shower, why would he- _ Avad cut off that line of thought. The yawning emptiness of their apartment grew even stronger the longer his gaze stayed glued to the ring he’d bought for the man he loved. It lay on a note and that was what finally broke through to him. 

Nil never wrote a note unless something was hard enough he couldn’t say it in person. And as scared as Avad was to read whatever he had written, his feet took him those last few steps to the counter. Once there, he didn’t even need to move the ring to see what it said. 

_ "I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. Please don't come after me." _

Numbness spread throughout him as he read and reread the note, over and over again. It took him several tries before the words truly sank into him and a whimper escaped Avad before he covered his mouth. 

Dimly, he heard Aloy call his name, but the entirety of his being was focused on those two little sentences. He had  _ left  _ them? 

“Avad.” 

Aloy’s hand fell on his arm and he jumped. The moment Avad met her concerned gaze, the tears came. His vision clouded and his voice gone, all he could do was gesture at the note she hadn’t seen yet in her worry for him. He knew the moment she read it, saw her body stiffen tight as a bowstring. 

“What is this supposed to mean?” she asked coolly, her voice detached. “Why would he leave his  _ ring?”  _

Her voice broke on the last word and Avad watched her swipe at her face roughly. Slamming her hands down on the counter, Aloy read the note again, this time aloud. “‘I'm so sorry, but I can't do this anymore. Please don't come after me.’” The words broke Avad’s heart all over again, but they inflamed his lover. “Don’t go after him? He does  _ not  _ get to tell me what to do." 

Before he could stop her, Aloy stormed around the counter towards the front door. Her sudden movement made the note flutter and Avad caught a glimpse of a key underneath it. Flipping it over, he called out, “Wait, Aloy, there’s something else.” 

On the other side of the little sheet, Nil had written  _ “just throw everything away, none of it’s worth anything anymore,” _ and tucked beneath the note was his key to the other apartment. 

Grabbing both the key and Nil’s ring, Avad pressed the note into Aloy’s hand as he passed her. Neither of them even bothered to close their own door in their haste, Aloy reading the second piece of Nil’s farewell as Avad unlocked apartment thirteen. 

The door swung open under his touch and Avad gasped. Aloy’s head snapped up to see what he did and her curses filled the air as they took in the wreckage of their second apartment. 

Someone had torn through it, destroying everything they could get their hands on. The terrible futon that Avad hated had been ripped open, the boxes that had been full of their extra kitchen things had been torn apart, nothing had been left untouched. Worst of all, his paintings had been shredded. The site of a canvas once filled with the delicate silvers and shadows of the moon at night, now in pieces, tore into him as well. 

Frozen at the entrance, Avad’s gaze traced over what he could see, but Aloy barged through to the rest of it. Her sharp exhale when she saw the back room finally brought him forward and they both looked in silence at the remains of all of his camming equipment. 

“He wouldn’t do this,” Avad whispered hoarsely. “He  _ wouldn’t.”  _

“But who did?” She sounded just as confused as him, her hands clenched at her sides. 

The last ten minutes felt like they had lasted an eternity, each turn bringing him more pain and Avad couldn’t think straight right then. All he knew was that Nil was gone and he had left a hole inside their home and their hearts. And he hadn’t even told them  _ why.  _

Before they had found this mess, he had been confused and hurt, but now… Now, Avad was truly terrified. Whoever had done this hadn’t cared one bit about the things they broke and the absolute destruction they had wrought on all of their possessions spoke of a malice far deeper than most. But at that moment Avad couldn’t think of anyone who would want to do this to them, hurt them like this. 

Shoving down the tears that threatened again, he said, “I don’t really care about who did this right now. I just want to find him and bring him back.” 

“Does he even want to come back?” she asked, her voice despairing. Aloy had wrapped her arms around herself and when he reached out to touch her, she shied away. 

“Of course he does,” Avad said fiercely despite the aching doubt taking root inside him. “You know him; we know he wouldn’t do this without good reason.” He pleaded with himself almost as much as he did with her. 

“What reason is good enough to  _ leave us, _ Avad?” she snapped, fire filling the hollow look she had been wearing since she saw the glass littering the floor around them. “He could have talked to us, we could have figured whatever the fuck happened out together like we’re supposed to.” 

Looking around at the littered remains of the apartment, Avad whispered, “Maybe he was scared.” 

“He said yes, Avad. Yes to the ups and downs, to sickness and health. Being scared doesn’t excuse that and he’s going to get a hell of a lecture when he comes home.” Her voice wavered as she spoke and Avad saw her hand tremble before she clenched it into a fist once again. 

His fierce girl. She had been left before, by a father who never knew her and a mother who had been taken from her. By another father who never even told her that he loved her. And she still believed Nil would come home to them. Reaching out to cup her face, Avad smiled sadly at her. “Let’s find him so you can give him a piece of your mind.” 

Covering his hand with her own, Aloy leaned into him for a moment before she stiffened her back and strode out of the apartment. Avad followed more slowly, his gaze lingering until he locked up the apartment. For a moment, he just stared at the broken splinters of wood in the frame, more evidence that something had gone terribly wrong here. 

After gently securing the fragile lock, Avad made his way back to their apartment to find Aloy pacing the living room. She started speaking the moment he closed the door. 

“He could have gone to Janeva. Or Uthid. Do you think he would try to crash with Talanah? No-” 

Avad stopped her rambling and pacing both as he stepped in front of her to lay his hands on her shoulders. “Why don’t you go get dressed, sweetheart. You can go check for him at the range or the Cut.” Helping calm her was the only reason he could keep his voice steady, his need to take care of her centering him in the maelstrom of emotions he was feeling. 

“It’s seven in the morning, Avad, I doubt he’ll be at the bar,” she said with a weak smile. Her fidgeting stopped after a moment as she leaned against him. 

“He likes Aratak’s coffee.”

Aloy let out a huff of a laugh before the smile dropped. “But what if-” 

“I’ll stay here in case he comes home.” Avad put more emphasis on that last word than usual, needing to remind them both that this was well and truly Nil’s home. “I’ll contact Janeva and the others to see if they’ve heard from him.” 

Taking in a deep breath, Aloy nodded. “Okay. We’ll find him.” 

She swept into the bedroom and Avad heard her getting ready as he went to the kitchen to make coffee. He ended up staring at the Italian press as it heated on the stove, mind lost to fractured ideas of where Nil could be or why he had run. Aloy’s light touch on his arm dragged him out of his melancholy thoughts and he looked to see her shrugging into her jacket. When he turned to her, Aloy wrapped her hands in his shirt -  _ Nil’s _ shirt - and stood on her toes to kiss him softly. 

The press of her lips was a comfort he needed and Avad wrapped his arms around her waist to hold her tightly. She broke the kiss after a moment, but she leaned her forehead against his and they stayed like that, drawing strength from each other. 

“He’ll be home before you know it,” Avad murmured. She kissed him once more before stepping back. 

“The keys to his bike are gone, but I’ll let you know if it’s out there,” she said quietly, grabbing her own set of keys. 

“Good luck.”

The apartment grew deathly quiet after she left, but Avad couldn’t bring himself to turn on the tv or music. Coffee in hand, he sank onto the couch and steeled himself. Pulling out his phone, Avad started making calls. 

After a couple hours, Avad sat with his head in his hands. Each text from Aloy was another dead end and no one he had thought to call knew anything either. Avad had no idea what to do next. 

“Oh, Nil,” he whispered. “Where are you?”

***

The next few days passed slowly and neither of them slept well at all. They took a couple days off from work to keep searching, but eventually they had to either go back or lose their minds worrying. When they were home, every time they heard footsteps in the hallway, they waited with baited breath for Nil to open the door. 

But it was never him. 

He didn’t come home, didn’t call them, didn’t so much as text, and it was wearing them down every second that passed. The only little bit of comfort they found was in each other. 

Aloy was curled up next to him on the couch, her face pressed against his shoulder and her hands clutching at his shirt. Stroking her back, Avad let her be still for a time while he stared blindly at the show playing on their tv. This nightmare had been hard for them both, but Aloy… she was falling back into that old anger and insecurity he hadn’t seen since the beginning of their relationship and that scared him. 

Sliding his hand up to cradle the back of her head, Avad pressed a kiss against her hair. “How are you, my love?” 

She snorted, a derisive sound that broke his heart. Pulling back, she rested her chin on his shoulder to gaze at him with tired eyes that were a shade darker than normal. “I don’t know how to do this, Avad,” she whispered. “How am I supposed to keep going when it feels like part of me is missing?” 

With a sigh, Avad tucked a wavy piece of her hair back behind her ear before letting his hand rest on her cheek. “You lean on me. And I lean on you, until we get him back.” 

“What if he doesn’t come back?” she asked raggedly. 

Neither of them had voiced that fear, not since they had found the mess left behind that first day. The silence that followed her question resounded in the room until Avad sighed again before gently dragging Aloy onto his lap. Without hesitation, she curled closer to him as he held her tight. 

“I have to believe he’s coming back, Aloy. We’re his home.” She didn’t respond, but he could feel her trembling ever so slightly against him. Knowing she needed to hear it, Avad murmured, “I love you.”

Shifting away just enough so she could wrap her arms around his neck, Aloy kissed him. “I love you, too,” she said against his lips. 

Needing her just as much as she needed him, Avad kissed her back. It was soft and unbearably sweet and everything they both craved. In the days since Nil had left, they had held each other often but their touches hadn’t strayed like they normally would. Without him there, it felt like they didn’t wholly...work. Even now, Avad knew Aloy was aching for hands that weren’t touching her even as his own held her close. Just as he was aching. 

Their joining was slow and intense, desire taking a backseat to the comfort of simply being with someone they loved. Movements made familiar with time and practice guided them as they stripped each other of their clothes until Aloy sank down on top of him with a quiet whimper. Avad never stopped touching her, his hands smoothing over her thighs and hips, over her back and into her hair as she kissed him. 

When Aloy began to fall apart under his touch, Avad caught her and whispered all of the assurances and endearments he knew she needed. And when he followed her into bittersweet release, she stayed wrapped around him and her kisses guided him through. 

In the wake of their completion, they stayed still for a while longer. Avad pulled her hair back, baring her heated skin to his gentle kisses as he followed the curve of her shoulder. Hands usually busy manipulating metal or tightening a bowstring were still, settled on his sides as she melted into his touch. 

“He’ll come home,” Avad said, the mantra he’d repeated aloud and in his own head over and over again. 

“I hope so.” 

Overwhelmed entirely, by their lovemaking and their loss, they fell asleep a little easier that night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Carry them over your shoulders, you fear  
> The absence, the void you'll cause  
> When you choose to leave them all here  
> There's no turning back, it's time that you steer
> 
> The wide open stairs back alone at the cusp  
> The self that you thought you lost, the shine that burned well into rest  
> You can't hear my voice 'cause I'm not loud enough
> 
> Believe me, when I say  
> It's a long way back from here
> 
> Goodbye for now  
> Hang on, it's clear that the roads about to get rough  
> Oh, can you hear its ringing its left in my ear?  
> Over and over, the light hits the dusk  
> It's a choice that I make but for us I choose to give it all up
> 
> (The Pavilion (A Long Way Back), Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> Well... they know now. And where do they go from here?
> 
> Feel free to yell at me in the comments, I love to hear what you loved about the chapter! (or hated as is probably the case rn lmao)


	4. This Is Not Your Playground (It’s My Heart)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aloy and Avad have to learn how to work without Nil there. Balancing their hopes and fears is harder than they might be able to handle. 
> 
> Tags: angst, unhealthy coping, very very small bit of self harm
> 
> Title this week is from Here We Are Juggernaut by Coheed and Cambria.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about this

_ New video! Shadow Edge has posted for the first time in a while.  _

Aloy stared at the notification on her phone for far longer than she needed to, her brain refusing to believe the message that had just popped up. When it finally broke through the numbness, she called out frantically, “Avad!”

Their home had been on edge in the eight days since Nil had left, quiet as the grave. This was the first time she had raised her voice in a while and Avad came rushing into the living room. “What is it? Are you okay?” 

His deep brown eyes swept over her in concern as he crouched in front of where she sat at her desk but Aloy couldn’t do anything except look at him in confusion. 

“Shadow posted a video,” she whispered.

Avad went still, his gaze snapping to hers. She didn’t so much as breathe in that moment, until he let out a sharp exhale. “Pull it up.” 

All of the shock she’d felt faded away fast as she pulled up Nil’s camming site on her computer. Avad knelt beside her, his hand grasping hers as soon as she dropped it onto his shoulder. They ignored the comments already piling up on a video that had only been posted ten minutes before, waiting for the black screen to load.

When she saw him, Aloy’s breath caught. She heard Avad’s distressed gasp from beside her and her grip on his hand tightened. 

It was their first time seeing him in over a week and Nil looked...exhausted. 

Dark rings sat below his eyes and the smile he flashed at the camera was a weak imitation of the animated grins he normally wore. Without his typical eyeliner, his eyes looked bigger than usual and the pain he tried to hide in them made her  _ ache. _ Unable to keep from reaching out, Aloy’s fingers traced across his cheek, her touch meeting a cold screen instead of his warm skin. 

“Sahad…”

“Hello, my devoted little deviants,” he started jovially. Hearing that particular cadence only he had ever had broke her all over again and Aloy and Avad clung to each other as they watched him greet his viewers. The camera shook as he moved and Aloy realized he was recording on his phone - from what looked like an alleyway. But she didn’t see more than that as her gaze was drawn inexorably back to him. 

“I am truly sorry that you’ve missed my shining presence over the last week, but personal circumstances have kept me away from the screen.” Aloy let out a short huff, bitterness welling in her alongside the longing she felt watching him perform. “Unfortunately,” he continued, “those circumstances likely won’t change anytime soon. With that in mind, I’m taking an extended hiatus.”

Avad muttered a quiet curse and she couldn’t help but feel the same. That meant he wasn’t planning on coming home for just as long. 

“You’ve all been absolutely wonderful to me over the years and if I come back I hope you’ll return to me with the same thirsty devotion.”

_ “If?” _ Aloy said shrilly. “What does he mean ‘if,’ Avad?” 

“I don’t know, sweetheart. I don’t know.” 

“Some of you-” Nil faltered for the first time since he had started the video, his already weak guise of cheer cracking a little further. “Some of you have become especially important to me and I’m sorry this has to happen. But please know that I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t have to.” When his gaze centered on the camera again, despite the distance and despite the fact that he couldn’t really see them, Aloy felt those hauntingly beautiful silver eyes pierce right through her. “I hope that someday I can come back.” 

Aloy’s vision blurred as a sob fought its way up her throat. “You better come back to us, you asshole,” she muttered. 

“Until then, I won’t be back on here, so any sweet messages and unsolicited dick pics will go unseen and unanswered. Thank you again for all your support and I’ll see you later.” 

With that forced goodbye, the screen went black once more. 

Aloy watched the blank screen for several long moments, her mind and heart still catching up to what they had just watched. He had really left. Was going to stay away for even longer - possibly forever, if his message was any indicator. All of her fear and sadness and anger surged back inside her and Aloy slammed her hand down against the sturdy wood of her desk. “Goddess  _ damn _ him.” 

She only managed to bring her fist down on the desk once more, the pain centering her and giving her something to focus on, before Avad caught her. 

“Aloy, stop it.” He tugged on her hands, now both held captive, until her chair spun and she faced him as he knelt before her. Bringing the hand she had been using up to his lips, he kissed it softly. “That’s not going to help anything.” 

“I know.” Aloy shook her head as she finally let her tears fall. “I know. But I don’t know what else to do, Avad.”

His eyes were on her hands, but his mind was somewhere else. “He’s been having nightmares again. Where could he be staying?”

The image of Nil saying his thinly veiled goodbye to them rose up in her mind and Aloy gave into her anger so she wouldn’t just collapse. “Does it matter?” she asked harshly. 

Avad’s far too wise gaze met hers. “Of course it does,” he said, low and calm. “If we know where he’s staying, we can go find him.” 

“What’s to stop him from running again? If he wants to stay away, who are we to stop him?” Her voice was bitter and she hated the words pouring out of her, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself. The image of another man who refused to let her in got shoved back down where it belonged. 

“He doesn’t want this and you know that, Aloy. You saw him - he was in agony. He wouldn’t do this without a reason.” He was struggling to stay calm, to keep his voice even. 

Aloy snatched her hands out of his, standing to pace across the living room in quick, angry strides. “He gave his fucking viewers more of a goodbye than he gave us, Avad. It’s been over a week and all we had was  _ that.” _ She gestured to the fridge, where they had pinned the note Nil had left like it was some twisted version of a child’s artwork. “Does he just want us to  _ wait  _ for him? For how long? Forever?” 

Avad didn’t answer right away, let her continue to pace for a few moments as he thought. The quiet little hum he made had her turning toward him. “I think...I think this might have something to do with the Kestrels.” 

She met his gaze in the weighted silence of that accusation and Aloy fought the shiver that ran down her spine. The Kestrels. The thought of them being after Nil terrified her, but him being alone made it even worse. 

“Why would he leave if they were after him? We could  _ help  _ him. Figure out some way to get them to back off or leave him alone.” Frustration and helpless anger rose and let loose. “More likely, he’s just using them as an excuse not to marry us.” 

Avad’s head snapped up. “Why would you say that?” he asked, stunned by her words. 

“It took him so long to trust us, Avad. His past has left him so scarred and so hurt, maybe he just- Maybe he just decided marriage was too far. Maybe he ran from  _ us.” _ Her voice broke on the sob that tore through her and Aloy’s own fears swallowed her. 

When Avad reached out to touch her, Aloy wanted so badly to give in and let him comfort her. But the thought of letting him hold her after all the awful things she just said made her cry worse and she wrenched away from him. Following a path she knew by heart, she fled to their bedroom, closing the door behind her and leaning against it as she slid to the floor. Burying her head in her arms, she wept. 

She knew it wasn’t true. Nil’s smile the day they had picked out Avad’s ring was the truth and he had been so happy she could barely stand before his bright grin. That had been only hours before he had left and she knew his heart didn’t change that fast. No, he hadn’t wanted to leave them. 

But what her head knew didn’t always mean her heart felt it. And all she could feel right now was the same awful, heart-rending pain she had felt the day Rost had turned his back on her as she left the Sacred Lands. For a moment, just a moment, she hated Nil for making her feel like that again. He had promised that he wouldn’t hurt her, but he had. Oh, he had hurt her so much. 

Aloy didn’t know if it was a second or an hour after she had collapsed against the door, but she felt it press back against her, as if someone else was sitting on the other side. 

“He didn’t want to leave you,” came the voice of the man she’d loved for almost five years. “If there’s one thing I know right now, it’s that he didn’t want to leave us.”

She sniffled, wiping her tears on her shirt even though more soon took their place, but she didn’t answer him. 

“I am here for you, my love. You’re not alone.” 

A new wave of misery and self-recrimination overtook her at her inability to open the door and give in to the comfort Avad offered. But as much as she didn’t deserve them, his words also grounded her, the very thing she needed in that moment. 

“I’m here.” 

***

Aloy watched Nil’s video on repeat for a long time. As angry as he made her, the sight of his face and the sound of his voice were two of a very few things that let her fall asleep over the next few weeks. She knew Avad watched it as well, could sometimes hear Nil’s voice from the other room, and her heartbeat would pick up before she realized that she knew those words. Could recite them from memory now. 

They had looked for any clue of where the alley he had filmed in could be but nothing helped them narrow it down and there were thousands of alleys in the city. True to his word, he didn’t get on his SpearShafts account again. She was tempted to send him a message on there anyway, but if he wasn’t answering their texts, he probably wouldn’t answer their messages on his camming site. 

She and Avad fell into their new routine. Work and school were still the same, a constant they needed to help ground them. Poor little Artemis didn’t understand any of it - their cat only knew that her favorite playmate was gone. They had told their friends and the family they were close to the barest details about what had happened. That Nil had needed to sort some things out so he’d left to do that and they weren’t sure when he would be back. No one they told really believed them, but they were adamant enough that no one challenged them about it either. Aloy had a sneaking suspicion that they were grouping together to try to figure out what had happened but she staunchly ignored any of the pitying looks they sent her. 

The one routine she couldn’t fall back into also hurt her the most. She couldn’t even pick up her bow without falling to pieces. 

It hung where it always had; on their bedroom wall, right next to the Voice of Our Teeth. When she had realized he had left his beloved bow, Aloy had one of her worst breakdowns. The only other time he had gone without his favorite hobby and coping mechanism was when he’d gone to jail for two years. The thought of him being in that same place, mentally and emotionally, had shattered her. 

So she hadn’t had the heart to take her bow off its stand when he wouldn’t be joining her. She’d begged off the archery range at work and, though her boss was extremely concerned, he put her in the obstacle course area full time. Sona had been the worst, calling the day after they had seen Nil’s video to ask why she hadn’t been to the range and what was wrong with her. Aloy had given her the same bare story they had told their friends and she had been silent while she listened. The only thing she said before she hung up was “you’re both going to be rusty when he gets back.” The gruff answer had made Aloy laugh for the first time in what felt like forever. 

Sona hadn’t called again, but sometimes Varl came by with some of Aloy’s favorite treats from back when she was a kid. He always said they were leftovers, but she knew who was making all the extras. 

That first week, neither of them had been able to go over to the other apartment, but that changed for Avad. After they saw Nil’s video, he started going over there a little bit every day. Aloy knew he was cleaning everything up, salvaging what he could, because he came home with full trash bags and the occasional little trinket that had survived. 

She wanted to help him, to rescue what she could from what had been destroyed, but every time she thought of the disaster they had found that first day, her courage left her. Seeing it again would bring back every horrible moment of that day and her current days were already bad enough. Avad himself came back quiet and withdrawn each time, the weight of the world on his shoulders and tears in his eyes. She’d always let him curl up on the couch beside her with his head in her lap after that. The tension would slowly seep out of him and Aloy wiped away any tears that fell as she played with his hair and soothed her thumbs over his temples. Those were one of the moments where she could almost believe things between them were back to normal. 

Aloy had overheard one of her coworkers make a snide comment once about how she and Avad could just go back to how they used to be before Nil, wondering why Aloy was so upset, and two of her other coworkers had to hold her back to keep her from assaulting the stupid girl. She had received a scolding from her boss but sympathy shone in his eyes as he told her to take the rest of the day off. Ligan had been one of the first to take her under his wing when she had been finding her place outside the Sacred Lands, and he made sure she was taken care of now too. Someday, she’d find a way to thank him. To thank everyone who helped watch out for her and Avad. 

As easy as it might have made it, things couldn’t ever go back to the way they were before Nil came into their lives. There was too big of a hole without his crude sense of humor and the observant care he always treated them with. Their apartment felt hollow without him and their bed cold. Sex happened rarely, when Aloy and Avad needed to be reminded that they still had each other, even as fractured as they were now. And when they fell asleep for the night, they did so pressed together, as if their closeness could block out the fact that a third of the bed was not being taken up by a certain large, gorgeous space heater. 

She and Avad still talked, about their days and her classwork and art and mechanics and everything else they always had. But they could feel the missed beats where Nil would chime in with his opinion on oil painting or insert an innuendo about Aloy’s skill with her hands. And those little hiccups only got worse, Avad sadder and Aloy angrier with every day that passed where he didn’t come home. Sometimes the only thing that would break the fights and the tension were the times when they fucked, rough and fast, until they spent all the useless emotions that they couldn’t help but feel. Afterward, they would take care of each other, with murmured apologies and reassurances, and everything would go back to their new normal for a bit. Until the cycle repeated itself. 

Whenever she could, Aloy still went out looking for Nil. She would stop by the Cut and check in with Ikrie, go out to watch Talanah practice, stop by Petra’s workshop and Erend’s forge. Janeva was both the hardest and the easiest of her stops. They still ran the transition house where Nil had stayed when he got out of jail and she had hoped Nil might have been staying there again, but they had no such luck. Janeva was looking for him, as much as they could through other ex-cons and the like. And when she stopped by, they always told her stories about Nil, the antics he’d gotten into and the ways he had changed in those first few months after he had been made a free man again. 

Avad was the one who held her when she got home from those trips, barely holding back her tears before she collapsed against him. She would tell him whatever stories Janeva had told her and that would be the night they let themselves be happy when they thought about Nil. 

Avad kept in touch with Uthid, who in turn kept an eye out for Nil too. He and Janeva both listened for any news about the Kestrels as well, all of them worried about what would happen if Helis found their runaway. They were the only two who knew the whole story since they knew exactly what Nil was facing and how to find him. Well, them and Teb. Teb, who they had forgotten to tell and who called fifteen minutes after his next session with Nil was supposed to start. His worry almost rivaled their own - and Aloy could tell he was holding back his anger and fear when they told him what had happened. He was quite possibly even more geared up to find him than them, muttered curses about his lack of foresight and stupid decisions punctuating his goodbye. 

But every day passed and they  _ didn’t  _ find him. Nil never went to see them and they didn’t catch wind of any news in the Kestrel’s ranks. Days turned into weeks and before long it had been a month since they had seen their fiancé. 

That was when Aloy stopped wearing her ring. 

She had taken it off while she was messing around with a new class project, as was her norm so she didn’t hurt either the ring or herself. But when she went to put it back on that day, she stopped. The blue opal band glittered where the sun hit it and she remembered the day Avad had given it to her. 

_ “What do you say, huntress? Want to marry me?” _

Aloy flung it away from her and the ring made a small sound as it hit the wall and fell behind their couch. Gasping, Aloy tried to get control of her breaths before she started hyperventilating. It had been a month since he had called her his little huntress and she had never realized how much that nickname had made her feel wanted and loved and seen. She loved that stupid, reckless man. Loved him more than how angry she was at him and loved him despite how hard he had broken her heart. Loved him just as much as she did the man who had stayed with her and put up with her bullshit and her issues and took care of her. It took awhile for her breaths to calm as she focused on finding that feeling of love and peace that she hadn't felt in so long.

Angry now with herself more than anyone else, Aloy pushed out of her chair to kneel beside the couch. She had to nudge it out of the way a bit and every second she couldn’t find her ring was another one where her breath came tight and her soul ached, but eventually she felt the cool antler and stone band under her searching fingers. Dragging it out, Aloy slumped against the wall as she cradled what was probably her most prized possession, still whole despite the cruel way she had just treated it. 

But as much as she treasured it...she couldn’t wear it. Not right now, when she was still angry and hurt. She may love Nil, but he still wasn’t with them. And she may love Avad, but neither of them were in the best place right now either. So Aloy made up her mind. 

Rising, she found the little velvet box they kept on top of her dresser. Inside was a ring adorned in moonstone and onyx, filled with memories both joyful and terrible. The box wasn’t supposed to hold two rings, but Aloy sat hers beside his, nestled into the velvet so they were locked together as well as two such different rings could be. 

Snapping the lid shut, Aloy brought the box to her lips. She’d put it back on if he came home, but only then. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What would they be the words that I say?  
> Your face and the door between  
> I've parted three ways for you the New one that I loved
> 
> (The Crowing, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> Let me know how much you hate me and what parts hurt the most in the comments! Or scream at me on tumblr @mythicaitt


	5. Give Him My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Avad struggled with his hopes and fears, all bottled up and made evident with one little thing. 
> 
> Chapter title this time is from Junesong Provision by Coheed and Cambria.
> 
> Tags: angst, just plain old angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I finished writing this whole fic today??? I wasn't expecting to tbh but here we are! I promised I'd start posting more frequently when I did so here we go! I'll probably post a new chapter every few days since I'll still need to edit them, but you'll get the angst (and the happy ending) a lot fast now my dears. 
> 
> (sidenote: this is probably the most painful chapter for me personally?? idk I could say that about a few of these but this one is short and definitely not sweet)

Avad was cooking when he heard Aloy’s phone ring. Even though it had been well over a month since Nil had left, he heard her scramble to pick it up. Both of them took every call now, just in case it was him, but it usually just meant they had to deal with more spam calls than usual. 

“Hello?” 

He couldn’t hear anything from the other end over the sound of sizzling veggies, but Avad could have sworn he felt the temperature of the apartment drop a couple degrees as his partner listened. After a couple minutes of her making little affirmative noises, he heard her sigh. 

“We’ll pick it up when we can, thank you,” she said woodenly. 

Avad called out, “Who was that?” 

When the only answer he received was silence, he turned the stove down and around the corner into the living room. “Aloy?”

She looked almost lost as she stared at her phone and it wasn’t until Avad lightly touched her shoulder that she even seemed to realize he was in the room. Her head snapped up and that was when he noticed that her eyes were full of unshed tears. Something to do with Nil, then. Avad reached out, hoping she would let him in this time, but Aloy stepped back before he could touch her cheek. 

“Your ring is ready,” she said, her tone the same stiff monotone she had used on the phone. 

Avad’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “My ring?”

“Your  _ engagement  _ ring,” Aloy said harshly. “The one N-Nil and I picked out for you the day he left.” 

Despite the anger she was clinging to, she stumbled over his name and Avad winced. His ring. He’d somewhat forgotten it was coming, in all honesty. Every part of him had been consumed by worry for Nil and Aloy, his excitement over the ring tarnished by the loss that permeated every day. The thought of it now… 

“Oh,” he sighed. 

“Yeah,” she muttered. Before Avad could think to ask if she wanted to go pick it up - a firm no, he was guessing - Aloy spun to grab her jacket from where she had flung it on the couch earlier. “I need to clear my head.” 

Normally Avad would ask if she wanted company, but as she stormed out of the apartment he had a twofold reason not to. Lately, she hadn’t wanted any company on the walks she took to center herself. Avad knew that sometimes having just him was harder than being alone for her, a reminder that one piece of their puzzle was missing. He knew it because sometimes he caught himself feeling the same way. 

The second reason was because he wanted his ring. 

Aloy had stopped wearing hers and the sight of her bare finger never ceased to send a bolt of pain straight to his heart. Despite that, he understood. He knew where it was and he knew why she had taken it off. But a part of him wanted her to fight harder for them. Hope was hard for Aloy and, more than almost anything short of getting Nil back, he wanted her to believe there was a happy ending through all of this. He was trying so desperately to hold onto that hope for both of their sakes. 

If anything, he wanted that ring more now than he ever had before. A little piece of both of his loves, from before this mess happened. Something he could cling to and something he hoped would help Aloy too. 

Taking in a deep breath, alone in the apartment as Aloy worked off her frustration and pain, Avad made his decision. Thanking the sun for caller ID, he got the name of the jewelry store from the phone Aloy had left behind. A pang of guilt hit him for not telling her where he was going, but he felt like he needed to do this alone. 

The only thing bringing Aloy along would do was hurt her more and that was the last thing he wanted. 

Checking to make sure their spare key was hidden where it was supposed to be, Avad locked up and settled into his car. As he pulled up the directions, he couldn’t help the glance he gave towards the motorcycle parking spots. Empty, as always. 

Shaking his head, Avad pulled out and made his way downtown. He managed to snag a spot close to the storefront, but before he got out, he took a moment to prepare himself. The urge to call Kadi rose up, but he couldn’t afford to do that right then. He hadn’t been able to talk to his brother almost at all in the past couple months, knowing he would end up breaking down when he inevitably told him what had happened. This task was going to be difficult enough without adding that on top of it. 

With a deep breath, Avad pushed his door open and made his way into the glittering store. There was a couple in the corner being led around by a woman through the ring displays and Avad’s heart clenched. He shouldn’t be here alone, but he had no choice. 

“How may I help you, dear sir?” came a smooth voice from beside him. 

Avad only jumped a little, but he turned to the man with a grateful, if tired, smile. Somewhat older than him, the jeweler looked kind and his wise gaze seemed to already catch on his ragged edges. “Ah, yes. I’m here to pick up a- a ring.” 

The man’s brilliant smile lit up and he turned with a wave. “You must be a certain Avad Surya.”

“Yes, that’s me,” Avad replied, following the man back to one of the counters with a little confusion. 

“Please excuse the familiarity,” he explained. “My name is Kudiv, I helped your fiancés pick out your ring. It’s a joy to be able to meet the man they poured all their care into.” 

Avad bit his lip against the longing that welled up inside him. How he wished this day was as happy as that one. At Kudiv’s gesture, Avad took a seat at the counter while he pulled out a folder of paperwork and placed it between them. 

“All I need is your signature here and I’ll go retrieve your ring from our vault.” 

The kind man swept away with the same grace that imbued all his other movements and Avad was left to stare blankly at the paper in front of him. It was just a standard closing document - Kudiv hadn’t pulled out the receipts so Avad couldn’t even check how much the ring had cost, but he saw Nil and Aloy’s signatures on one of the other pages. Sighing wistfully, Avad signed.

Kudiv was back before he even set down the pen, placing a small velvet box before him with a flourish. “Here you are! I must say, it’s one of my absolute favorites. They would only take the best for you.” 

As Avad reached out for the box, his heart dropped. Cradling it in his hands, he realized then how desperately he had hoped one of his partners would be the one to slip this ring on his finger. He ran his thumb over the seam of the box, but in the wake of his hesitation, Kudiv spoke. 

“Most of the time, the fiancé doesn’t pick up their own ring,” the jeweler said softly. “Can I ask why your partners aren’t here with you?” 

The tears he had valiantly been holding back flooded his eyes. “Sahad, he- he’s gone now.” 

With a sympathetic noise, Kudiv covered the hand still tight on the edge of the counter with his own. “My condolences, Avad. To lose the one you love… I cannot imagine your pain.” 

He spoke as if Nil had died and Avad couldn’t bring himself to correct him. Right now, that’s what it felt like - like Nil had died and he was left mourning a man he would never see again. For all his forceful optimism and the raging hope he normally carried that he would come home to them, at that moment, Avad let himself despair. 

Barely registering the fact that Kudiv ushered him into a private viewing room and sat him down in one of the chairs, Avad looked at him in confusion when he realized that he had. 

Passing him a handkerchief, Kudiv said, “I thought you would like to be alone when you see it. Would you like me to step out?” 

Taking the cloth, Avad realized it was for the wet streaks now painting his cheeks. Jerking a quick nod, Avad let out a deep breath when the jeweler left and he was alone in the quiet. He wiped at his face, though the gesture was futile since more tears rushed down anyway. 

He dropped the handkerchief on the table before him and steeled himself for a moment before opening the box.

It was beautiful. Perfect. 

Curved golden petals and ruby reds blended in his vision as a sob choked him and he had to close his eyes against another wracking rush of tears. Covering his mouth with his hand, Avad tried and failed to hold back. 

He wasn’t sure how long he cried, but no one came to interrupt him. When he finally managed to look at the ring again, to pull it out of the box and brush his fingertips over the cool metal edges, he saw the engraving on the inside of the gold band and lost himself to his misery again. 

_ “My heart is yours.”  _

_ Oh, Sahad. And mine is yours. _ For better or worse, Avad had given his heart over to that man just as deeply and wholly as he had given it to Aloy. With one half missing and one so achingly hurt and angry, he didn’t know how he wasn’t being torn at the seams. If something didn’t change soon… he didn’t know how they would go on like this. 

***

Aloy was home by the time he made it back. It had taken much longer than he had planned, Kudiv letting him calm down and making sure he was okay by the time he drove away. He hadn’t put it on until he was parked in their lot. If he had driven with that ring on his finger, he wouldn’t have been able to stop crying every time he saw it. 

As he settled it onto his third finger, Avad sighed. It felt… right. And it fit like a glove. 

Readying himself for another fight - if her reaction to getting the call was any indication to her reaction to seeing him actually  _ wear  _ it - Avad let himself into their home. 

Curled up on the couch, Aloy looked as if her eyes had been glued to the door. She jumped up as he took a cautious step in and he watched as she started shaking ever so slightly. Her own set of tear tracks graced her cheeks and more started to fall as he met her gaze. 

“I didn’t know-” she said, her voice breaking as she wrapped her arms around herself, “I didn’t know where you went.” 

Avad felt his breath leave him as surely as if he’d been punched. Closing the door, he strode over to pull her into a tight hug. She collapsed against him, clutching at his shirt as he maneuvered them onto the couch. “Sweet girl, I wouldn’t. I would never leave you like that,” he whispered against her hair as they curled around each other. 

They both heard the unspoken half of his words. 

Muffled by the way she had pushed her face against his chest, Avad barely heard her ask, “Where did you go?”

His gaze fell to the ring, reflecting the overhead light as he stroked Aloy’s hair. “To get my ring,” he said softly. 

Aloy froze for a moment before pulling out of his arms to meet his eyes. Her wide hazel eyes shone but he couldn’t tell what she was feeling until they found the ring on his finger. Giving him a watery smile, she took his hand in both of hers, brushing over the ring with her thumb. “It looks even better on you than we thought it would.” 

Still overwhelmed by his earlier breakdown and worried about Aloy, Avad let go. As much as he wanted to be strong for her, right now he needed to be held just as much as she did. Pulling her back into his arms, he held onto his lover as tight as he could, burying his face in her neck. Aloy melted into him, her hands tangling in his hair as she cradled him against her. 

“I wish-” he said before his voice left him.  _ I wish this had gone the way it was supposed to.  _

“I know,” she whispered, her grip tightening. 

_ I wish we had been together.  _

Her lips pressed to his temple, a reminder that she was still there. 

_ I wish we were whole again.  _

***

They ended up falling asleep there, wrapped up together on the couch. Avad woke after the sun had already fallen, the new moon leaving the sky dark and devoid of the gentle light that usually filtered into their apartment. 

As uncomfortable as the couch was now as he lay across it with Aloy stretched out on top of him, Avad couldn’t bring himself to move. Their big bed had felt empty for so long and laying here with her reminded him of the early days of their relationship, before they had moved in together. Aloy would come over to his apartment to study or for dinner and they somehow always ended up falling asleep while watching a movie. 

Those days were long past, since it had become harder to do that comfortably with three of them. Nil was usually the one to prod them off the couch and to bed, sometimes carrying one of them himself. Pain pulsed through him at the memory, followed closely by anger. 

He knew Nil had to have a good reason for leaving them, otherwise he never could have done it, but that didn’t stop him from being angry at him. Angry at him for not being there to pick Aloy up and take her to bed, for making him cry for all the wrong reasons when he saw his engagement ring, for giving Aloy the fear that he would leave her too. 

Before now, Avad wouldn’t have thought it possible for him to hold so many conflicting emotions at once. Even with his father, his inner turmoil had been less confusing than this mess of hurt, anger, longing, and helpless love. Aloy might have latched onto the anger, but he was clinging just as hard to the yearning hope that Nil would come back and everything would be fixed. 

As he lay there in the dark, letting himself feel everything that had been building up inside him over the last two months, the lingering thought that Avad kept pushing down kept surging back up. 

There was a solid chance that Nil wasn’t going to come home. And they would have to find a way to move on without him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's in the stars  
> And you're my everything from here to Mars  
> And every word I say I truly mean  
> Dear darling, I hope I'm being clear  
> 'Cause there's no one like you on earth  
> That can be my universe
> 
> Pardon me, I think I'm going  
> Out of my head and into the worst  
> A world without your verse  
> A world without you hurts  
> Please, I'm sorry  
> I will never let you go  
> I will never let you go  
> I will never let you go
> 
> (Here To Mars, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> So uh......yeah I'll see y'all in a couple days. Feel free to yell at me in the comments


	6. The One You'll Be Dreaming Of

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The tension between Aloy and Avad comes to a head as Aloy falls apart and he’s there to catch her. 
> 
> Chapter title this time is from Queen of the Dark by Coheed and Cambria!
> 
> Tags: unhealthy coping, angst (followed by some healthy coping and a lil bit of fluff)

They fell into an uneasy truce. Aloy didn’t say anything when pain filled her at the sight of Avad’s ring and he didn’t say anything when every new day passed without her putting hers on. The jarring difference put a gulf between them that they both struggled to cross. 

The morning after they had fallen asleep on the couch, when her neck was stiff and her limbs ached from holding Avad close, Aloy had realized that she had a choice to make. If they kept going the way they were, she and Avad would fall apart. Maybe not soon, and maybe they wouldn’t want to, but they would. 

If they wanted a future together, they would have to let Nil go. 

But her stubborn, aching heart didn’t want that. 

Every day, a war waged within her. The cold, analytical part of her - the one her father had given and grown in her - knew that people left and people would hurt her and all there was to do after they were gone was to move on. A more sinister piece of her whispered that things would never truly heal between her and Avad, that she should cut her losses and run. But as much as she couldn’t bear to let go of Nil, she would never be able to do it for Avad either. Not when he was  _ there  _ and the only thing even beginning to hold her together. 

So she pushed it all down and she ignored the feeling she had every other breath that told her she would break soon. And even though she knew it was a bad idea, that it wasn’t anywhere near a healthy way to cope, she tried to bottle up all her anger and hurt and did her best to hold onto the drifting parts of her heart. 

What made things worse was that everyone treated her like she was  _ fragile. _ Like any wrong word or move would make her shatter and that just made her angrier. And what she despised most was that she knew they were right. She was closer than any of her friends and coworkers knew to falling apart and she hated herself for it. 

She should be better than this, should be able to figure out what to do and where to go from here. More than once, her anger turned towards her father. Rost should have raised her so she knew what to do with these emotions instead of teaching her to push everything down, never acknowledging how to heal and love like a normal person. If only he’d just… 

But just as often, she would remember that she was an adult herself. She’d walked away from Rost and the Nora and she’d been her own person for years now. The little therapy she had gone to once upon a time had taught her to take responsibility for herself and her own actions - she couldn’t blame Rost for the things she let fester. Aloy only had herself to blame for the rotten way she felt as everything closed in on her. 

And so she wallowed. Her bad days were accompanied by the knowledge that she was the only one who could find a way to move past her misery. And when things felt normal, when she and Avad would laugh together and he would make her feel like herself again, she hated herself for being able to feel like that when Nil was goddess knew where. 

Since she tried not to fight with Avad and her bow stayed untouched, the only outlet Aloy had for her emotions was her projects and it was on the day that a delicate piece of metal snapped that she did too. 

Aloy had never been a fan of creating models - if she made something, she wanted it to work. Most models were digital nowadays anyway, but some of her professors liked to see them create something physical to represent their ideas. So Aloy was trying to create a mini valve system for a model dam that she didn’t really give a damn about. 

She was on her third try of fitting a tiny wheel into its slot, frustration simmering in her veins, when the door opened and her fingers jerked. The little piece of metal bent and she let out a frustrated cry, dropping the useless part before letting out a string of curses. 

“Aloy?” Avad asked from the door, arms burdened by groceries. “What’s wrong?” 

Gesturing wordlessly at the mess in front of her, she blew out a disgusted sigh. 

Setting down the bags on their counter, he made his way over to her desk, hands falling to her shoulders. Used to her projects and the little pieces of metal she worked with, Avad caught on pretty fast. Reaching past her, he picked up the little wheel and held it so delicately as he examined it. 

The ring on his finger flashed under her table lamp’s light and Aloy barely heard his words. 

“I’ve seen you fix worse, my love.”

She couldn’t fix what really mattered though. Anger lanced through her and she broke their unspoken rule. 

“Why the hell do you still wear it?” she snapped. 

Avad blinked at her as she shoved out of her chair. At a pointed glare from her, understanding flooded his face and his gaze softened. “You know why, Aloy.” 

“No, I don’t,” she ground out. Frustration tapped into that pressurized container of all the feelings she’d held back, all the fears she tried to ignore, and she lashed out. “It’s not like we’re ever going to get married anyway.” 

Her words seemed to echo in the deathly silence that followed them. As soon as they had left her lips, Aloy had known they were a mistake and she couldn’t bear to look at Avad now. But the silence grew and she felt the weight of his stare until she had to meet his eyes. 

The pain in his face sucker punched her and tears were already streaming down his face when he asked hoarsely, “Why would you say that?”

Aloy opened her mouth but no words came out. She wasn’t sure if the mix of sadness and anger just turned off all her emotions, but her voice came out cold and dispassionate when she could find it again. 

“It’s true, isn’t it? Sahad isn’t ever coming home. This… us… we’re broken now. And it’s not some stupid piece of metal that I can fix with a pair of pliers and some elbow grease.” As quickly as it had surrounded her heart, that wall of ice cracked. “I’ve never been good at fixing the things that matter,” she whispered, her voice breaking as she wrapped her arms around herself and stared at the wall. 

If she had expected to be met with anger or outrage, she should have known better. 

A warm hand cupped her cheek, gently urging her to look up at him until she finally did. Sorrow radiated from him, every inch of Avad’s body focused on her as he brought his other hand up to brush over her other cheek. 

“We’re not broken,” he murmured, brushing away a tear that escaped down her face. He gave her a weak smile. “Maybe a little cracked, but not broken. And it’s something we fix together; you’re not alone in this. You’re never alone, remember?”

At her hesitant nod, Avad leaned down to press his forehead against hers. “I’m not your father, Aloy. I love you and I’m never leaving you.” 

“I’m so scared, Avad,” she said, her voice weak. “What if something happened to him? What if something didn’t and he still never comes back? Are we going to be stuck in this goddess forsaken limbo forever? I don’t know- I don’t know how much more I can take without breaking.”

Avad’s hands left her so he could wrap his arms around her and pull her into his tight embrace. The feeling of him, solid and warm, made her melt and she gave up trying to be strong. He took her weight without complaint, fingers tangling in her hair as he pressed a kiss to her head. 

He let out a quiet sigh. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I was so focused on hoping he comes home that I let you spiral alone. I haven’t been the comfort to you that I should be.”

She scoffed, the sound muffled by his shirt. “Like I’ve been any better. I’ve yelled at you more in the last month than in the rest of our relationship.” 

“I wouldn’t mind doing without that,” he said lightly, prompting a real laugh out of her this time. 

Pulling back just enough to tilt her face up so she could see him, she sobered. “How are you not angry? Sometimes I think that’s all there is left inside me, just this rage that consumes me until there’s nothing else. And all it takes to set me off is some stupid little thing like that.” She didn’t point to her model but she didn’t need to. 

Avad hummed, thinking for a moment before he spoke. “It’s okay to be angry, Aloy. Sahad left us in the middle of the night with nothing but a note. Us, the people he had agreed to marry and love for the rest of his life. It’s… infuriating. Well worth getting angry about. But you and I are different people and if I got caught in the denial stage while you latched onto anger, that doesn’t mean either of us is grieving wrong.” 

_ “Grieving,” _ she said bitterly. “As if he had died and not just walked out on us without even doing us the courtesy of telling us why.” 

Avad smiled at her. “There you go. You can talk about him, Aloy, I won’t mind.” 

“But-” her voice wavered. “But if he comes back, I don’t want to stay angry at him forever.” 

“If he comes back, then you can rail at him for as long as you want and then we’ll talk and we’ll heal together.” 

Her fiancé’s voice was smooth and warm with a touch of humor but her mind caught on his words. Eyes wide, pain filtering through her, Aloy whispered. “You said ‘if.’ You always say ‘when.’” 

With a watery smile, he said, “I still want to believe he will come back - I still  _ do  _ believe - but I also have to be prepared if he doesn’t. And I don’t want to lose you by holding onto a hope that may never never come true.” 

Her strong Avad, always so willing to sacrifice and adapt for a better future. Rising on her toes, Aloy pressed a soft kiss against his lips, felt his sigh against her own as he responded in kind. 

Sinking back down, Aloy leaned into him. “So it’s okay if I rant about him when I need to?”

“More than okay, but…”

She peered up at him, saw the caution in his deep brown eyes. “What?”

“You’re always welcome to come to me, but it might help if you had someone else to talk to, as well.”

The meaningful look he was giving her finally translated and Aloy deflated a little. “You’re probably right. I’ve got plenty of issues a therapist could stand to hear.” 

He smiled at her. “Mine is probably half the reason I haven’t been so angry either.”

Taking in a deep breath, Aloy nodded decisively. “Okay. Communication and a therapist. I can do that.” 

“And if I need to nag you into exploding at me when you’re keeping something bottled up, I will,” Avad said solemnly, though there was a spark in his eye that Aloy had dearly missed seeing. 

“Deal.” With another quick kiss, Aloy settled back before her desk, determined to fix that pesky little valve and make this her best model yet. 

***

Though that anger still simmered in her, the next couple weeks passed easier for Aloy. It wasn’t perfect - wasn’t what they had  _ before  _ \- but it was better. They were healing. 

The only thing they didn’t talk about was how long was too long. They both kept searching for him and every confirmation that he was nowhere to be found was now another small prick added to the pain of his absence. Neither wanted to put a deadline on their search, to say when enough was enough. For as much pain as it caused them… neither of them wanted to give up.

It was during this time that Aloy finally found the strength to return to Nil’s old apartment. Avad had done most of the work to restore it to what it had been before someone had violently trashed it. Maintenance had fixed the door, the locks had been changed, and the majority of their things had been thrown away. 

Looking around at the mostly empty apartment, Aloy sighed. It was a shadow of what had been there before, but it was something. 

A corner of the main room was dedicated to the remains of Nil’s things, torn and broken as they were. At Aloy’s questioning glance, Avad shrugged. 

“It may not be worth anything to him anymore, but it’s worth something to me,” he said quietly. 

Nil’s note rose to her mind and, maybe a bit spitefully, Aloy was glad he had saved everything if it meant proving Nil’s nihilistic words wrong. Reaching out, she ran her hand over Avad’s arm soothingly before dropping to a crouch in front of the pile. 

With the utmost care, Aloy sorted through all of Nil’s things. Ripped band t-shirts, little wooden figurines he’d carved that had the delicate parts chipped or snapped off, the two halves of his laptop carefully stacked on top of each other, and more. Each piece both healed and harmed her as it made her think about the man who had left them. 

Thinking back to that day, she imagined Nil’s reaction to all of the destruction must have been even worse than their own. He was quiet about his past, even after he told them what had happened to him, but she always knew that he treasured the safety of their home because of it. To have it violated like this… Aloy blinked back her tears as she ran her fingers over the snapped length of one of his favorite chokers. 

Before she rose, Aloy tucked the little crescent moon pendant that used to hang on it into her pocket. 

Looking to Avad, she found him sitting before his own mess of things. As she made her way across the room, she recognized the colorful scraps as what was left of his paintings. Standing behind him, Aloy settled her hands on his shoulders even as she heard his little sniff. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” she murmured. In answer, he leaned back against her, hand coming up to cover one of her own. 

Tilting his head back against her thighs so he could meet her eyes, he said, “I was thinking of making them into a collage.”

“That’s a wonderful idea.” Avad hummed, his fingertips tracing over the whorls of starlight and a ripped half of a moon. Her hands tightened on his shoulders. “You haven’t been painting, have you.” 

It wasn’t really a question - she always knew when he was painting. The absence of classical music and paints staining their sink was yet another change that had darkened their home. Aloy would have given anything to get irritated at him again for the paint she normally found all over his clothes. 

Avad shook his head but didn’t say anything, so Aloy knelt to wrap her arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, bared for the moment since his curly hair was wrangled into a bun. “I can help if you want. When you’re ready.” 

Twisting around a little, Avad kissed her. “I’d like that. I had an idea myself, if you’re up for it?”

“What is it?”

“Would you like to go on a date with me?” 

Aloy bit her lip against the smile that shone at his deliberately light question. She could tell he wasn’t sure whether that was too much yet - dates had fallen far to the wayside with one of their lovers missing - but he was trying to stay casual in case she didn’t want to. But as much as it would hurt without Nil there, Aloy knew it was something she wanted. Being close to Avad again like that would be well worth the pain. 

Nodding, she asked, “What did you have in mind?”

The next day, Avad took her to a new restaurant that had opened up downtown. Despite being close to the main bustle of the city, it was tucked away in one of the sidestreets off the main path. A little bit of a hole in the wall from the outside, the inside was candlelit and the strong smell of garlic permeated the air as soon as they stepped inside. 

It wasn’t an extraordinarily fancy place, but Avad had insisted she wear one of her nicer dresses and he’d pulled out one of his more “casual” suits. Altogether, it was probably one of the most put together nights they’d had in months. 

With her hand tucked into the crook of his arm, the two followed the hostess as she led them to one of the tables nestled against the aesthetically rugged brick wall. Italian food had been one of Aloy’s favorites since she visited it one of the summers during her undergrad and this place had gotten the feel of an authentic Italian restaurant perfectly. She sighed contentedly as they took off their coats and sat down, Avad giving the waitress who came by their wine order. 

When she swept off to her next table, he gave Aloy a fond smile. “You like it?”

“If the food tastes as good as it smells, we’re coming here every week.” 

Laughing, Avad and Aloy settled in for a couple hours. The food and wine were perfect and if there were any hesitations and awkwardness, moments of uncertainty and loss, they ignored them for now. They let the silence stay where it needed to be and Aloy was glad when Avad didn’t say anything when he caught her staring off into space for a few moments. 

By the time the waitress came by to ask about dessert, Aloy was full and unable to eat anything more so their check came. She and Avad rose slowly, as if reluctant to let this little bubble pop so reality could set in once again. Twining her fingers with Avad’s, Aloy held his hand tight as they left the restaurant, braced for the biting cold of early winter. 

They had parked a couple streets away so they had to wait at the corner for the light to turn and Aloy let her gaze wander across the grey landscape of the cold city around them. Out of the way as it was, a couple homeless men were panhandling as another sat on the curb smoking. 

Though his back was turned to her, something about the man sitting down tugged at Aloy’s mind and her second glance became a third. Tangled black hair reached his shoulder and the coat he wore was threadbare and thin enough that she could see him shiver. He curled in a little, trying to block the wind as he lit another cigarette, but even still - Aloy knew those broad shoulders. 

Avad tugged at her hand, trying to get her to cross the street, but her feet were glued to the ground as she watched the roughened man turn to speak to a passerby. It was the sight of that beloved face that made her cry out as if she’d been gutted. 

Nil’s head snapped toward her, silver eyes going wide with shock as he met her gaze, and for a moment, the world stood still. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, please, this is what I can give  
> What else do you need from me?  
> I might be sick, broken, torn to pieces  
> So, whatever this is, this thing that now I've become,  
> you hate it so much, you keep on running from it  
> No matter the distance, no matter how,  
> no matter how far
> 
> (Far, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> Note: I have no idea what engineering students actually do for their projects but I was like “fixing a valve issue in the Greycatch parallel?? okay let’s do it” XD
> 
> Some healing! And a surprise! I wasn’t quite as mean this time, was I?


	7. We’ll Make It If You Believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting a glimpse of Nil is a whole new kind of heartache and it might just be the thing that pushes Aloy and Avad to make the changes they need to. 
> 
> Chapter title this week is from Everything Evil by Coheed and Cambria!
> 
> Tags: angst, fluff, smut

When Avad had looked to find what had made Aloy whimper like that, he hadn’t expected to find a weary shadow of their lover. 

In the few seconds they stood in silent tableau, Avad’s gaze swept over his fiancé, heart breaking at what he saw. Nil looked as if he had been living on the streets the whole time he’d been gone from them. Greasy dark hair now fell past his ears and he recognized the shirt that Nil had stolen from himself once upon a time. He looked like a mess. 

And if that cigarette in his hand was any sign, he’d been having panic attacks again. 

Breaking their shocked stalemate, Nil rose to his feet on unsteady legs. For a moment, just one, Avad thought he might have been about to run to them and his heart stuttered in his chest. 

Instead, as if against his own will, he took a step back. Away from them. Aloy’s hand spasmed, nearly crushing his own, but he held hers just as tight. With one partner clutching his hand and the other looking like a scared rabbit about to flee, Avad didn’t know what to do. He knew if he took a step closer, Nil would run. Whatever was causing that bone deep fear in his eyes wouldn’t let him do anything else. 

So despite being too far to touch, Avad reached out to him. “Sahad…”

Nil’s gaze dropped to his hand he held out and Avad knew the moment he saw the ring on his third finger. His eyes went wide, pain mingling with fear as his jaw dropped. Those beautiful silver eyes were glistening when he met Avad’s pleading stare once more and he said something before he turned and ran. 

Since he was rooted to the ground, Aloy was the first to move, tearing away from him as she raced after Nil. Jerking to life again, Avad followed, but he only caught a glimpse of Nil before he disappeared into an alley. Trying to catch up to both him and Aloy, he turned the corner to find her spinning around frantically in the dead end alley, with Nil nowhere to be seen. 

Wild hazel green eyes met his and Avad could tell she was about a minute away from breaking down. Turning away, she searched the end of the small alley but it took her almost no time to find it empty. Distraught, she checked the doors on the bracketing buildings, but they were all locked and no one answered her pounding knocks. 

When she went to storm out of the alley, Avad stopped her with a hand on her wrist. “He’s gone, Aloy,” he said quietly, heart in his throat. 

Eyes shut tight against the tears that fell anyway, Aloy gripped his hand. “Please,” she called out, her voice breaking, _ “please,  _ Sahad. Come _ home.”  _

No answer came and she collapsed in Avad’s arms. Aloy didn’t make a sound, the shudders wracking her body the only sign that she was struggling to contain the weight of seeing their lover. Avad held her tightly, his hands running over her hair and back, even as he kept searching the alley by sight alone. 

“He looked so  _ scared,  _ Avad,” she whispered, her voice muffled. “And did you see-”

“Yes. I did.” Nil had only ever smoked rarely, and only after his particularly bad panic attacks. He had once told them it was a bad habit he picked up as a teen and one he wasn’t proud of - but that it helped center him in the present after his mind trapped him in the past. With the wrecked way he had looked… Avad was willing to bet that he’d been having more than a few panic attacks. 

Nil always had more panic attacks when he was under stress and if he hadn’t been able to have the privacy of somewhere safe… Avad shuddered. 

Feeling his shaking, Aloy’s hands tightened where she was gripping his shirt, dragging him even tighter into her arms. Both of them deep in shock and unable to begin to process what all of this meant, they stood in that empty alley for longer than they should have. It took the cold biting into their exposed skin for them to finally draw apart silently. 

Keeping hold of Aloy’s hand, Avad took one last look around them - hoping Nil might suddenly decide to appear - before they walked out of the alley and into the sun. 

Neither spoke on the drive home. Words seemed like too big a thing to fill a silence already made too heavy by what had just happened. When they were ensconced in their own home, Aloy stood still in the doorway as Avad dropped onto the couch to bury his face in his hands. 

“We have to bring him home, Avad,” she said quietly, but with steely determination. He looked up to meet her eyes, pure blazing gold. “We  _ have  _ to.” 

Unsure of how they would even do that, Avad ran his hands through his hair, brushing it out of his face. Before he could speak - though to say what, he didn’t know - Aloy cut him off, her prior stillness gone as she began to pace across the floor in brisk, purposeful steps. 

“You were right - it has to be the Kestrels. Nothing else would scare him like that. I know I was being stupid and stubborn, but he…” she stumbled a little, in stride and voice, and met Avad’s gaze. “He almost came to us. He wanted to, I know he did.” 

Tears gathered in her eyes and Avad reached out to pull her close. Aloy went willingly, sinking onto his lap so she could curl close to him, tucking her head against his neck. Avad didn’t say anything for a while, just breathed in the smell of jasmine and metal that she always seemed to carry with her. 

“Are you okay?” he murmured after their breaths had slowed and the shaking had stopped. 

Aloy let out a dry huff, caught somewhere between a sigh and a laugh. “No. Are you?”

“Not in the slightest.” 

Drawing back, Aloy cupped his face, wiping away his tears with a soft caress of her thumbs. Even more softly, she brushed her lips against his. “I love you.”

Letting the warmth of that declaration surround him as it had many times before, Avad sighed. “And I love you, my darling.” 

Her next kiss was a little stronger and the next a little more. Avad gave into her touch, each of them needing to be just a bit closer with each second. Seeing Nil in person - seeing him like  _ that  _ \- had roused in them both the desperation they had when he’d first left. But alongside that desperate need to find him and figure out what was going on was the overwhelming peace and strength they had found in each other the last few weeks. It was still a bit tentative and new, this healing they had worked at, but it served to ground them in the midst of their pain from this new upheaval. 

For the first time since Nil had left, their touches weren’t haunted by his absence. Instead, hope and determination filled its place as Avad slipped his hand behind her neck and kissed Aloy hard. The little moan she made burned through his veins and Avad realized how much he had truly missed being close to her like this. The few times they had come together over the last couple months had been about their aching hearts more than it had truly been about  _ them.  _

By the time they drew back to breathe, they both needed more of that feeling. Standing, Aloy held out her hand and he took it without hesitation. She led him back to their bedroom and went to take her shirt off before he stopped her. 

“Please,” he said quietly, “let me take care of you?”

Aloy wilted a little, concern shining in her bright eyes. “What if I want to take care of  _ you?” _

“Taking care of you does help me, my love. You know that,” he said with a fond smile as his fingertips traced across her cheek to her hair. 

She leaned into his touch, much the same way their cat did when she was feeling affectionate, he noted, though he would never tell her that. Carefully, Avad undid the knot of braids she had used to tie half her hair up and carded his fingers through the waves as they were freed. 

Sighing in relief, Aloy tilted her head back and he took advantage, dropping soft kisses along the column of her neck. Her hands gripped his shoulders tight as he made his way lower, stopping only a moment as he dragged her skirt up until he could slip the dress over her head. Dropping it on the floor, Avad replaced it with his hands, mapping every curve of her pale, freckled skin until she was arching against him. 

Once her bra was gone, Avad kneeled down, lips tracing over her breasts so lightly until she protested. Aloy buried her hands in his curls, nudging him closer until he gave in, lips closing around one of her nipples as he teased her with his tongue. He took his time with her, relearning her body and the noises she made as he kissed and licked and sucked at her skin. By the time he made it to her center, she was trembling. It didn’t take long for her to tense and cry out as he worked her sweetly and surely to her completion. 

Avad took her weight as she collapsed against him, standing to lay her on the bed next to them. He couldn’t take his eyes off of his fiancée while he stripped, as she stretched and slit her eyes open to watch him. As soon as he had the last of his clothes off, Aloy was reaching for him. 

Joining her on the bed, Avad let her pull him in for kiss after kiss. She dragged him closer, until he was settled between her parted thighs and he could feel her wet heat against his length. Pausing to catch his breath, Avad rested his forehead against hers, delighting in the eager look Aloy gave him. Needing to take his time, wanting to remind himself as well as her that they were together and they were good and they were going to be whole again, he pulled back just enough to see her face, to brush her hair back until it became a halo around her. 

Never one to stay still, Aloy’s hands flattened against his chest before sliding lower, tracing across his stomach until one closed around his achingly hard cock. Avad moaned at her touch, pushing against her as she teased him. She only lasted a few moments though, her impatience winning out as she whined his name. 

Tugging her hand away, Avad laced their fingers together and pressed her against the bed. With a tilt of his hips, he rocked himself against her, sliding his cock against her core. After a couple strokes, the need pulsing inside him was too strong and Avad angled himself so that on the next thrust, the tip of his cock pushed in. Aloy moaned, her legs wrapping around his hips as he sheathed himself inside of her. He watched her face the whole time, her cheeks stained red from the blush spreading across her features, eyes closed tight against the feeling of being filled by him, and those perfect lips parted as she gasped in pleasure. 

Unable to hold back, Avad slanted his lips over hers, swallowing her noises with a kiss. She tasted like heaven and he gave in to the parts of him telling him to move, pulling out slowly before cleaving back into her. Aloy met him thrust for thrust, her heels digging into his back when he wouldn’t let her pick up the pace. Instead, he forced them to go slow, savoring every moment as he sank into her again and again. 

When his concentration began to slip, that pressure building to a quick peak, Aloy took her chance. Flipping them over, she pushed him into the bed as she stole control. Avad couldn’t do anything but grasp at her hips as she rode him, her pace faster than before even as the new position caused him to sink deeper inside her. It was the sight of her above him, demanding the things she needed from him in all her fiery beauty that was the undoing of him. Avad gave himself over to his climax, head thrown back into the bed as he cried out her name. 

Aloy took mercy on him, her movements slowing as he grew sensitive, until he slipped out of her and she stretched out over him. Crossing her arms over his chest, she rested her chin on them as she watched him catch his breath. It took him a moment to realize that the satisfied look on her face was entirely because of him and not because she had found her own completion. 

“Aloy,” he protested, “I can-”

She shook her head stubbornly. “Nope. You already took care of me; I’m perfectly happy right here.” So saying, she wiggled a little on top of him, settling in even more as his arms came up around her. 

He hummed grumpily, but he gave in as she leaned forward to kiss him. 

Silence stretched out between them, comfortable and warm as they traded soft caresses and sweet kisses. The sun was beginning to set when Aloy finally spoke. 

“I think I have an idea.”

“About what?” Avad shifted onto his elbows, eyebrow cocked. 

Fierce hazel eyes met his, a fire in them that he hadn’t seen in too long. “I know how to find Nil.” 

***

When morning came, Aloy made her way to the little box on her dresser before she did anything else. It was small and cool in her hands, the velvet soft against her skin as she stared at it. 

She hadn’t heard Avad get out of bed, but he was there in the next moment, arms wrapping tight around her. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he murmured, “You don’t have to wear it if it’s too much.” 

His acceptance was what gave her the courage to open the box. Two rings shone in the early morning light, blue and white and black gleaming and so very real. With a shaky breath, Aloy skimmed her thumb over both of them before settling on the one that was hers. 

“Nil wasn’t the only one running,” she said, sorrow echoing inside her. “I thought I’d learned that lesson before, but this… I guess I always did have to learn things the hard way.” Avad’s arms tightened, his solid grip grounding her as she pulled her ring out and slipped it on her finger. 

Turning, she pulled Avad down into a fierce kiss. “I’m sorry, Avad, so sorry it took me so long to get my head out of my ass.” 

She saw him bite back a smile, but she also saw the relief shining in his beautiful brown eyes. “I’m just glad I didn’t have to actually run after you.”

His words stuttered to a stop and she felt the same pain as he did. Only instead of letting it fester inside of her, Aloy used it to fuel her determination. Looking up at one of her fiancés grimly, she said, “We might well have to do that again when it comes to Nil. Are you ready?”

Avad nodded. She followed him as he grabbed his phone and made his way to their couch, sitting beside him as he dialed. Resting her head on his shoulder, arms wrapped around his waist, Aloy heard a familiar voice say an exasperated hello when the line picked up. 

“Hi Kadi,” Avad answered, a chagrined but fond smile forming. “Sorry I haven’t called in a while. Aloy and I could use your help.” 

***

Kadaman was on a plane before the end of the day. Avad had insisted he didn’t need to come himself, but his brother was nothing if not headstrong and he claimed it had been too long since he had been stateside anyway. 

When they picked him up at the airport, a familiar but unexpected figure was by his side. Vanasha, he and Avad’s little brother’s nanny, was not someone Aloy had thought Kadaman would bring to search for their lost fiancé. As Kadi swept his brother up into a tight hug, Aloy shook the other woman’s hand, her eyebrows raised. 

“Should I ask why he roped you in?” 

Vanasha’s laugh rang out like a bell. “You’ll find out soon enough, little huntress.” 

Heart seizing at the nickname, Aloy fought back tears for a moment before saying quietly, “Please don’t call me that.” 

Sadness filled Vanasha’s dark eyes. “Oh yes. My apologies, Aloy. We’ll find him for you soon.” Her hand fell to Aloy’s shoulder, squeezing tight. 

Having only met the woman a handful of times, Aloy would have been surprised by how comfortable she was around her, but something about the woman put her at ease. She felt like a kindred spirit, one she hadn’t been able to stop from adopting Nil’s nickname for her the first time they had met - a move met by Nil’s pouting and her own laughter. The memory made her smile, if only a little. 

Before she could thank Vanasha for coming, Aloy was caught up in a strong hug. Taller than her by quite a bit, it was easy for Kadaman to pick her up off the ground with his embrace. Just as with Avad, he didn’t let go for a long while, not until after she had relaxed into his hold, burying her face into his shoulder. Aloy hadn’t had any siblings growing up - Teb had been the closest thing to a brother to her. Over the last few years, Kadi had become just as important to her, a brother of her heart if not her blood. Having him there was already easing some of the pain. 

“Thank you for making him call me,” he whispered, too low for Avad to hear. “You know I’d do anything for the three of you.” 

Aloy hugged him tighter for a moment in answer before pushing against his shoulders. “I know, now put me down, you big sap.” 

Kadi was laughing as he did what he was told and, with greetings out of the way, the four of them went out into the cold. The temperatures were dropping with every new day and Aloy couldn’t help but think of Nil and if he was staying someplace warm. She shoved the image of him in that threadbare coat out of her mind. 

As they drove away, Kadaman refused to hear anything about Nil yet, instead asking Avad about how he was liking the museum job and about Aloy’s classes. They filled the car with meaningless talk, all the way until Avad parked in front of the Cut. They quickly made their way from the car to the door, piling into the warm, dark bar.

Aloy caught sight of a raised hand and found Janeva, Uthid, and Teb hoarding one of the bigger tables. Grabbing Avad’s hand, she led them over, the four of them settling down at the table as greetings and introductions began. She didn’t miss the way Kadi looked at her oldest friend, nor the way Teb looked back at him. Or the way their hands brushed as Kadi rested his elbows on the table. 

A small smile at their very obvious affection tugged at the corners of her lips. She was glad something good might come of having to drag Kadaman out here. 

“And who might  _ you  _ be, my handsome fellow,” Vanasha purred, snapping Aloy’s attention to where she was leaning over to get closer to Uthid. 

To Aloy’s amazement, the older man’s cheeks went a little pink, the beard he wore not helping hide that one bit. She blinked as he thrust his hand out at the seductive woman sidling closer to him. “I’m Uthid. It’s nice to meet you.” 

The stilted tone and his forced space did nothing to dissuade Vanasha, though she retreated to shake his hand firmly, her eyes twinkling. “My name is Vanasha and it is  _ very  _ nice to meet you too, Uthid.” 

Aloy snorted, her eyes finding Avad’s only to see him choking back laughter. Janeva just rolled their eyes at all of them before knocking their knuckles against the table. “Can we get to work or are you all just going to keep making eyes at each other?”

Teb and Uthid might have blushed a bit but their British counterparts were completely unabashed. Grinning at them, Kadi teased, “Would you like some attention, Janeva? I’d be more than happy to flirt with you too.” 

He was given a very unimpressed look, but Aloy caught just a little bit of a smile before they took a sip of their beer - not that she would ever tell anyone that. Especially not when Janeva caught her looking and glared at her. 

The bit of lighthearted fun gave her spirit the boost it needed for her to speak without getting too emotional. Pulling out a little notebook she had been using to make notes since that morning, Aloy cleared her throat. 

“Okay, let’s get started then. You all know that Nil…” Despite her decisive beginning, she trailed off, swallowing against the lump in her throat. Avad’s hand found hers and she held onto it like an anchor. “You all know what we know about why Nil left and about us seeing him yesterday.” Nods all around the table; they had called Janeva and the others that morning as well, filling them in. She assumed Kadi had informed Vanasha because she was nodding with the others. Her gaze finally rested on Kadaman himself. “We’re hoping you have some resources to tap into that we don’t.” 

He gave her a sharp grin. “There’s nothing else I’d rather use my father’s shady connections for, little sister.” 

“Can we ask why you brought Vanasha along now?” Avad asked wryly. 

The two of them laughed, Kadaman looking to her. “Would you like to do the honors or shall I?”

“You know I’d never pass up a little bit of drama,” Vanasha said grandly. As she looked to Avad, Aloy saw a little bit of remorse in her gaze. “I do apologize for having to hide this from you, Avad, but I am much more than just Itamen’s nanny.”

“Oh?” he asked, eyebrows rising. 

“I’m also a bodyguard for both him and your stepmother.”

Avad blinked. “Okay… and how does that help us here?”

She grinned. “Because crafty Kadaman here poached me from MI6 so I come equipped with certain skills that come in handy when tracking people down.”

Silence met her admission before Aloy let out a vindicated little snort. “I  _ knew  _ there was something more to you.” 

“Yes, yes, you’re a suspicious little rabbit,” she said, laughing. 

Avad looked deep in thought, as if the pieces were finally falling into place. “I really shouldn’t be surprised, should I.” 

Surprisingly, it was Uthid that they had to tell to shut up after he wouldn’t stop bombarding her with questions about MI6. Vanasha was all too willing to humor him, sliding in double entendres and innuendos with every answer until they got back on track. 

Over the next couple hours, the seven of them came up with a plan as they sectioned out the city and put together a list of the people and places they had and hadn’t checked before. Ikrie came by more than once with refills for their drinks, curiosity burning in her gaze as she glared at Aloy. As they were winding down, the bartender pulled her aside. 

“It’s about Nil, isn’t it?” she asked quietly. 

Aloy nodded, arms wrapping around herself. “We’re going to find him.”

Ikrie’s wise hazel eyes studied her long and hard. “We all know there’s more going on than you’ve told us, but Aloy… we’ve been worried about you for months.”

“I know,” Aloy whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry; let us in. We only want to help.”

Sniffing, Aloy shifted on her feet before meeting her friend’s stubborn gaze. “Okay. I’ll tell everyone to meet here tomorrow and we’ll tell you everything.” 

Ikrie gave her a blinding smile before she threw her arms around her, hugging her tight. “You may be a genius, but sometimes you learn so slow, Aloy.” 

Aloy choked out a laugh, returning the hug until the other woman had to get back to work. 

Sitting back down at their table, Avad wrapped an arm around her waist to tug her close. “Everything alright?”

“I told her I’d fill everyone in tomorrow.”

Pressing a kiss to her forehead, Avad said, “Good. We’ll need the help.” 

By the time the night ended, they had a solid plan. Uthid and Vanasha would cover a lot of the legal ground, working their way through the system to find where Nil might be slipping through the cracks. Janeva and Aloy would go around to all of the halfway houses and the community centers that serve the homeless population. Teb and Kadaman would be contacting all of their connections to see if they could find someone who had talked to him. Avad would be in charge of their other friends - Talanah, Ikrie, Erend, and Petra would all be able to help go back over Nil’s old haunts looking for any sign of him. 

Overall, Aloy was satisfied with their work. She was exhausted after the long day, emotionally drained from spending all of it so determined to keep pushing forward. By the time she and Avad got home, she was ready to fall into bed and it was only his prodding that made her go through her normal bedtime routine. 

Finally curled up next to him as she drifted to sleep, Aloy found that the kernel of hope inside her heart had grown bigger - fed and watered by the support and love from their friends and family. She slept a little easier that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lost myself along the way  
> Restless nights mixed with purposeless days  
> Counting forward, taking steps  
> To a better man, the one you can live with
> 
> And when the world comes crashing down  
> Don't make a move, don't make a sound  
> Just watch it fall, watch it come down  
> Feel it as it goes, does it feel good to let go
> 
> Full of color, all she's made of  
> Melancholy ways to count her scars  
> Her scars
> 
> (Colors, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> This is it y’all, the build to the end! Aloy and Avad are healing and determined - and now they’ve got the people they love helping them out. 
> 
> Feat. one of my absolute favorite crackships, Kadaman and Teb XD
> 
> Visit me on tumblr @mythicaitt or yell at me in the tags!


	8. Alive Here Among the Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nil has been running for months and he’s so tired. The only thing he wants to do is go home. 
> 
> Chapter title this time around is from Everything Evil by Coheed and Cambria!
> 
> Tags: angst, panic attacks, ptsd, unhealthy coping, smoking, violence, blood, death

When he had first seen them, Nil thought that he must still somehow be in the throes of his latest panic attack. It was the smoke burning his lungs that reminded him that this was real and it was the looks on their faces that drove that reality home. 

Instead of twisting into a nightmare of blood and death, Aloy’s beautiful, beloved face stayed locked in an expression of shock and pain. Her anguished eyes begged him to comfort her and her hands clutched at Avad, every line of her body caught in a stillness he’d never seen in her. Avad with his eyes round from the same surprise and grief he could feel radiating from them even where he stood, all too far away.

And yet not far enough. He shouldn’t be near them. 

It was through sheer willpower alone that Nil took a step back, ready to flee. And even still… he couldn’t bring himself to leave. When he’d abandoned them, it had been in the dead of night, when they were asleep and safe and he wasn’t faced with the looks they were giving him right at that very moment. Even with the need to protect them thrumming through his veins, he was altogether weak in heart and soul for the two who held the very core of his being in their hands. 

So he stayed, caught between hope and fear, life and death, warmth and the burning cold, until Avad said his name. Barely more than a whisper, said with the reverence owed to kings and queens and the gods themselves. As he reached out, the light caught on his ring and Nil felt his breath leave him. 

He had helped pick out that ring. Seen it glittering in its case and shared his joy with the woman beside him. That ring meant  _ forever  _ and Avad was wearing it. Forever his heart was theirs. And forever meant he had to protect them for that long too. 

As much as it hurt, both them and him, he knew he had to run again. Tears burned in his eyes as he met Avad’s gaze and he saw the knowledge of what he was about to do in that look. The reminder that he was  _ known, _ by these two above all others, only made it hurt worse. Without his permission, the words slipped out of him before he fled.

“I miss you.” 

_ I miss you so much it’s killing me.  _

He knew, down to his marrow, that they would chase him. Bitter laughter spilled from him as he ran to an alley he knew too well. All he had wanted for so long was to be loved that much and here he was spurning the people who gave it to him. Even for such a noble reason, Nil hated himself for it. 

The bleak gray walls of the buildings closed in on him and Nil pulled open the door to his little hideaway just as he heard Aloy calling out to him. Slamming it shut, he threw the lock and collapsed against it, panic making his breaths come quick as he strained to hear if she was approaching. 

“Nil? Where are you?” Her frantic voice cut him to the core but it meant she hadn’t seen him duck into the hovel. Letting himself slide down the door until he was sitting on the cold, hard ground, he listened as she pounded on each of the doors in the alley. 

When she got to his, he let the shaking of her knocks spread through his body. Took the angry and fearful calls of his names, both old and new, and wrapped them around his broken heart. It was only in the thundering silence after she gave up that he heard Avad’s words. 

“He’s gone, Aloy.”

“Please.  _ Please,  _ Sahad. Come _ home.”  _

Burying his face in his hands, Nil let himself weep, silence the only limit to his pain. Beyond the roaring in his veins, he didn’t hear the words they spoke next, though he knew it was to each other and not to him - Nil was gone. Sahad was all that was left, a wreck of a man unable to be with the ones he loved. 

When their voices shrank and disappeared, the panic hovering at the edges of his consciousness seeped forward to take its place. It was more than the cold that made him shake, the remnants of an attack that had only begun to fade from before now taking back the territory he had regained. For endless moments, Sahad let it wash over him. He lost himself to the voices of the past and pain long since gone, reignited by the pain of the present. 

It was the memory of Avad wearing his ring that helped him drag himself back from the edge of despair. His body moved before he could tell it to, fumbling with the lock on the door so he could fling it open. 

An empty alley met him and he collapsed to his knees. Wrapping his arms around himself, Sahad let the tears flow, nothing stopping the shuddering cries he let out knowing he was too late. 

Even though he had run, even though weeks and weeks had passed and all that he had left them was a note and hidden message in a video meant for thousands of others, Avad still wore the ring they had bought for him. It was the knowledge that he hadn’t been there to put it on his finger that tore him to pieces. The knowledge that, even now, they had hope for a future with him in it. 

As his sobs waned and his breathing slowed, Sahad dragged himself to the wall of the alley. For once, he didn’t keep an eye out for the Kestrels, closing his eyes as he dragged out another cigarette and lifted it to lips that still trembled. He took no heed of the tear tracks still wet on his cheeks, only savored the burn of each pull as he let the smoke clear his mind.

He hated smoking. Had hated it even when he was a teen and it had the forbidden thrill of illegality. It was one of the things one did as a Kestrel. An unspoken rule, the younger members were inducted in through various illegal measures, smoking being one of the first. And Sahad had followed all of the rules, desperate to belong and desperate for the stability Kestrel law would give him. 

Prison broke him of the habit and he hadn’t picked it up again when he was released. It wasn’t until his third or fourth midnight panic attack that Janeva had suggested it. Nil had resisted, not wanting to be reminded of his life before, but his friend had calmly and firmly told him that sometimes being reminded that something truly is  _ past  _ can help center one in the present. 

So every time he took in the smoke, he remembered the group of misfit boys who had fallen into the Kestrels with him. And when he’d had his first panic attack the morning after he left Avad and Aloy, it was what made him think of Atral. 

Nil had been in prison when Atral had left the Kestrels. He’d done it with considerably less flare than Nil had and it had earned him a bit more breathing room. A few months before Helis found him, he had asked Uthid if he could find out where Atral was living. Wary of reconnecting with anyone from his old life, even if they had left it themselves, Nil had still been debating whether to reach out. 

Being on the run forced that decision to the forefront. When he knocked on the door of a small but beautifully kept house, it had taken him a moment to recognize the woman who had answered. Elida had grown into herself since he had known her; once immature and weighed down by the circumstances of her life, the woman in front of him radiated a quiet joy, evident even in the few moments it took her to recognize him as well. 

When she did, her eyes widened. With a quick look around them, she grabbed his arm, dragging him inside. 

“What do you think you’re doing, Sahad?” she asked quietly, her tone that of a scolding mother. He ducked his head, wondering why she had brought him in when she didn’t want him there, but his misunderstanding was cut short when she enveloped him in a warm hug. Still intensely vulnerable after leaving home and the subsequent panic attack, Nil let himself find a little comfort in that small gesture. 

After she pulled back, her voice was stern once more. “You know he’s after you - you can’t be out in the open like that.” His surprise must have shown on his face because she sighed. “Atral keeps in touch with some of the others and he heard they were hunting for you again.” 

Realizing what he had done, Nil started to turn. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here. I don’t want to put you in danger-”

“Stop that,” she said sharply. Pushing and pulling, the much shorter woman bullied him into their kitchen as she spoke. “No one saw you and we’re in no more danger than we normally are. Now sit down and tell me what’s going on while we wait for Atral to get back. I assume he’s the one you want to see?”

Sufficiently cowed, Nil sat at their table, light pouring in through the windows to bathe the room in a yellow glow. At her offer of coffee, he declined, but he hesitantly began telling her how he knew Helis was looking for him. 

When he mentioned Avad and Aloy, his tongue stumbling a bit, her expression softened. “Your partners?”

He nodded, swallowing hard.

“They must be wonderful,” she said, hand falling to cover his where it was clenched on top of the table. 

“They are,” he said hoarsely. 

Squeezing his hand once, Elida pulled back, listening quietly as he continued. He was just finishing when they heard the patter of little feet and a small blur threw itself at Elida, latching onto her leg. 

“Mama, mama! ‘m hungry!” Grasping hands pulled at her skirt as Elida smiled down at the little boy who Nil knew couldn’t be anyone other than her and Atral’s son. With eyes that matched his mother and skin the same warm, brown shade as his father’s, the little boy bore a striking resemblance to them both. 

Lifting him up in her arms, Elida settled the boy on her hip before turning to Nil. “I’d like you to meet someone, sweetheart. This is mama and daddy’s friend, Sahad. Can you say hi?”

Eyes widening as he met Nil’s gaze, the little boy waved shyly, seeming to retreat into his mother’s side. Giving him one of his most charming smiles - easier in the face of the young one than he thought it would be - Nil braced his elbows on his knees, leaning down so he wasn’t quite so tall, even sitting. 

“Hi, little man. What’s your name?” 

If he caught Elida’s surprised but pleased smile out of the corner of his eye, Nil didn’t say anything. 

Wide brown eyes regarded him for a minute before he pulled his thumb out of his mouth to say, “Avi.” 

Gravely, Nil replied, “It’s very nice to meet you, Avi.” 

After their introductions, Elida gave him a little bowl of goldfish, guiding him to the living room and telling him that she’d know if he made a mess. As she was putting the rest of the bag away, she said softly, “His full name is Lahavis.” 

Nil’s eyebrows rose. “You named him after your father?”

Laughing, she sat down across from him again. “After everything that happened, when I decided not to run away with Atral, he changed. He… listened to me.” Her voice was quiet, with an undeniable fondness that Nil was happy to see. “We talked about everything that had happened since my mom died, about how alone I felt, and he took steps to make sure he was taking care of me the way I needed him to. He even ended up liking Atral,” she laughed again before sobering. “He died about about a year after we got married.”

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Nil said quietly. 

Lost in her memories while Nil tried to concentrate more on hers than the aching pain still far too fresh in his own heart, the two of them sat in silence for a few minutes. It was the sound of the garage door opening and slamming shut that brought them back to life. 

“Elida, I saw a motorcycle parked out front, who-” 

Atral’s words cut off when he saw Nil standing from his chair and, with a sharp cry, he pulled him into a strong hug. With a crooked smile of his own, Nil hugged his oldest friend back. Losing touch with Atral had been his biggest regret when he left the Kestrels. His best friend since middle school, Atral had been the first person to really care about him and he’d been the most important person to him because of it. 

When he pulled back, Atral kept his hands on Nil’s shoulders, looking him up and down with an eagle-eyed glance. “Good to know he hasn’t gotten to you yet. What can we do?”

With a lopsided grin, Nil shook his head. “I mostly came to see you. If he’s hunting me again, I don’t have the excuse of hiding from my old life anymore.” 

Understanding lit in his friend’s eyes. “I’m glad you forged a new one, Sahad.”

“I’m glad you did too,” Nil said quietly, nodding to the little boy who ran in to greet his father. 

Despite hugging Avi close, Atral’s expression was somber. “You’re not going to let us help, are you.”

More statement than question, and a true one. If he had been hesitant about getting them involved before, knowing they had little Avi to take care of ruled them out entirely. His own life was already fucked up enough as it was, he wasn’t going to put his friend’s family in any more danger than he already had. 

Seeing the stubborn look in his eye, Atral grunted. “Let us do  _ something, _ Sahad. You’re going to need people on your side if you want to get out of this alive.” 

“Who said I was going to get out of this alive?” Nil teased, the joke falling flat as Atral and Elida both glared at him. 

Sighing, Nil dug in his pocket for his keys. “Fine. Would you mind looking after my bike? I can’t take it where I’m going.”

Atral held out his hand but Nil kept them for a moment longer, thumb tracing over the worn silver of the apartment key - the one he couldn’t bear to leave with Avad and Aloy when he’d left them less than a day before. Taking a fortifying breath, he pressed the keys into his friend’s hand. 

“And how can we get in touch with you?”

“I don’t-” At Atral’s glare, he held up his hands in defeat. “I’ll give you my phone number.”

Atral’s knowing look didn’t fade and Nil actually did give up this time. They both knew he wouldn’t be able to charge his phone where he was going. Grudgingly, he gave him the name and number of the shelter he would check in at. He wouldn’t actually stay there, but he knew Abas from back when he was just out of jail and he could drop by for news when he needed to. 

With his motorcycle hidden away in a corner of their garage and only the bag on his back, Nil left the concerned couple behind. Avi wanted him to stay and play, but he knew staying any longer only meant they were more likely to be caught together. The only reason Helis wasn’t already at their door was because he probably knew they hadn’t been in contact for years. 

The next few weeks were a blur of aching loneliness and dropping temperatures. The shelters he could have stayed at were too easy to search and would have made Helis’s job go that much faster. Instead, he blended in with the homeless population of the city. Every week or so he would pack up and move to one of the other abandoned buildings and squat there until he began to see Helis’s men sniffing around the area. 

It wasn’t long before he grew tired - of being unable to find a private place to rest, of sleeping on hard concrete, of the increasing number of panic attacks he had. Of missing them. Aloy had teased him about keeping her and Avad’s pictures in his wallet - calling him old fashioned and an incurable romantic - but they were his only solace during those cold, cold weeks. He would pull out the pictures only when he was as alone as he could be. They were worn at the edges now, her bright smile and Avad’s flushed cheeks slowly fading with every brush of his fingers over their beloved faces. 

The first time he checked in with his shelter contact, he found out a woman with hair as red as blood, tenacious in her stubbornness, had stopped by looking for him. He hadn’t told her about Nil, but the thought of Aloy combing the homeless shelters of the city looking for him made his heart stutter. If anyone could find him just by luck alone, it was her. 

After that, Abas agreed to meet him somewhere else just in case he accidentally ran into her at the shelter.

Ironic, then, that he ended up seeing her on a random street in a part of town they normally didn’t go to. 

Scrubbing his hand across his face, Nil wiped the last of his tears away. There was a part of him - a very large part - that wanted to say fuck it and go get his bike from Atral so he could go home. The idea of walking into their apartment, finding comfort in his lovers’ arms, and sleeping in their bed was so tempting that he found himself moving before he even realized he had stood. When he got to the mouth of the alley, he stopped. 

Picking their way through the scattered group of beggars were a couple of young men, teens it looked like. They searched each face, concentrating on the men, and when one of them turned, Nil caught a glimpse of a bird tattooed on his neck. 

Backing up slowly so the flash of movement wouldn’t catch their eye, Nil went back into his current residence. Packing his meager belongings took all of a minute and then he was sneaking out the back of the building.

***

The next few days were agony. They got their first snowfall of the year, temperatures dropping sharply enough that Nil’s breath seemed to crystallize as soon as it escaped him. Finding a warm place to curl up was hard enough with the weather, but it got even harder as he started seeing more and more Kestrels. 

Helis was slowly closing in on him. He felt the cage drawing closer with every day, making it harder and harder to find safe places to rest. Sleep, already scant enough, became a thing of the past. Cat naps were his new normal and even those were few and far between - though they made him think of Artemis and what he wouldn’t give to have her settled on his chest and purring her heart out again. Their cat wasn’t the only one on his mind either.

The combination of seeing them - of running from them,  _ again  _ \- and his lack of sleep meant that every time Nil saw a flash of long red hair or a man with curly hair in a suit, his heart started beating double time. They haunted him, the thought of seeing them again soon becoming the only thing driving him to move, to stay alive. 

After almost a week had passed, Nil found himself at his breaking point. 

Without consciously meaning to, he had started walking towards home. He recognized the grocery store they went to and the fancy pet store Avad insisted they use. For the whole time he had been gone, he had avoided this side of town; not only were they more likely to be here, the pain was unimaginable. 

He should have known it would be something small that finally broke him. After all the pain and the nightmares and the hiding, he was stretched thin, emotionally and mentally. The last time he had felt this brittle, it was right before he turned himself into the police and got locked up for two years. All it would take was something tiny, something inconsequential, and he would be done for. 

Something like seeing a piece of Avad’s art hanging in the window of an art gallery. 

Nil stopped in his tracks. He would recognize his fiancé’s work anywhere, even if it was a gallery he’d never known to show his art. And this was most definitely Avad’s - one he hadn’t seen before. Even as he looked, the painting blurred and it didn’t even matter what it looked like. Avad had art that he’d never seen before. He had missed the invitation to display it, had missed the opening of the new exhibit, had missed almost  _ three months _ of their lives together. 

And for what? To be no closer to stopping Helis from getting to him? To be so lonely that even the thought of being back inside the cage of prison sounded nice? 

All he had done by leaving was hurt them and hurt himself. If there was a way to fight back against Helis, he wanted to do it with them by his side. Nil didn’t want to be  _ alone  _ anymore - he needed the people by his side that had found him and loved him and given him the only life he wanted. He was done causing them pain and he was through with tormenting himself. 

He was going home. 

Backtracking, though it took him further away from the place he ached to be, would be faster. His bike was still at Atral and Elida’s and they would have been keeping it in good condition for him. Unable to walk in the face of his decision, Nil rushed through the side streets of downtown. Anticipation lit up his body like a live wire and every inch of him was ready to  _ move.  _

That adrenaline running through his veins was the only thing that saved him. The blow that was meant for his head was only a whistle by his ear as he ducked away from the dark blur. 

Spinning away from his attacker, Nil pulled his switchblade from his backpack before throwing the bag several feet away. Crouched with his back to the wall of the alley he had been passing through, he watched as a trio of men emerged from the shadows. 

“I’ve been looking for you, traitor.” 

The voice that echoed in his dreams shook him even more in person. Bigger than almost anyone Nil had known, taller and broader than even himself, Helis stood before him, larger than life. Flanking him were two of his favorites, Kestrels known for their brutality and willingness to do whatever Helis willed. 

Cornered in an alley, with darkness starting to descend and no one around who would listen to his screaming, Nil realized he was in for a very, very bad fight. 

Though he had never shot human prey with it, he found himself wishing very much for his bow. With the Voice of Our Teeth in his hands, he could have taken them all out before they even reached him. As it was, his little knife wasn’t going to do much against the bat that one of the thugs had almost taken him out with. 

Eyeing the bat he was currently smacking into his hand as he tried to intimidate Nil, he spoke sardonically to his old mentor. “I always figured you’d take your time with me, old man. A bat is far too quick a method.”

“Oh that was just a warning shot, boy. I’ll be killing you with my own hands, just as the sun wills it.” Helis spoke with the same mix of reverence and insanity that he always had, but the tinge of madness he’d always had was somehow  _ more  _ now. 

“I’m not a scared little boy like I used to be, Helis.” Taking a chance, Nil took his eyes off the two thugs to focus solely on the leader of the Kestrels. Helis was breathing hard, a manic grin stretching his lips and those cold grey eyes focused on him with murderous intent. Unable to stop himself, Nil said dryly, “You really did jump off the deep end, didn’t you?” 

“Get him,” Helis snarled. 

The two men flanking him moved in on Nil without a second of hesitation. Ducking to avoid the first swing of the bat, Nil swiped at the other to distract him from using the veritable sword he had pulled out. The two of them worked in tandem and it took everything Nil had just to dodge them at the beginning of their onslaught. 

Despite his time spent on the streets, with a diet that Avad was going to kill him over, Nil still had much of the strength and agility he was used to. He knew he was going to need it when this time came and he was glad of it now. It gave him the speed to dodge strike after strike, allowing him to narrow down on the little flaws in their fighting that gave him an advantage. 

Sending silent thanks to his lovely Aloy and her burning need to try every kind of martial art and for bringing him along, Nil lashed out with a vicious kick to the side of the bat wielder’s knee. With a sickening crunch and a strangled cry, he went down. 

The other man let out a snarl and launched himself at Nil, who only barely managed to keep his life. The machete sliced through his shirt at the shoulder and he could feel the blood pour down his arm, a wince the only outward sign of his pain that he let slip. Dancing back away from him, Nil led the Kestrel further away from Helis, keeping one eye on him constantly to make sure he wasn’t going to slip up behind him. The giant never made a move, arms crossed as he watched in silent judgement. The remaining foe stuck at Nil again and he managed to dodge under his arm, twisting around to swipe his knife across the back of the Kestrel’s hand. 

A strangled cry left the man as he dropped the machete. Before Nil could dart in to grab it, he picked it up with his uninjured hand. “You’re going to die for that, you little rat,” he growled before advancing, quick and sloppy. 

“Ah well, you know what they say about trapped rats,” he muttered. 

At the next strike, Nil pushed the other man’s arm up with a fast move, coming in close to slice the underside of his bicep. “We bite,” he said. The cut was deep, blood flowing out to match his own wound. With a scream, the man fell to his knees, both arms useless now. 

Backing away, Nil switched his focus to Helis. 

The Kestrel leader sneered at his men. “Useless. I suppose I’ll have to do this myself.”

Nil dove for the wounded man’s blade, but Helis got to him faster, striking him with a backhanded hit hard enough that Nil stumbled several feet away. Pain blazed through his cheek and jaw, but he rolled to avoid the kick Helis aimed at him. 

Rising to his feet, he tried to shake off the pain of his injuries. Though he had managed to avoid most of the last man’s blows, a handful of smaller cuts aided the big cut on his shoulder in sapping his energy. Helis moved with uncanny speed and, within a second, he was right up in Nil’s face once again. Lashing out, he punched Nil in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. 

Desperately, Nil sliced at him, opening up a cut on his cheek that did little more than make him grunt. He could feel his movements slowing, the loss of blood catching up to him as quickly as his heart pumped it through him. His weakness didn’t escape Helis and the Kestrel leader closed in, hitting Nil with punch after punch, each aimed to make him hurt but not to incapacitate him. 

Helis wanted to drag this on, wanted Nil to fight him until he couldn’t move anymore. The sadistic smile he wore was more than enough proof for Nil to know he was just toying with him at this point. 

If he kept going as he was, all it was going to do was tire him out. He needed to end this. 

Nil knew that if he closed in now and failed, it was over for him. Wanting his last thoughts to be of the best thing he’d ever had, he thought of Aloy and the smile she wore when he surprised her with a gift. He thought of Avad and the way his eyes lit up when he was talking about something he loved. He thought of the ones he loved and he struck. 

Helis had overreached, leaving his side open as Nil slid close. Reaching up, it was almost an easy thing to slice the sharp edge of his knife across Helis’s throat. 

Grey eyes going wide, Helis grabbed at his throat as he fell to the ground. Crimson poured out around his fingers, too fast to mean anything other than that Nil had nicked his artery. 

Kneeling beside him, Nil felt his knife drop from his numb fingers. He watched as the life bled from Helis, as he mouthed something that Nil had to lean close to hear. With his death, this man was making Nil the killer he had wanted him to be so many years ago. Nil couldn’t find it in himself to regret that, but he leaned in to hear his last words anyway. 

“-taking you...me-” 

The words were garbled as blood bubbled up and out of his lips, but they became clear as a sharp pain slid into Nil’s stomach. Looking down, he saw his own knife in Helis’s hand. His enemy’s blood mingled with his own as Helis’s hand went limp, the blade slicing even more as it slid out of him. 

In horror, Nil looked to find Helis’s eyes fading to a cloudy, dull grey. Hand pressed to the wound in his gut, Nil felt himself fall. Collapsed beside Helis, the only thing echoing through him were those words. 

_ I’m taking you with me.  _

But even as Helis tried to steal his last thoughts, the final thing Nil heard was Aloy’s voice, calling his name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slowly discarded were the remains of his lonely youth  
> Among the alley where the dwellers scare to notice  
> Picture a young boy in pieces and streets with leveled malfunctions  
> No name to be called redeemer  
> We'll fix him restore him...with the love is no other  
> Think of all the things you did before  
> Write them in a letter that says reborn
> 
> (Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow), Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> So uh yeah. Yell at me in the comments I guess? or on tumblr @mythicaitt
> 
> P.S. Elida and Atral are my FAVES and I love them


	9. You’re the Answer to Their Prayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kadaman wants to do everything he can to help his family - and he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure they’re happy again. 
> 
> Chapter title this time is from Cuts Marked in the March of Men by Coheed and Cambria!
> 
> Tags: angst, blood, violence, death (carryover tags from the last chapter - no new violence)

Teb was tracing idle shapes on his skin as Kadaman caught his breath, the former sprawled over his chest. Despite the somber nature of his visit, the two had been more than eager to see each other and Teb had invited him to stay at his house for the duration of their search. Which led from one thing to another until they were entangled together in Teb’s bed. 

Their flirtation the weekend they met for Avad’s graduation had solidified into something undeniably real over past months. Texts and phone calls and video dates had drawn them closer as Kadaman found himself falling desperately for this man. Thankfully, Teb was an open book and he knew that he felt the same. 

He was far enough gone that he had no qualms telling Teb that he had been much of the reason he was so ready to fly in. 

Running his hand over Teb’s back, Kadi ducked his chin to kiss his forehead. “What are you thinking about?” 

Teb hummed quietly but he didn’t answer. 

Ruthlessly, Kadi pinched his waist. With a satisfying yelp, Teb smack his chest with a glare. “What was that for?”

“For not talking to me, oh great therapist,” Kadi replied, his tone only a little mocking. 

With a disgusted noise, Teb let his forehead drop onto Kadi’s chest. He didn’t say anything for a couple minutes, but Kadi knew he’d gotten his point across, so he stroked his lover’s back as he waited. 

“Do you think we’ll find him?” came the quiet question. 

Sighing, Kadi shifted to drag Teb further into his arms. “I’m not sure, sweetheart. Nil’s crafty and he’s smarter than he lets people think, so it might be up to him. I hope we do.”

“I’m worried about him.”

“We all are.”

Teb shifted up onto his elbows so he could look at him. “He’s gone through so much in his life - I don’t even know if he’s told Aloy and Avad all of it. I thought he was getting better at letting them in, but then he goes and does  _ this.” _ Pushing off of Kadi and onto his back, he sighed. “Runs off without a thought as to how that’ll fuck any of them up. I can only imagine how far this is going to set him back.” 

Kadi stayed quiet, letting his - boyfriend? The thought made his heart pound faster - letting Teb talk through his worries. Even with all his concerns, he still never breached any of the confidentiality Nil had confided in him with, something that only made Kadi more fond of him. Even if Nil wasn’t his friend, if he wasn’t his little brother’s partner, he would find him for Teb’s sake alone. 

When Teb had talked himself out, Kadi got them both tucked in for sleep. They were in for a long search and they’d need the rest. 

***

When morning came, Teb went to work and Kadaman got on his computer. 

Teb and some of the others wouldn’t be able to take off work for this search, but they’d be using what time they could to make phone calls and touching base with their own networks. As for Kadaman, he was contacting every single one of his connections in the city, both above board and under. And he was leaning on his father’s too. Even though his father ran their company out of England, he had plenty of contacts all over the world and Kadaman had been working his ass off for years to rival him in every way. 

He kept in contact with the others constantly; each night he would either go out physically looking for Nil with Teb or they would meet with Vanasha and the others to go over what they had found. Slowly - so, so slowly - they began to form a picture of where Nil had been. 

The first step had been withdrawing some money from an ATM close to their apartment, enough to maybe get by for a bit but nowhere near enough to stay in motels this whole time. From there, Nil barely left any kind of electronic trail they could follow. His video check-in on SpearShafts had been the last time he had logged onto any kind of social media or other account. His phone was entirely turned off as far as they could tell from their inability to track it at all. No credit card transactions, no sign of his name on any kind of search they could think of doing. He’d ghosted them with an efficiency Kadi could almost envy. 

From that point on, Uthid and Janeva managed to give them the best leads. Footwork became their best method as they combed the homeless shelters and soup kitchens, talking to the workers and the homeless alike. They flashed Nil’s picture, asking after both a Nil and a Sahad. At this point, they figured there wasn’t any harm in spreading his name around. Aloy had been rather terrifying when she’d spat that if Helis tried to come after any of them, then it meant he wasn’t going after Nil instead and she would be glad of it. 

They spread out from their home, slowly finding people who had seen or talked to him, allowing them to trace his steps over the weeks. Nil had made his way through the city, slow enough that there were usually a few people who could help point them the right direction, staying well away from all his usual haunts. A few days after they had started the search in earnest, they had tracked him to where he had been a week or so past. 

From there, it was relatively easy to find where he had gone next. 

Aloy had started tagging along with Kadaman and Teb, her worry increasing by the day even as her intense focus helped them find his trail. When their trail led to a certain Italian restaurant and then into one of the alleys nearby, her hands trembled as they entered the ramshackle building Nil had been staying in. 

“Right here,” she muttered. “Right damn here.”

Teb rested his hand on her shoulder for a moment before going to talk to some of the people currently squatting in the next room. Minutely aware of the anger building under Aloy’s skin, Kadi stayed close. Leaning against the dirty wall by the doorway, he said, “Go ahead. Let it all out.” 

That was all the prompting she needed. “I’m so fucking angry at him! He probably listened to us out there; I was calling for him and he would have heard-” 

Aloy broke off, dashing away the furious tears that had formed. With a strangled scream of frustration, she strode right back out of the building. Catching Teb’s eye, Kadi nodded at her and he gave him a small smile. He followed her out, only to watch her pace and listen to her little mutterings. Ironically, he realized that half his job here was being everyone else’s therapist. 

When Teb joined them, they learned Nil had left this hideout early and fast. No one had known him well enough to know why - whether it was because of Aloy and Avad or Helis - so they followed the path onward. After that, it got harder. Nil seemed to move from place to place within hours of getting to each new spot. 

It made sense when they realized that they weren’t the only one combing the crowds for him. Kadaman recognized the gang members for what they were and his attention made Aloy look again. Thankfully Avad had been with them - he was the only one who would have been able to keep Aloy from confronting them then and there. 

As good as they were, and as many of them as they had searching for him now, the trail ran cold. 

Almost a week after Kadaman had flown in, they were running out of ideas. No one that they had found had seen Nil in the last day. They were so close he could practically taste it but here he was instead, searching their apartment for any hint Nil might have left behind for somewhere he would go. 

Avad was with him and they worked in tandem, his brother pulling out Nil’s things as he sifted through them. As they worked, Kadi kept one eye on him. 

“How are you holding up, little brother?”

Shrugging, Avad sat next to him on the ground. Ever so gently, he ran his hands over a journal Nil had left behind. “As well as could be expected, I guess.” He gave Kadi a weak smile. “Just hoping I get a call saying they found him. I really don’t want to go through this.” 

With a crooked grin, Kadi said, “His diary?”

“In a way. He writes his poetry in here.” 

“That’ll help us?”

Avad gave him a wan smile. “Probably not, but I’m willing to try anything right now.”

When he lifted the journal to set it on top of the bed, a little piece of paper fluttered loose. Picking it up, Kadi found a name and address scribbled on it in Nil’s unmistaken scrawl. “Avad, do you know who Atral is?”

Eyes wide, his brother snatched the paper out of his hand. “Atral was one of his friends when he was younger. He became a Kestrel with him.” 

“He might have seen him recently,” Kadaman breathed. 

“I don’t know. He hadn’t been talking to him as far as I know.” 

Stealing the paper back, Kadi took another look at the address. “Aloy is searching closest to here tonight. I’ll call her.” 

Avad stood alongside him. “I’m coming with you.”

“No,” Kadi said as he pulled on his coat, “I need you to let everyone else know that we might have found something and to stand by.”

He saw Avad stiffen but he caved with one look from his brother. “Okay. I can do that. Kadi-”

Halfway out the door, he stopped to look back. “I’ll bring him back, Avad. I promised you once that I’d never let you down and I’m not starting now.”

Before he could leave, Avad dragged him into a tight hug. Kadi returned it for a moment, before flashing a bright grin and leaving to follow their new lead. 

On his way out to his rental car, he called Aloy. 

“We have an address for an Atral that Nil used to know - want to check it out with me?”

“Yes! Give me the address.” 

Kadaman let out an amused snort. “Not likely. You’ll go without me.”

“Kadi,” she growled and it might have been menacing if he were a lesser man. 

“Where are you? I’ll pick you up.” 

When his stubbornness outlasted hers - when she realized he really  _ would  _ make her wait and arguing would take longer - she told him where she was and he swung by to get her. When she stole the paper off his dashboard, she scanned it quick and turned to glare at him. 

“I was only a few minutes away.”

He just smiled, turning down the next road. 

“Kadaman Ranan Surya-”

“Oh don’t call me by my full name, Aloy. You’d go off half-cocked and that might not get us the information we need.” Kadi kept his voice calm and cool, needing her to see the wisdom in his words. 

She was quiet for the rest of the drive, only speaking when he parked in front of the house they were looking for. When he went to unbuckle, she put her hand on his arm. 

“Thank you, Kadi.”

His face softened. “You’re welcome, little sister.” 

When they strode up to the front door, he watched as Aloy straightened her shoulders, swallowing down her nerves. For as mature as she always acted, at that moment she looked just as young as her twenty-four years. Taking pity on her nerves, Kadi was the one who knocked. 

The lights were on, so they knew someone was home, and it only took a few moments before they heard the lock being undone. A man about Nil’s age opened the door, tattoos swirling down his arms and dark eyes shining with a mix of concern and caution. 

“Can I help you?”

Before he could say anything, Aloy blurted, “Are you Atral?”

Wariness stole over the man’s face for a few moments as he scanned them again, this time as a threat, Kadi thought. “Who are you?”

“I’m Aloy,” she said, desperation tugging at her voice. “Sahad’s fiancée.”

All at once, Atral’s expression changed. Surprise followed by wistfulness raced across his face before he smiled at her. “He didn’t say you were engaged.”

Aloy let out a choked sob. “You saw him? He was here?”

Shaking his head, Atral held the door open wider, motioning them to come in. Kadi followed her in as he answered her. 

“He came by a couple months ago.” At Aloy’s crestfallen look, he continued, “He had just left home I think.”

Aloy bit her lip, looking away even as her fists clenched. 

Kadi took over. “Did he tell you anything about what he was going to do?” 

Sitting down at the kitchen table, Atral sighed. “I don’t think he had a plan, to be honest. Are you Avad then?”

“His older brother, Kadaman.” Shaking hands with him, Kadi sat down, leaving Aloy to hover at his shoulder, wringing her hands. “I’m helping them look for him.”

“Do you know how to get ahold of him?” Aloy asked anxiously. 

Atral hesitated, the pause before his words stretching out for too long. Before he even opened his mouth, Kadaman knew he would be lying. Lucky for him, the arrival of someone else interrupted whatever falsehood he was about to spout. 

“Who’s this?” The musical voice sounded from the stairs and a pretty woman made her way in to lay her hand on Atral’s shoulder.

Aloy looked to her instead. “You must be Elida.” 

“This is Aloy,” Atral said quietly, “Sahad’s fiancée.”

Elida’s eyes flew to Aloy. “You’re engaged,” she whispered. “Oh, you must be so worried-” 

“Please,” Aloy interrupted. “Please, you have to help us find him. I feel like I’m only going to come alive again when I’m with him.” Kadi’s heart broke at her words and he saw the similar effect they had on Elida.  _ “Please _ help me.” 

Instead of answering her, Elida smacked Atral on the shoulder. “Were you refusing to help them?” 

Looking guilty and more than a little chastened, Atral avoided her gaze. “He didn’t want to be found.” 

“You and I know better than anyone that he’s going to need the people who love him to help him get out of this mess.” With that firm statement, Elida turned to go into the kitchen, coming back with another scrap of paper. “Here. This was the contact he gave us. Abas works at one of the local shelters, advocating for some of the people who come through. Sahad told us to go through him if we ever needed to get in touch with him.” 

When she took the paper, Aloy held on to the other woman’s hand, squeezing tight as a tear escaped down her face. “Thank you.” 

Elida tugged her into a hug. “Tell him I expect him to bring you and Avad around as soon as he’s back home, okay?” 

Aloy nodded against her shoulder before pulling away. “I will. Thank you again, but I need to-”

“Go, go,” Elida said, shooing them towards the door. 

When Kadi turned back to thank them himself, he saw Elida lean against Atral’s shoulder and heard the former Kestrel’s quiet parting words. 

“Good luck.” 

With a nod, Kadi left. Throwing himself into the driver’s seat, he pulled up his GPS. “Where to?”

Aloy rattled off the name of the shelter and he drove as fast as he could without getting pulled over. Which was good since he wasn’t sure if his driver’s license would be accepted in the US. In the meantime, Aloy tried calling Abas with no luck. 

Thankfully, they had an easier time when they got to the shelter. The second person they asked pointed him out, tending to a little girl who looked like she was in need of a tissue and some cold medicine. They waited, Aloy fidgeting beside him, until Abas was done talking to the girl before speaking. 

“We’re looking for Sahad,” Aloy rushed to say without preamble. Kadi would’ve been more exasperated with her if it weren’t for the fact that he knew hope was the only thing driving her right now. He would step in if he was needed, but for now he let her have the control that she needed. “We were told that you knew where to find him.”

Abas looked them both up and down, probably catching that they were neither homeless nor Kestrels. “He told me not to tell anyone about him. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you.” 

Slamming her hands down on the table, Aloy demanded, “You will tell us how to find him. How to contact him and anything else you know. He’s in danger and he’ll die alone if we don’t help him.” 

The man in front of them jumped and Kadi watched as he started to close himself off, his jaw tightening. Reaching out, he caught Aloy’s arm, tugging her back a little from the table as he shifted himself between them. “We’re his family. We know what kind of danger he’s in and we’d like to make sure he’s safe. You would do anything for your family, wouldn’t you?”

He was taking a chance based on Abas’s kind disposition towards a little girl that he had seen for a grand total of two seconds, but his guess paid off. Abas sighed, shoulders sagging a little as if under a great weight. 

“I don’t know where he’s staying right now, but I saw him run by about half an hour ago.” 

“Where?” Aloy asked sharply. “Where was he running to? Was he being chased?”

Abas shook his head. “Not that I saw. He was headed east and he looked… happy. I didn’t see more than a glimpse of him but I thought he was smiling.”

Beside him, Aloy made a pained noise. Thanking him, Kadi grabbed her hand and strode out of the shelter. Neither spoke as they got in their car and headed back the way they had come. Pressing his phone into her hands, he said, “Call Vanasha, she’ll be here the fastest.” 

She did, relaying what had happened and where they were going to her as Kadi scanned the streets for any sign of their quarry. When she hung up, he heard her muttering little curses to herself. 

“What’s wrong, Aloy?”

“We just came this way. We probably just missed him, we could have-”

“We’ll be there soon. Roll down your window and call out for him as we go.”

Abas had just given them a direction, so Kadi was driving somewhat aimlessly. Trying to figure out how far Nil could run in thirty minutes and where he was heading was an exercise in futility. It was pure luck that they heard Nil’s voice when they passed by one of the many alleys in this part of town. 

Not even his voice - just a vicious cry. 

Aloy had her door open before he even finished braking. Throwing the car in park, uncaring that he was only half in a parking lane, Kadi followed fast on her heels. The alley was fraught with shadows in the fading sunset, but they both saw the scene before them clearly enough when they rounded the corner. 

A giant of a man, splayed out on the ground with a collar of bright red around his neck. And a knife in his hand, the other end sliding into a familiar and painfully dear figure. 

_ “Sahad!” _

Aloy’s cry ripped from her lungs as if by force, Kadi’s close behind it. They sprinted for him, his long legs eating up the ground quicker. When he got there, Kadi kicked the knife out of the prone man’s limp hand, readying a kick for him if he was still ready to fight. But when the only thing he saw was glassy, unseeing grey eyes, he crouched down swiftly. 

Already there on her knees beside Nil, Aloy was pressing her hands down over a bloody wound in his side. Covered in his blood already, her hands trembled. Kadi could hear her mumbles, just barely - a litany of begging interspersed with threats for what she would do to him if he died on her. Panic shone in her bright eyes, tears spilling endlessly down her cheeks.

Placing his hands on her shoulders, Kadaman shook her slightly, just hard enough to make her look at him. “Aloy. Concentrate. We need that big brain of yours to save him.”

Swallowing hard, Aloy jerked a quick nod. Her hands steadied, sheer force of will coalescing in her as she stripped off her jacket. Folding it up, she pressed it against his wound hard. As she did, Kadaman heard a noise behind him and whirled around. 

At first he thought it had just been one of the two men on the ground, writhing in pain from wounds both seen and unseen. But as he kept looking, he saw a shadow separate from the wall. Vanasha stalked into the dim light of the alley, her sharp gaze taking in the scene. 

“Looks like you will need my help after all,” she said dryly. 

“Call Huadiv,” Kadaman commanded. “I’ll take care of Nil.”

Vanasha nodded, her phone already in hand to call her local cleanup guy. Pulling out his own, Kadaman found a number he hated to use. Unfortunately, he knew he didn’t have a choice right now. It almost rang out but a grouchy voice finally answered. “Who is this and what do you want?”

“It’s Kadaman Surya and you’re going to drive to the location I give you right now or I will sell you out to every shady gangbanger looking for you within the hour.”

Silence greeted him before the old man grunted. “That’s a hell of a greeting. Not giving me much of a choice are you?”

“Ghaliv…”

“Yeah, yeah, send me the location.” 

Hanging up, Kadi knelt by Aloy and Nil once again. “I’ve got help coming, Aloy. He’ll be here soon.”

“Why aren’t we calling an ambulance? The police?” she asked distractedly, most of her concentration still solely focused on the man barely stirring beneath her touch. 

Covering her hands with his own, Kadi helped her put more pressure on the wound. The blood still sluggishly escaping worried him so he spared only a glance up to meet her eyes. “A cop would take one look at this scene and lock Nil away forever, Aloy. I’m not letting that happen.”

“But if he d-dies-”

“He’s not going to, I promise you. The doctor I called will get here faster than an ambulance anyway; he knows what I’ll do to him if he doesn’t.”

Aloy didn’t say anything, just rubbed her nose against her shoulder as she adjusted her stance. The shift must have jolted Nil because he let out a pained groan. Her head jerked up, eyes searching his face as he grimaced in pain. 

“Sahad, sweetheart, I’m here. You’re going to be okay.” 

His eyes didn’t open, but his head fell to the side as if seeking out her voice.  “Aloy..?” 

“I’m here,” she whispered. “I’m right here.”

His voice grew quieter, regret burning through his words. “I was… coming back to you…”

Kadi’s heart dropped to his stomach when Nil’s head sagged, leaving him lying there just as limp and cold as the body next to him. 

“No, no, no, no. no. Nil, stay with me. Wake up, Sahad,  _ please,” _ Aloy cried. 

Though he was not a religious man by any means, as he sat there with Aloy watching his friend’s blood soak through her jacket and onto his hands, Kadaman prayed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inside this door all answers wait  
> So saddle up my steed  
> Where the lies live way beneath
> 
> Oh my, I think I’ve made a mess  
> This is all my fault it’s what I’ve wished
> 
> And I was wrong to let you go  
> I accept my mistake, but you will never know  
> This is my love into a ten ton truck  
> Baby, please remember the better me
> 
> (Gravity’s Union, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> I’d say I hate to leave you in the same spot as the cliffhanger on the last chapter…...but here we are……..yell at me in the comments or on tumblr @mythicaitt lmao


	10. Bring Me Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Nil wakes, it’s to find the ones he always wanted by his side. 
> 
> Chapter title here is from 2’s My Favorite 1 by Coheed and Cambria!
> 
> Tags: hospital, v light angst, hurt/comfort, fluffffff

The first thing Nil was aware of when he woke up was bright, unending light. The kind of light that made him squeeze his eyes shut again. 

As he let his eyes rest, he became aware of the space he was in. A faint beeping that sped up just the barest amount and the overwhelming smell of antiseptic. Despite himself, Nil shuddered. He’d never liked hospitals. Too many memories of being dragged in after his father hit him too hard and then later the cold similarity to the order in jail. 

When he felt brave enough to try again, Nil opened his eyes little by little. The light didn’t blind him this time, though his vision went hazy when he saw who was with him. 

Sitting in chairs pulled close enough that they brushed the side of his bed, the two people he wanted to see most in the world were fast asleep. Avad had his head propped up on one hand, mouth hanging open slightly as he slept. His other hand had hold of Nil’s own, warm and firm and the best thing Nil had felt in months. Closer to his head, Aloy was curled up in her chair, legs slung over the arm and the edge of his own blanket draped over her lap. Dark circles ringed their eyes and their clothes were rumpled, as if they’d spent more than one night sleeping in those chairs. 

This time when he closed his eyes, it was against the tears that fell. After so long alone and afraid, they were here. His hand tightened on Avad’s as the last bits of his memory fell into place and he remembered Helis plunging his knife into his stomach. Brushing his fingers over his stomach, he felt only gauze and fuzziness. 

He felt the hand in his shift, fingers squeezing tight. “Sahad?” The blurriness of sleep fled Avad’s voice. “Aloy, he’s awake!”

Unable to face them, Nil pressed his hand to his eyes, trying in vain to stem his tears. It tugged at the tube inserted into the back of his hand but he didn’t care, relished the bit of uncomfortable pain. All at once, their hands were on him; Avad’s pulling his hand away so that he held both and Aloy’s wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“Sahad,” she whispered, a moment before her lips were on his. 

Nil felt like that was the first time he truly  _ breathed  _ since he left them. The soft, sweet way she kissed him felt like a dream and a part of him was deeply terrified that it was. Either way, he returned it with all he had. Which wasn’t much at the moment, he realized as pain lanced through him when he tried to rise to meet her. 

At his pained groan, Aloy pulled back, fear in her eyes. “Are you okay? Is it your stomach?”

Before he could answer, a nurse was already at the door, the wildly beeping machines having alerted her. At her pointed look, Aloy reluctantly slid back. Nil kept a tight grip on one of Avad’s hands as she looked over his wound. Glancing down as she peeled away the bandage, he saw a vicious little slice pierced through with a neat line of stitches. 

“You’re lucky it wasn’t a direct wound to any vital organs,” the nurse chided.

Giving her the best grin he could summon, Nil drawled, “I wasn’t exactly looking to get stabbed.” 

She harrumphed. “No I don’t suppose you get a choice in being mugged. Well, now that you’re awake, you should be on the mend. I’ll send the doctor in to talk to you when he does his next set of rounds.” 

Patching him back up with brisk efficiency, the nurse left them alone again. 

Turning to them, he asked, “A mugging?”

Avad shrugged, a tired smile lighting up his face. “Kadaman’s idea. It was the best way to explain your injuries.” 

“Is that why I’m not in handcuffs?” The last of his grogginess faded the more he spoke. 

“Yes. Kadaman helped… well I’m not sure I quite  _ want  _ to know how all he helped, but he did.” 

At the choked note in his voice, Nil looked up to meet his gaze, amber brown eyes bright with unshed tears. Just as Aloy had done, he leaned in close to kiss him. Nil’s eyes fluttered closed but the kiss was all too brief as Avad pulled back, pulling his hand up to kiss his knuckles before resting his forehead against it. 

“Why?” Aloy asked, her voice cracking. Looking to her, Nil panicked as he found her face wet with tears. “Why did you leave us?” 

Frantic pain constricted his heart. “Helis- I didn’t want-” She let out an exasperated sigh that sounded half like a sob. The sight of her wrecked like that wasn’t something he had ever seen and he knew that he had been so entirely stupid. “I couldn’t let you get hurt because of me, but-” he swallowed hard, “I ended up hurting you myself, didn’t I? I’m sorry, sweetheart. I am so, so sorry, more than I have ever been in my life and I would give anything to make it up to you. Anything to make you both happy again. I was already on my way home to you when Helis found me.” 

The mistakes he made, out of fear and cowardice, weighed on him heavily. Aloy sniffed loudly, the wounded look on her face scrunching her brow together so tightly he wanted nothing more than to reach out and soothe her pain with his hands and lips. He didn’t know what else to say, apologies dying on his tongue as he waited. 

As if all the energy in her drained out, Aloy collapsed against his bed. Letting her forehead fall to his shoulder, she laughed through the tears. “You’re so stupid.”

“I can’t deny that,” he said softly, his free hand rising to cup her head as she cried. 

Utterly lost in the face of her tears, he looked up to meet Avad’s eyes. To his surprise, he found more than a little anger simmering in his normally calm expression. 

“Tell us what happened,” he commanded sternly. 

Floundering between the two of them, Nil told them everything. From the second he saw the open door of their second apartment to that final battle with Helis. He tried to skim through the panic attacks and the moment he’d seen them a week before, but Aloy’s fierce glare when she sat back up to scrub at her eyes and Avad’s probing questions wouldn’t let him. Instead, he gave them everything. 

In the middle of his story, his doctor came in and shooed them out. Watching them leave made his heart race and most of the doctor’s words as he examined him blurred together until he couldn’t remember anything he said. The tightness in his chest only receded when they came back in - and he saw an answering relief in their eyes as well. 

When he got to that final night, when Helis cornered him in the alley, they grew tense as bowstrings. “I was reckless; I should have known Helis would have enough malice left in him to strike. Even in death, he was a vicious bastard.” Smiling faintly at Aloy, he said, “I heard your voice though. I thought it was going to be the last thing I heard.” 

“That’s because I was there, Nil,” she said with no small amount of exasperation. “I saw-” Her voice wavered and Nil and Avad both reached out to comfort her. 

“You saw me kill him?” he asked quietly, horror shaking him to his core. The thing he’d never wanted to become and  _ she  _ had seen him become it. 

“No, but I saw him stab you,” she whispered. “I was trying so hard to stop the bleeding and I was so scared you were going to die under my hands.” 

“Oh, sweetheart.” Nil dragged her into his arms as much as he could while still all tangled up. She was shaking ever so slightly as she tucked her head under his chin and melted against him. “My little huntress.” 

She curled into him a little more at the sound of her nickname and calling her that eased a little more of the weight he was carrying. 

“It’s over now, don’t worry. I’m okay - or I think I am at any rate. All those big words the good doctor was spouting went right over my head.” 

Aloy laughed a little, but Avad’s face drew tight with worry.  _ “Is _ it over? Will they still come after you now that you’ve killed Helis?”

Wincing, Nil thought for a moment. “No,” he said slowly, “I don’t think they will. With Helis gone, they’ll most likely descend into chaos for a while until someone new fights their way to the top. If it’s anything like when I was a Kestrel, most of them were probably terrified of Helis - they’re more likely to thank me than come after me.” 

Some of the tension seeped out of Avad’s stiff shoulders. Still sensing that unfamiliar anger lingering in him, knowing he deserved it but desperate to ease the issues he caused, Nil said quietly, “Go ahead and say it, Avad.”

Avad looked at him in surprise. “What?”

“Whatever you need to say to me, just say it. I deserve any anger you bear me and if yelling at me or cursing me will help, please do it. You don’t need to hold back.” 

He watched as Avad’s jaw clenched and unclenched, matching the way he gripped the arms of his chair. Finally, when Aloy pushed off of Nil’s chest to look at him in concern, he spoke. 

“Do you know what leaving did to us, Sahad? We didn’t know where you went or why or if you were coming back and that tore us to pieces.” With every word, his calm tone disappeared a little more. Anger and fear and worry blended into a fierce tone that Nil had never heard before. “Aloy has abandonment issues and you  _ knew  _ that; can you imagine how hard this was for her? She pushed me away and I didn’t know how to help her. And I- all I had to cling to was the vain hope that you would come home someday.”

Nil flinched, the words burrowing into his soul as he felt a fresh wave of tears hit him. 

Ducking her head, Aloy tugged on Avad’s sleeve. “Avad, you don’t need to-”

“No, Aloy. If we’re going to move on from here, he needs to know what his decision did to us.” He looked back to Nil, eyes blazing with intensity. “You  _ broke  _ us. You have to know that if you want any chance of being there to put us all back together.” 

Panic clawed at his throat. His eyes were locked on Avad, but he saw Aloy recoil.  _ “If?” _ she whispered. 

The tension in him seemed to desert Avad just as fast as it had built. He looked to Nil. “That’s up to you. You were the one who left us - do you  _ want  _ to come home?”

“Yes,” he said immediately.  _ “Yes. _ I know I fucked up, but I will do anything and everything it takes to be with you. Please believe me, the only reason I left is because I thought it would protect you. I would never leave you for any other reason. I still-” He stumbled over his words. “I still love you both so much it hurts. Being away from you was agony and I will never leave you again, for as long as I live, I promise you that.”

By then, all three of them were crying. “Good,” Avad said with a kind of finality and Nil’s heart jumped into his throat.

“Does that mean- Do you still want me to come home?” 

“Yes,” both of his loves said in tandem. Before he had time to do more than smile with ragged relief, they were on top of him. Sliding onto the bed beside him, Aloy wrapped her arms around him - so tight and yet still so careful of his wound. Avad had to lean over her, but he pressed fierce kiss after kiss to his lips. 

Pulling back, Avad kept his face in his hands, thumbs brushing away his tears. “One last thing I need to ask of you right now, my love.”

Nil could have shouted with joy to be called that again. “Anything, pretty boy.”

“Say you’ll marry us again.”

For all those weeks spent alone in the cold, Nil had started to doubt whether he would ever be happy again. But here with them, even in a hospital bed, Nil found hope again. He would do whatever he needed to get back to where they had been - to make sure their relationship and their love for each other was even stronger than before. So he could say, without any hesitation or fear, “It would be my honor. Yes, now and always, I will marry you.” 

When Avad kissed him again, Nil didn’t know if the tears he tasted were his own or his fiancé’s and he didn’t care. He felt Aloy twist where she was between them, but he didn’t realize what for until she tugged Avad back, breaking their embrace. His ring flashed in her hand for just a moment before she took his hand and slid it back into place. 

Nil hadn’t known quite how much he had missed having his ring on until it was back where it belonged. Choking on a cry, he pulled Aloy in for a rough kiss. 

None of them seemed to be able to pull away, touch the most solid way to reassure each other that they were here, they were together, they were whole again. Even the pain that tweaked him as he shifted to make room on the bed for them only served to remind Nil that this was  _ real.  _

He was going home. 

***

Nil’s stitches only pulled a little as he got out of Avad’s car in an achingly familiar parking lot. Despite the wince at the pull on his wound, Nil stretched his arms carefully up, letting his body loosen in the cold air. Within a heartbeat, Aloy was there, taking advantage of his movement to wrap her arm around his waist. 

He didn’t need help walking and she was very careful of where she put her hand, but Nil couldn’t help the fond grin as he looked down at her very concerned and concentrated expression. Those sharp eyes of hers had caught every moment of discomfort that he didn’t speak aloud and she’d been even more stubborn than his nurses had been about making him pace himself. 

Curling his arm around her shoulders, Nil dragged his fiancée close so he could drop a kiss on her forehead. “Care to be my crutch during this long walk?” he asked teasingly. 

With a sullen glare up at him, Aloy said, “Make all the jokes you want, but I’m making sure you heal properly.” 

Biting back another grin, Nil just solemnly nodded. As they made their way to the building joined at the hip, he met Avad’s gaze, a spark of humor lighting up those pretty brown eyes. Nil winked at him but Avad just rolled his eyes before holding open the front door. 

Steady warmth blew out of the building as they entered, turning down a perfunctorily barren hallway as they left the winter chill behind. In only a few steps, they reached their destination. Avad was there with the key and in seconds, Nil breathed in the scent of home. 

Almost everything was the same as when he’d left. Piles of metal and wire still scattered over Aloy’s desk, the couch piled with pillows and blankets, and the warm sunlight pouring through the clear windows. When they reached the middle of the living room, Nil stopped. Tugging on his arm, Aloy tried to pull him to the bedroom but he didn’t move.

“Just give me a moment, little huntress,” he murmured. 

A knowing look softened her face and she pressed a kiss to his shoulder as she held his hand and waited for him to adjust. Before he could do more than appreciate just the feeling of being home, there was a little yowl and a black streak came running towards him. 

Without thinking, Nil caught her as the little bundle of fur launched up at him. As he stood with the squirming cat in hand, he crooned little reassurances to her. 

“Nil, you’re not supposed to-”

“She’s ten pounds, sweetheart, not a heavy load,” he said soothingly. Artemis twisted around until she could climb his chest, shoving her face against his neck and jaw as she purred loud enough he almost couldn’t hear Aloy muttering beside him about his carelessness with his own body. 

Despite her worries, Nil made sure their cat’s paws were far away from his wound. He’d had specific instructions from his doctor on what to do and what not to do and he was pretty sure having his wound reopened via kitty claws was not among his approved list. He was lucky enough as it was, he didn’t want to push it  _ that  _ far. 

When he’d woken up a week ago, groggy from the meds and more concerned about his emotional state than his physical one, he hadn’t processed what the doctor had said to him. The next time he had come around, he’d told Nil that the knife had managed to just barely nick one of his kidneys. Thankfully, it had been extremely minor and there had been no damage to any of his other organs. Overall, he’d been incredibly lucky, he’d said. 

With that in mind, the hospital had kept him for a week, waiting for his wound to heal a bit more and looking out for any complications with his kidney or an infection. When neither happened, they had given him leave to come home - with strict instructions to come back in another week to get his stitches out and to visit his primary doctor if any issues arose. 

Avad and Aloy had both been extremely attentive to their instructions. They wrote down everything, picked up his meds, and let him know that he wouldn’t be breaking any of the doctor’s rules. After spending so long apart and on the run, Nil basked in their attention. He’d even made a joke about getting injured more often if it got him pampered like this but that was met with stony glares and a lecture about his recklessness. 

Burying his face in Artemis’s dark fur, Nil cleared out the last of the crisp scent of the hospital from his lungs. “There’s my sweet girl,” he sighed. “I missed you, little one.” 

As if in answer, she licked his cheek with her scratchy tongue, making Nil laugh.

“She missed you, too, you know,” Avad said as he leaned against the wall separating them from the kitchen. “We were afraid she might start developing some separation anxiety.” 

Nil’s heart ached. “Another one I need to make amends to, then,” he said softly. “I’m sorry, Artemis. I won’t be leaving like that ever again, okay?” 

With one last wriggle, Artemis demanded to be let down, only to weave between his legs. Aloy reclaimed his hand and led him back to the bedroom, nudging him until he sat on the edge of the bed. Sinking down into the soft mattress, Nil groaned sinfully. “Oh, I missed this bed.”

Wearing a little smile, Aloy stood between his legs to tug at his shirt. “Arms up.” 

Following her command, he did as he was told and let her strip his shirt off. When it was gone, he settled his hands on her hips, drawing her closer for a soft kiss. Unable to help himself, he kissed her again as she leaned into him. 

After only a moment, she pushed back. He was pouting before she even started saying, “None of that, Nil. The doctor said you’re not allowed to do any strenuous activity for at least a month.” 

Giving her a wicked grin, Nil said, “What if I let you do all the work?” 

Aloy rolled her eyes, a fond expression he was getting quite a lot recently. Some of the aches and pains of their separation still cropped up and Nil knew he still had a long way to go before they regained the trust from before he left, but every bit of affection they gave him was treasured beyond measure. He didn’t plan on taking any of that for granted, not when he’d come so close to losing it.

Ignoring his teasing, Aloy was focused on his bandage. The injury to his stomach had been stitched up and covered, the medical tape adhering to his skin tightly. No blood had seeped through, a good sign since he’d moved more in the past half hour than in the week before. Bright green-gold eyes flashed up to meet his. “You up for a shower?” 

“Fuck yes,” he said vehemently. The sponge baths at the hospital had been adequate but it had been months since he’d had any kind of real bathing and he was more than ready. 

Aloy peeled the bandage away, revealing the neat little black threads that spanned less than two inches of his stomach. No redness showed in the edges of the wound and, satisfied, she stood back up. Coming up behind her, Avad kissed her cheek. “I can take care of him if you want to put everything away?”

Leaving them to it, she went to sort through the bag they’d brought home from the hospital along with the things he’d kept while he was gone. Nil himself was shepherded into their bathroom, Avad following. He helped them both strip the rest of their clothes off before joining him in the shower. 

Only just a little bit on the warm side, the water sluicing down his skin felt amazing and Nil was distracted from making any innuendos by the sheer pleasure of being able to shower. Avad smiled at him fondly before reaching for the soap. They took longer in the shower than normal, both out of care for his injury and because Nil felt like he needed that long to wash away months of living on the streets. 

When they emerged, Avad took his time patting him dry. Every once in a while, he would brush a kiss over his skin, until Nil had to push him away. “You heard the huntress, Avad. I’m not allowed to get into trouble.” 

With a little laugh, Avad kissed him on the lips instead. “I’m allowed to kiss you - you’re just not allowed to do anything about it.” 

“Tease,” Nil pouted. 

Making sure he was dry and a new bandage replaced the old one, Avad left him to dress in the bedroom. His first moment alone since they got home, Nil took a deep breath. Everything was… better here, but in some ways it was also harder. Here, he was reminded of the things he had left behind in his utterly idiotic choice to run. Reminded of the ways he had hurt them. 

When his wandering gaze landed on the Voice of Our Teeth, another of those ways made itself known. Walking over to it, he found a light layer of dust covering the surface as his thumb brushed a patch of it clean. It made sense; he hadn’t touched it in months. What surprised him was that when he looked over to Aloy’s bow, he saw the same thing. 

“I couldn’t do it. Not when you weren’t with me.” 

Her quiet voice came from behind him and Nil turned to find her with her arms wrapped around herself as she stared at the bow she had always loved so much. Pain tore through him as he realized what she meant. Aloy hadn’t held her bow, hadn’t shot it or gone out with Talanah and Ikrie or attended the Nora gathering’s hunts, since he’d left. As much pain as he was in having been away from his bow, he knew it had been just as hard for her, if not worse. 

In three strides, he was at her side. Nil pulled her into a hard hug, arms tight around her as he cradled her close. Without hesitation, her hands clung to his sides as she buried her face in his chest. He let the hug be his apology, having said so many over the last week that he knew the words were not always enough. But he was here now and he would find a way to help her heal. 

“I might not be able to shoot myself for a bit, but I’d love to come with you to the range,” he said. “If you want me to,” he added a bit nervously. 

Aloy sniffled a little. “I’m going to be rusty.” 

“Ah but you’ll be so far ahead of me by the time I can start again too. Imagine how easily you’ll beat me,” he teased softly. 

Laughing, she pulled back. “You’ll have to be good and not try to shoot before you’re allowed to. Can you do that?” 

“Anything for you.” He meant it, but the smile she gave him was a little sad, the shadows in her eyes still too solid. 

When she went to grab him a shirt, Nil swallowed. He knew it would take time for them to go back to normal, but that wouldn’t stop his very soul from feeling like it was being ripped apart every time he saw how he had hurt them. But as she turned back with his favorite shirt in hand and a smile on her lips, he knew that pain only strengthened his decision to be better in the future. 

Once clothed, he made his way into the living room with Aloy at his side. Seeing Avad curled up on the couch already, he drawled, “I was expecting a welcome home party, just a little bit.” 

Smiling at him as he slowly settled down next to him, Avad said, “That’s tomorrow. We figured you wouldn’t mind some peace and quiet your first night home. It’ll be plenty loud when everyone comes to see you.” 

Most of their friends had dropped by to see him at least once while he was in the hospital. The amount of them that had been in the waiting room when he woke up had been humbling to say the least. Several of them had taken advantage of their captive audience to lecture him - Teb most profoundly - but just as often they had been crying. Nil knew how to take a lecture, especially since he had earned these and he knew it, but the crying was not something he was used to. With Aloy and Avad, he knew how to comfort them, but when Talanah started tearing up, he was at a loss for what to say. When he tried anyway, she just punched him in the shoulder and stormed out, leaving Ikrie to say their farewells with a wry smile. 

Knowing the kind of chaos that would ensue with all their friends there - Kadaman and Vanasha included since apparently his rescuers had decided to stay in town for a bit longer - Nil was glad they’d delayed the party. “Thank you. I’d rather spend tonight with just you two anyway.” 

Slouching down, Nil nestled even further into the blankets. Without any hesitation, his partners cuddled next to him, their warmth on either side. For the rest of the evening, they just watched tv, their words few and far between as each of them got used to having him there again. Avad got up to cook dinner while Aloy dozed on his shoulder and the familiarity of it all was enough to make him want to shout with joy. 

When they eventually decided to call it a night, Nil shook Aloy awake gently. “C’mon, little huntress. I’d carry you if I could but I’m not allowed to right now.” 

Rubbing her face against his shoulder, her voice slurred with sleep as she said, “You can do it all you want when you’re better.” Nil grinned at the promise even as her face went red when she realized what she had said. “Not  _ all  _ the time, Nil-”

“Too late,” he sang as he stood up. He would be taking advantage of that when he could. “You already said it.” 

As he held his hand out to “help” her stand, he caught sight of Avad’s face. A bittersweet aching caught in the little smile he gave him and Nil let Aloy go on to the bedroom alone as he shifted to stand before him. “What’s wrong, pretty boy?” he asked quietly enough that she wouldn’t hear, his hand coming up to brush his fingertips over his cheek. 

Catching his hand, Avad pressed a kiss to his palm. “I missed this. Nothing felt the same without you here.” With a little laugh, he stood, brushing off his own words. “Don’t mind me, I’m just being a bit sentimental.”

As he moved past him, Nil caught him by the waist. Drawing him close, Nil looped his arms around his waist as he kissed the back of his neck softly. “I like it when you’re sentimental, Avad.” 

Tilting his head back to rest on Nil’s shoulder, Avad sighed. His hands came to rest on Nil’s arms as he melted into the embrace. “There was a hole in our lives without you here. I’m glad you’re here to fill it up again.”

Nil sucked in a deep breath. “I can’t imagine how hard it was. I’m sorry.”

Avad let out a little laugh, light amusement threaded through his voice when he said, “You can stop apologizing any day now, love. We know you are and we see you working to make it better.” 

Nuzzling a bit harder into his neck when Avad tried to pull away, Nil murmured, “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Nil.” 

Eventually, Avad managed to escape and they made their way to bed, where Aloy was already cuddled up under the covers. They were quick enough to undress and slip in, all of them tired and needing the kind of deep sleep they hadn’t gotten for a long time. Though normally on the outside, Nil wasn’t surprised to find himself bullied into the middle of the bed. Aloy made him lie flat so he wouldn’t disturb his wound and that’s how he fell asleep, with them curled up against either side and warm, soft sleep claiming him with no fears for what might come.

***

Though his dreams were blessedly free of nightmares, Nil woke in the middle of the night. Blinking in the darkness, it took him a moment to realize what had jolted him out of sleep. Limbs pulled tight in a little ball next to him, Aloy was shivering so hard he could feel it through the mattress. Under her panting breaths, he could barely hear the words she muttered in her sleep. 

“Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t-”

“Oh sweetheart,” he whispered as he reached out. 

Cautiously, ever so softly, he ran his fingers over her face and hair, down her arm and back up to her shoulder. Gently, he shook her, whispering her name until her eyes flew open. Jolted from her nightmare, confusion filled her face as she tried to focus on him. 

“Nil…” she whispered shakily. “But you were- you were gone.”

Shaking his head firmly, he tugged her in until her body was pressed against his, letting his warmth soak into her as she clung to him. “Not anymore. I’m right here, Aloy.” He kept telling her that, over and over, as her shivers weakened, until her breathing slowed down and the heartbeat he could feel thundering against his skin was calmer. “There you go, dear heart,” he murmured. 

Aloy’s hands traced over his skin, following the path of his arms and shoulders, his chest and ribs. With her eyes still tightly shut, she reassured herself that he was there before she met his gaze. Tears glistened in her eyes even in the dark and Nil leaned close to kiss them away as they fell. 

“I’m right here now. On my honor, Aloy, I will never leave you again.” His words were fervent and gruff, so utterly serious in the face of her fear. He meant that promise down to his very bones. He made that mistake once and he was never going to repeat it. 

Pressing closer, Aloy kissed him desperately. He held her tightly, letting her have everything she needed as she came back to herself. “I love you,” she whispered against his lips, the words a prayer. 

“And I love you, little huntress.”

When she pulled back several quiet moments later, the only thing she said was, “You’re laying on your side.” 

“So I am,” he mused with a little smile. Shifting, he lay back how he was supposed to, this time with her half sprawled across his chest. As soon as they were settled, the one he thought had slept through it all moved closer as well. Avad reached across to take Aloy’s hand in his, letting them rest above Nil’s heart. 

That was how he drifted back to sleep. Safe at last, kept warm by the ones he loved and who loved him in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Cause you're going home, you're running free  
> As only you would be if you never owed them anything  
> And now you've found your way out  
> In the trust you've seen your path on home
> 
> (The Running Free, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> We made it……...I’ve still got the epilogue but I’m so glad y’all have stayed with me through the pain and angst of this fic, I know we put them through the ringer with this one. Just know that from here, they heal and get stronger and their relationship becomes even better than it was before!
> 
> Yes, Vanasha and Huadiv did “take care” of the injured Kestrels and they did indeed hide the bodies. They’re spooky and good at their jobs (well, we all know Huadiv can make mistakes but not when Vanasha is standing over his shoulder). Anyway, they patched him up and got him to the hospital without any of the gang drama so he wouldn’t go to jail (because as an ex-con, even if it was self defense, he would’ve been thrown straight in prison). 
> 
> Disclaimer: I did some research on abdominal wounds but I am not a medical professional nor have I ever been stabbed in the stomach so some of those details may be incorrect. 
> 
> Anyway, yell at me in the comments and I’ll post the epilogue in a couple days!! Y’all will like it I promise <3


	11. Together Burning Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After they get home from Talanah and Ikrie’s wedding, Aloy, Avad, and Nil finally get to have their own special night - their first now that Nil has healed and they’re all stronger together. 
> 
> Chapter title is from The Audience by Coheed and Cambria!
> 
> This is honestly entirely fluff and so much smut - it’s my apology and reward for all the angst I put y’all through! Posting a day early cuz I couldn't wait and it's the epilogue so I might as well lmao

**Two Months Later**

“But did you see the look on the priest’s face when they shot off the arrows? They did  _ not  _ tell him about that part of the ceremony,” Aloy said, laughter spilling out of her. 

Nil grinned as he closed the door behind them, watching as she and Avad giggled like little kids. They’d only had one glass of champagne at the wedding, but bright joy infused them all and it gave them a giddy, drunk feeling. “Ourea didn’t seem to mind,” Nil said, recalling the romantically serene way she’d watched the fiery arrows soar through the air. 

Grinning at him, Aloy said, “Ourea is a shaman though, and always so much more lax than those stuffy priests. I thought he was going to have a heart attack!”

The priest who officiated half of Talanah and Ikrie’s wedding had indeed looked like he might pass out when he saw them handing bows to the lovely couple. Apparently he wasn’t very familiar with either of them since it surprised exactly no one else that shooting arrows lit with flame into a symbolic target was a part of their ceremony. 

“Oh but the vows,” Avad said dreamily as he walked back to their room to undress, “they were so beautiful.” 

Smiling at his fiancé, Nil teased, “Already writing your own?”

“I’ll have you know, I’ve been working on mine since before I proposed,” he said with an affronted look. “And don’t act like I haven’t seen you muttering to yourself with your journal before you put it away as soon as I catch you.” 

Laughing, Nil stripped off his tie, throwing it on the bed as he started pulling off the rest of his fancy ensemble. Moving in tandem, each of them took up a spot in the bedroom to do the same. Aloy stalled at their words though, a look of growing horror on her face that Nil caught as he took off his vest.

“The vows,” she whispered. “I’m going to have to say my vows in front of everyone.” 

Nil was already clutching his stomach and doubled over laughing before Avad reached her. Cupping her face in his hands, he asked soothingly, “That didn’t just occur to you, did it?” 

Red suffused her face. “Maybe.” 

“Oh, sweetheart,” he managed before falling to laughter himself. 

Aloy stomped her foot in a little display of wonderfully mature temper. “It’s not funny! That’s very personal stuff!”

Catching his breath enough to talk, Nil said, “We’re inviting people to watch us be bound together for the rest of our lives, little huntress. It’s already a bit personal.” 

With a disgusted noise, Aloy plopped down on the bed to start tugging at her heels. They were small ones - the biggest concession she had made since heels were decidedly not her style - but the pretty straps that wound around her ankle gave her trouble right away. Kneeling down, Nil took over, one big hand holding her heel steady as he freed the clasp and unwound the straps. 

With a sigh, Aloy let him take over, falling back on the bed to stare at the ceiling as she said, “Yes, but-”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to, love, but we’ll be saying ours in front of everyone,” Avad interrupted. Pausing as he undid the buttons of his shirt, he planted his hands on the bed to lean down and kiss her. “You’re already going to be blushing and crying in front of everyone.” 

_ “You _ might cry, but I won’t,” she said stubbornly. 

“Is that a challenge?” Nil asked slyly.

That earned him a little shove as she used her bare foot to knock his shoulder back. Unbalanced, he fell back on his ass, her heeled foot still grasped in his hand. Before he even had time to tease her, she sat up quick, eyes wide. “Oh goddess, Nil, I’m so sorry. Are you okay? That didn’t hurt, did it?”

Smile softening as he looked up at her, Nil started undoing her last shoe. “No, sweet one, I’m fine.” 

Worry still clouded her gaze as it swept down to his stomach, as if half expecting him to bleed through his shirt. In all reality, he was well on his way to being fully healed from the wound he’d suffered from Helis months ago. All that was left was a pink scar, the color slowly fading even as he won back more strength every day. It twinged every once in a while, but his doctor assured him he would be just fine. 

In fact… he’d gotten news at his appointment yesterday that he hadn’t yet told them about. Both had been unable to take work off to go to his visit with him which was fine anyway, but it now gave him the opportunity to surprise them. 

Tugging her heel off, Nil placed it alongside the other before leaning down to brush a kiss on the top of her foot. Dragging his lips up her leg, he pulled on her ankle until she was balanced at the edge of the bed. Kissing the inside of her knee, he looked up at her hungrily. “Trust me, I’m more than okay.”

He heard Aloy’s breath catch, heat flooding her gaze and lightening the gold in her eyes as he pushed the silk swaths of her dress aside. One of her hands fell to his shoulder as his lips made their way up her thigh, her fingernails digging in as she gasped. 

“Nil, wait,” she managed to get out. “You’re not allowed to-”

“I got cleared,” he growled, shoving her dress up higher as he rose on his knees. He’d been fully prepared to tease her and take this slow, but impatience nipped at him now that he was actually allowed to  _ do  _ something about the lust roaring through his veins. 

Apparently, with stab wounds to the stomach, one had to be extremely careful with any kind of physical activity - including sex. Which is why he’d been forbidden from so much as touching himself for two very long months. Used to being the one that was watched, Nil had spent quite a lot of time learning the exquisite mix of pain and pleasure that came from being the one who wasn’t allowed to touch. 

At the beginning, Avad had been hesitant, unable to keep from feeling bad that he and Aloy could fuck each other when Nil wasn’t allowed to. Aloy had been less concerned; she’d called it part of his punishment, knowing the little thrill that would run through him at the idea. So he had watched them kiss and touch and make love, all the while attuned to him and somehow the intimate nature of that shift in their relationship also helped to heal some of the pain from his leaving them. Open communication, while always important to them since the mess at the start of their relationship, became even more of a priority. 

With every week he’d felt stronger and more able to do the things he used to, but he knew he still had a long road to go in order to recover the muscle mass and flexibility he had before. Under strict watch from his partners, he hadn’t done anything he wasn’t supposed to - which just made the fact that he was in the clear now feel all the sweeter. 

“Really?” she asked, anticipation tightening her voice even as Avad echoed her question. 

Running his hands up the smooth skin of her thighs, Nil’s gaze rose to meet first hers then Avad’s. With a cheeky grin, he said, “Doctor cleared me yesterday. After waiting for so long, I figured one more night wouldn’t kill me. Anticipation-” 

Leaning over, Avad hooked his fingers under his chin to drag it up so he could kiss him senseless. “Finally,” he murmured against his lips. 

With a dark little laugh, Nil pushed him back gently. “You’ll get your chance, pretty boy. For now,” he said, shifting back to take in Aloy with her legs still spread before him, “I have something I need to finish.” 

Her back arched at the low tone, legs spreading wider at the promise of what was to come. Nil took advantage, pushing her dress up to her waist and baring the scrap of blue lace that did almost nothing to cover her. Smirking, he raised an eyebrow at her. “Were you already planning a surprise for me?”

“Not like this,” she said pertly. A pink blush covered her face and chest, the tops of her breasts on display from the low cut of her dress as her breaths came fast. “Could you stop teasing me already?”

“I’ve barely touched you, kitten,” he drawled. All that impatience paled in the face of being able to torment his little huntress. “Don’t hate me for wanting to draw this out. I’ve waited a lot longer than you have for this.”

Aloy groaned in frustration, but he was too busy kissing and nipping up the soft insides of her thighs to say anything else. By the time he made it to that little bit of covering, he could already see that she was wet enough to soak it through. With a guttural moan, he licked up the length of her covered slit, hard enough that she cried out and fell back onto the bed. 

Immediately, he pulled away. “No, no. I want you to watch while I devour you, Aloy.” Grabbing her hand, he tugged until she was upright again, eyes dark and focused entirely on him. Making sure she stayed like that, Nil dropped his attention once more. Sliding his thumb down her slit, he murmured, “It’s been months since I’ve tasted you, sweetheart. You don’t think I’m going to be quick about this, do you? I have thought of a thousand more ways to make you scream and I can’t wait to try them all.” 

Hooking his fingers in her panties, he roughly pulled them all the way down her legs. When they were gone, he wasted no time hooking his hands under her knees to spread her open for him. Nil nearly came at his first taste of her, losing himself as he licked and sucked and nipped at all the sensitive spots that made her cry out above him. Aloy’s hand flew to his head, fingers tangling in his hair as she pressed him even closer. 

Every once in a while, he looked up to her, only to find her hot gaze already on his. “Good girl,” he murmured once, delighting in the tremor it sent through her. She did so love to be praised, so he continued. “So good for me after teasing me for weeks. Did you like that? Knowing I was watching but unable to be the reason you cried out in ecstasy?” 

“Yes,” she gasped, hips rocking into his face. Knowing she was getting closer, he pushed two fingers into her, pumping them nice and slow as she moved with him. 

“There we go, take what you want, kitten.” Despite his words, he kept the pace he had started, too slow for her to feel satisfied - until he brushed his lips over her clit. Teasing the swollen nub with his tongue, he pushed her higher, until her free hand was clawing at the sheets and the hand in his hair grew painfully tight. When her body began to shake and her pussy spasmed around his fingers, he knew she was close. “Come for me, sweetheart.”

Aloy cried out his name as she came, hips stuttering against him as his licks soothed her through her climax. It was only when he pulled back to wipe his mouth off that he saw that Avad had slipped up behind her. He was probably the only reason she had obeyed his command to watch towards the end, if her slumped posture was any indication. 

Bracing himself as he stood, Nil leaned in to kiss her, meeting her lazy tongue with his own as he let her taste herself on him. Aloy moaned in protest when he pulled back, but her grip on his shirt was weak enough that he pulled away easily. 

The smile dropped from his face as he stripped, the sight of them on the bed more than he could handle right then. Avad was naked but for his briefs, having taken advantage of their distraction to undress. Pressed against Aloy’s back, his hands ran soothingly over her skin as he helped her pull her dress up and over her head. Despite that, his gaze was drawn back to Nil every few seconds, their eyes meeting with fondness and heat in breathless anticipation. 

By the time he slipped his underwear off and groaned as his achingly hard cock was freed from its confines, Aloy had regained her balance. Slipping out of Avad’s arms and off the bed, she closed the last couple feet to where he stood. Her hands brushed over his chest as she pulled him down for a kiss. Nil tried to push her back towards the bed but she spun him around so that he was the one to fall back onto the soft mattress. 

“I’m guessing,” she mused as she poked and prodded him until he was splayed across the width of the bed, “that you still have some limitations on what you can do.”

“Not  _ that  _ many-” 

“So it would be better for you to lay still and let us take care of you,” she finished as if he hadn’t said anything. As she spoke, she crawled onto the bed next to him, leaning down to kiss across his stomach and chest. Aloy lingered only a moment on his scar, brushing her lips over it so gently as she made her way up. She stoically ignored his cock, already tipped in pre-come and he couldn’t help thinking it was the right call. The way he was now, one touch could undo him. 

On his other side, Avad had already picked up his hand to twine their fingers together. Kissing the back of it, he said, “Don’t worry. We’ll take  _ very  _ good care of you.” 

Heat pulsed through him at the words, prompting him to tug on Avad’s hand until he leaned down, meeting his kiss with teeth and tongue. The kiss went on forever, their hands and Aloy’s lips joining the sensation to set every inch of him on fire. For once, he was the one who broke the kiss, panting and writhing underneath them. 

The hazy pleasure running through him blurred his senses and he found himself rearranged on the bed, his partners having maneuvered him so that just his head tilted off the edge. When he realized the position they had him in, Nil groaned loudly. “No mercy for me, is there?” 

Aloy just gave him a wicked grin as she straddled his hips. Instinctively, his hands rose to grip her hips as she settled onto him, his cock trapped between them as her slick core slid over his hard length. Choking on a groan, he didn’t even try to fight when she took his hands off of her. Lacing her fingers with his, she pushed them back onto the mattress and kept them there. Lowering down, she kissed him lightly. 

“No movements allowed, my dear,” she commanded softly. Even in that teasingly hard tone, he reveled in the endearments she so rarely handed out. It took everything in him not to thrust up against her as she began to rock on top of him. “We don’t want to irritate your wound so the second you push up into me, I’m stopping.” 

Nil held back his whine just barely, teeth digging into his lower lip as she continued to move over him. His heartbeat thundered inside him, drowning out every other sound. 

Soft hands cradled his face, their warmth steadying him as Avad’s thumb brushed his lips until he stopped biting them so hard. He covered them with his own, the kiss slow and sweet and in direct contradiction to the way Aloy rutted on top of him. Even with his eyes closed, he knew the angle of the kiss meant Avad was standing behind him.

When Avad drew back, Nil opened his eyes to watch as he slipped his briefs off and took himself in hand. If Aloy hadn’t had his own hands pinned down, he would have reached for him, but for now all he could do was watch as his lover pumped his hard cock a few times. Those beautiful brown eyes had darkened as they traced over his body. If Nil had any lingering fears over the weight he’d lost while he’d been gone and the new scars he sported, they had all but disappeared under their attentions. 

With his free hand, Avad traced his thumb across Nil’s cheek. “Are you doing okay, my love?”

“More than okay,” he rasped out, voice hoarse with need. 

“If you want me to stop, just tap twice, remember?” At his nod, Avad pressed the head of his cock against his lips and Nil moaned at the taste of him. Opening up, he let Avad slide the tip in, his head dropping back to take him easier. 

Aloy chose that moment to grab his own cock, shifting her hips so that he filled her as Avad slowly thrust into him. Utterly overwhelmed in the best way, Nil moaned brokenly around his fiancé’s dick. Ever so sweet, Avad kept that one steadying hand on his cheek, fingers brushing gently over his hot skin. He braced himself on his other hand, letting it rest over Nil’s heart as he began to pump in and out of his mouth. 

After going practically untouched for so long, Nil felt entirely overstimulated by everything they did to him. Aloy set a steady pace, riding him hard enough that he couldn’t even complain about not being able to fuck up into her. Each time she sank down onto him and he was nestled deep in her tight cunt, he held back his finish with less and less restraint. Avad was both distraction and delight, his long cock hot on his tongue and in his throat as Nil did his best to suck him even harder. 

Unsurprisingly, he was the first to break. On her last thrust, Aloy had stayed down, circling her hips as he was buried inside her. She tightened her pussy around him and he was gone. His cry was muffled but Avad quickly pulled out of him, dropping to his knees to press kisses all over his face as he came. 

Letting go of one of his hands, Aloy traced her fingers down his stomach until she stroked where they were joined. Nil watched with blissed out pleasure as she rubbed her clit, her pussy clenching around his oversensitive cock as she came for the second time that evening. 

She caught herself before she collapsed on top of him; still wary of his injury, she slipped off of him and lay by his side instead. Struggling to catch his breath, Nil felt Avad’s fingers running through his hair as he kissed his forehead. 

With one hand now free, Nil reached back to cup the back of Avad’s neck as he turned his face to nuzzle against him. “You didn’t finish, pretty boy,” he said sleepily. 

Avad laughed quietly. “I don’t think you’re in any condition to help with that, my love.” 

He would have insisted but sweet oblivion pulled at the edges of his vision and he barely managed to mutter, “Later, I promise,” before it took him under. 

***

When Nil fell asleep almost instantly, Aloy couldn’t help the laughter that escaped her. Smoothing her hand down his chest, she rolled over so she could see his face. “Poor lover boy, we tired him out.”

Avad smiled at her. “He isn’t used to this anymore.” 

“We’ll have to retrain him then,” she said sweetly before shifting forward to kiss Avad. “He’s right though. You didn’t come, you selfless man.” 

He shrugged, a sweetness tugging at the corner of his lips that she adored. “I’ll hold him to that promise.” 

Aloy hummed knowingly. “Help me move this giant heap of muscles and I can help take care of that.” 

It took some doing, but they shifted Nil so that he was laying the right way. With that done, Aloy crawled onto Avad’s lap, cupping his face as she kissed him softly. 

“You know,” he mused, a hitch in his voice as she wrapped her hand around his still hard cock. “He’s going to hate that you called him ‘lover boy’ while he wasn’t awake to hear it.” Ducking her head, she kissed along the column of his throat as he threw his head back. She stroked him faster, each pull making his hands tighten on her waist as his ragged breaths filled the room. 

“I’ll just have to make sure I call him that again, won’t I, pretty boy?” Her husky voice in his ear was what sent him over, spilling himself in her hand with a choked groan. He kept her close as he calmed down, both content to stay in each other’s arms for a little bit. 

As much as she wanted to stay, all of them needed to clean up and she shifted off of Avad’s lap so they could make their way to the bathroom. Once she had finished, she grabbed a clean towel and dampened it before going back to their bed. Crawling up next to her still fast asleep fiancé, Aloy ran the damp cloth over his body. As she cleaned him off, he turned toward her in his sleep, the look on his face so peaceful that she couldn’t help but kiss him, soft and quick. 

When she passed over his scar, she abandoned the cloth to trace it with her fingertips. Still raised and rough, it would heal, but it would never be the smooth skin it once was. 

She had almost lost him that day. Sometimes her nightmares still featured that alley, his blood on her hands as she tried to stop him from dying in front of her. Her therapist had told her those might never fully go away, but they’d been fading lately. Every night she spent with his arms wrapped around her was another piece of her heart that healed. 

Leaving had hurt them a whole hell of a lot, but he was doing everything he could to make it better. Nil had upped his visits to Teb and they’d helped immensely, Teb working his magic to get him to open up and talk about all of the things he’d gone through while he was on his own. He’d had the time to do that and they’d given him the space to be vulnerable and loved at home. 

One of the side effects of not being able to jerk off was that he couldn’t cam either. He spent some time restocking some of his supplies - getting a new laptop, new desk, all of that - but he hadn’t been as enthusiastic about it as before. Something about seeing it all destroyed had wrecked him in a way that might take a little more time to heal. Whatever he ended up doing, he knew they would be there to support him. 

The three of them had been spending more time together; talking and cuddling and mostly just healing what had been broken between them. In a way, not being able to have sex had been good for them; at the start of everything, they had fallen into bed fast and Nil had gotten the wrong impression. This time, they spent more time on  _ them  _ and this tryst only sealed tight the bond they had been reforging. 

As Aloy tossed the towel into the laundry and wandered back to fall into bed with her fiancés, she reminisced on all of the growth they’d made over the past couple months. And as she fell asleep, she was thinking about what dates would be good for their own wedding. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe it's not now or later  
> 'Til you save the best for last  
> I want to be everything you need
> 
> Oh, this is her  
> No regrets  
> I embrace your defects to confess  
> You were my every wish  
> I admit that I will never feel  
> No, I will never feel alone
> 
> Our sum in monotone  
> While the record spins around  
> Please turn me over, slide me into sleeve  
> Oh girl, please bring me home
> 
> (2’s My Favorite 1, Coheed and Cambria)
> 
> Thank you all so, so much for coming with us this far, I’m so unimaginably grateful to you and I love that you love this story. We’ve still got a bunch more outtakes planned along with another sequel but the biggest upcoming bit is a mini-fic centered around their wedding!!! 
> 
> I finished writing this back at the end of October and in the meantime, I’ve been working on my original novel during NaNoWriMo - which means that I probably won’t be posting any more for this series until at least December. The little break will give me a chance to take a breather and come back fresh and I hope you’ll all subscribe to this series so you can read more about the ot3 and their adventures!
> 
> For those of you who aren’t as big a fan of the angst - the rest of the fics are much fluffier than this one! This was the hardest thing to write and the hardest thing to put them through and the rest of their story is much kinder to them. Much of the next sequel fic will center around Aloy’s relationship with Rost and how they can heal and move forward - along with some familiar characters and a few surprises! 
> 
> As always, thank you for the reads and the kudos, and especially for the comments that boost my serotonin levels. Have a wonderful November and I’ll see you again soon! <3 <3 <3


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